[the Simpsons are being placed in the Federal Witness Protection Program]
FBI Man #1: Tell you what, sir, from now on, you'll be Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say "hello, Mr. Thompson", you'll say "hi".
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
[again Homer stares blankly]
FBI Man #1: [FBI men stare at each other]
[hours pass by]
FBI Man #1: [frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "hello, Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
FBI Man #1: [stepping hard on Homer's foot] Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: [stares blankly again for a few seconds, then whispers to the other FBI man] I think he's talking to you.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say die Bart die?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German
Sideshow Bob: for 'The Bart The'.
Woman on Parole Board: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.
Lou: What'd you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
Lisa: Hey, a letter from my pen-pal, Anya.
Anya: [reading, Anya narrates] Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our President has been overthrown and...
General Krull: ...replaced, by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull, and his glorious regime. Sincerly... little girl.
Homer: Hey, kids! Want to drive through that cactus patch?
Sideshow Bob: [underneath car] No!
Homer: Well, two against one!
[drives through cactus field]
Sideshow Bob: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Sideshow Bob: Now, Bart, any last requests?
Bart Simpson: [sees a sign that says "Springfield 15 Mi" pass behind Bob, decides to buy himself some time] Well, there was one, but... Naah, forget it.
Sideshow Bob: No, go on.
Bart Simpson: It's just that you have such a beautiful voice...
Sideshow Bob: Guilty as charged.
Bart Simpson: Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore".
Sideshow Bob: Very well, Bart. I shall send you to Heaven before I send you to hell. and a 1 and a 2 and
Sideshow Bob: "We sail the ocean blue, and our saucy ship's a beauty. We are sober men and true, and attentive to our duty..."
Sideshow Bob: "I'm called Little Buttercup, poor Little Buttercup, thugh I could never tell why..."
Sideshow Bob: ..."What never?" "No never." "What never?" "Hardly ever!"
Sideshow Bob: "... For he himself has said it, and it's clearly to his credit, that he is an Englishman. He remai-hains ah-han Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hengLISHman!"
Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son!
Sideshow Bob: [menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!
Homer: Oh, no!
Sideshow Bob: Wait a minute. That's no good.
[walks away, then runs back]
Sideshow Bob: Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your host, Corporal Obengruppenfuhrer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain!
[McBain walks out on stage]
Rainer Wolfcastle: Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey. That's some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.
Rainer Wolfcastle: Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.
[Homer receives a death threat letter written in blood]
Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.
Radio DJ: All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully."
[Wipe Out begins playing]
Police Chief Wiggum: You're under arrest, Sideshow Bob!
Sideshow Bob: BY LUCIFER'S BEARD!
Police Chief Wiggum: Uh... Yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel!
[after writing a death threat to Bart in blood, Bob starts writing another letter with his bleeding finger]
Sideshow Bob: "Dear 'Life in These United States,' a funny thing happened to me...?
[as his finger bleeds freely, he sways, woozy, and collapses onto the desk]
Snake: Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.
Marge: [looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.
Homer Simpson: Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.
[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]
Nelson: [outside the window] Ha ha!
Bart: But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.
Homer Simpson: It's probably the person you least suspect.
Lisa: That's good, Dad.
Grampa: I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grampa: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!
Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?
[a few people raise their hands]
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Be honest...
[everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty]
Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.
[Sideshow Bob ties up the rest of the Simpsons, then goes to Bart's room to kill him. All of the Simpsons struggle against their bonds except Homer, who is snoring and drooling on the deck]
Lisa: Oh, no! Dad's been drugged!
Marge: [annoyed] No, he hasn't.
Blue-Haired Lawyer: Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: Bart Simpson?
Sideshow Bob: The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?
Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole."
Sideshow Bob: Cheerfully withdrawn.
[Bart has difficulty sleeping, his bedroom door opens, a sharp knife appears and man charges into the room casting a scary shadow on the ceiling]
Homer: [holding a large knife upside-down] BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?
Bart Simpson: [screames] AAAAAHHHHH!
Homer: [kneels down and scary shadow disappears] Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.
Bart Simpson: [as Homer cuts the brownies] Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming into my room screaming and brandishing the butcher knife.
Homer: [stops cutting the brownies] Why?
[Homer looks at the large knife he is holding]
Homer: Oh, right. The *Sideshow Bob* thing, oh I'm sorry boy.
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room. Seconds later, Homer bursts into the room again wearing a white hockey mask and holding a switched on electric chainsaw, which he holds up]
Bart Simpson: [screams louder] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Homer: [turning off the chainsaw and lifting the hockey mask] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?
[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room]
Marge: [as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.
Grampa Simpson: [who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!
Marge: [gasps] Bart! Run upstairs, get Grampa's medicine!
Jasper Beardly: [appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: I wanna court this fair young maiden.
[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]
Grampa Simpson: [to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.
Jasper Beardly: I've got Steve and Edie tickets.
Grampa Simpson: I'm all yours.
[Abe kisses Jasper]
Jasper Beardly: [appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.
[Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]
Jasper Beardly: Hey, wait till the canoe.
[Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]
Jasper Beardly: [singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.
Grampa Simpson: [singing] We can't afford a carriage.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] But you'll look sweet.
Jasper Beardly: [singing] Upon the seat
Chief Wiggum: Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!
[everybody in court house laughs]
Chief Wiggum: Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.
[getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.
[Bart walks down the street]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should.
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.
[Bart enters class]
Mrs. Krabappel: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
Mrs. Krabappel: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.
Lisa: [Lisa thinks she might know who's been threatening Bart] Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?
Bart Simpson: Linda Lavin?
Lisa: No, someone who *didn't* deserve it.