[after lying to Marge about reading her book]
Homer Simpson: [thinking] Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.
[researching who shot JFK]
Homer Simpson: Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby.
Marge Simpson: Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer Simpson: Oh, I was so close.
Marge Simpson: When you write, you can let your imagination run wild.
[writing and reading aloud what she writes]
Marge Simpson: Temperance was doing the laundry.
Bart Simpson: Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.
Lisa Simpson: Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?
Homer Simpson: Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?
Homer Simpson: Apu, do you sell crazy straws? I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm trying to cheer him up.
Homer Simpson: I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after 'To Kill a Mockingbird' gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?
Homer Simpson: No, gotta read Marges' book. Can't get distracted. Distracted, that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get 'tracted'? I'm gonna call the suicide hotline and ask them.
Homer Simpson: You were gonna start a novel without informing me?
Marge Simpson: Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!
Homer Simpson: I also fed some ducklings.
Marge Simpson: I know, I got your message.
Marge Simpson: Dr. Marvin Monroe! I haven't seen you in years!
Dr. Marvin Monroe: Oh! I've been very sick
Homer Simpson: [singing to the tune of Gary Numan's 'Cars'] Here in my car/ I am cleaning out blood/ Some of it's mine/ But most of it's not/ Here's Marge.
Homer: [singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance] Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge.
[Marge has written a book based on her and Homer]
Lisa: Dad will be upset when he reads that book.
Bart: He'll never read it.
Lisa: What if they make a movie out of it?
Bart: He'll never see it.
Lisa: What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV?
Bart: We're doomed!
Homer: I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby.
Marge: Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.
Homer: Oh, back to square one.