The Simpsons (TV Series)
Black Widower (1992)
Kelsey Grammer: Sideshow Bob
Quotes
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[Hearing about Bob's fantasies of murdering him]
Bart : Aye caramba!
Sideshow Bob : Bart, if I'd wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken as soon as I walked in that door...
[Everyone gasps]
Sideshow Bob : ...but then, what kind of guest would I have been?
[laughs]
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Sideshow Bob : Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening.
Sideshow Bob : [singing] And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...
Bart : [turns around in the chair] Sideshow Bob, I'm afraid the only victims here are the good people of Best Western Hotels.
Sideshow Bob : Bart!
Patty : [slaps Sideshow Bob] You tried to kill me! I want a separation!
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Sideshow Bob : Soon I will kill you...
[under his breath while rubbing one of her feet]
Selma : Huh?
[sitting up]
Sideshow Bob : Son pied sent beau; French for: her foot smells lovely.
Selma : Oh.
[laying back down]
Sideshow Bob : Prepare to be murdered...
[under his breath again]
Selma : Huh?
[sitting up again]
Sideshow Bob : Pa parda mai moul-doo. That's... Sanskrit for your toes are like perfume.
[Phonetic spelling]
Selma : Hahaha.
[lays back down]
Sideshow Bob : Voy a matarle...
[under his breath]
Selma : What?
Sideshow Bob : That's spanish for... I'm going to kill you...
[saying the last part under his breath]
Selma : Say what?
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Sideshow Bob : But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.
[flashback: Wiggum, Lou, Eddie, and Homer are all lighting up cigars outside the hotel room]
Chief Wiggum : [voice-over] Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene...
[explosion]
Chief Wiggum : Oh, right! The gas.
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Sideshow Bob : Ah, fire. Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows, eradicator of deadwood.
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Krusty the Clown : Come here, you!
Sideshow Bob : [laughs]
Krusty the Clown : Missed you!
Sideshow Bob : This guy is a natural treasure!
Krusty the Clown : That jerk I got to replace you... He isn't fit to hold your slide whistle.
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[Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy in prison]
Sideshow Bob : This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!
Krusty the Clown : Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!
Sideshow Bob : No-talent shill!
Krusty the Clown : Second banana!
Sideshow Bob : Panderer!
Krusty the Clown : Bore!
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Homer Simpson : Gee, if some snot-nosed kid sent me to prison, the first thing out I'd find out where he lives, and tear him a new belly button!
[he mimes stabbing an imaginary kid with his steak knife]
Homer Simpson : Lousy snitch...
[jerks the knife upward]
Homer Simpson : YAAH!
[Bart chuckles nervously]
Sideshow Bob : [chuckling] Ah, Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.
Homer Simpson : I am not!
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Sideshow Bob : I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies!
[laughs maniacally]
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Sideshow Bob : My best-laid plans have gang agley.
-
Sideshow Bob : That's right, dear, enjoy your rest. The wedding was very tough on you. And the honeymoon is going to be... murder...
[laughing evily]
-
Selma : Bob, one of my fillings fell out.
Sideshow Bob : Even murder has its ugly side...
[after trying to scrub himself clean in the bathroom]
-
Sideshow Bob : Bart, I must know how did you untangle my web?
Homer Simpson : Yeah, Bart, clue us in.
Bart : [looking at Chief Wiggum] I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town how to do his job.
Chief Wiggum : No, please, it's the only way I'll learn.
Bart : All right. Sideshow Bob seemed desperate to get that fireplace, but why? Then it hit me - The gas! Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak except Aunt Selma.
Selma : [flashback] I permanently lost my sense of smell.
Bart : She happily watched MacGyver unaware that her room was silently filling with natural gas. All it needed to explode was a single spark, say, from a cigarette.
Selma : [flashback] I've decided to give up smoking except after meals and MacGyver.
Bart : Her only hope was a plucky young boy and his slow-witted father. When Aunt Selma lights up after MacGyver she'll be blown to kingdom come.
Homer Simpson : [flashback] Come again?
Bart : After trying four times to explain it to Homer I explained it to Mom and we were on our way!
Homer Simpson : [flashback] To the Simpson Mobile!
Sideshow Bob : If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?
Chief Wiggum : Oh, I'll field that one.
Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The police and Homer smoking cigars] Me and my boys were celebrating on a job well done when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene.
Chief Wiggum : [flashback: The room explodes] Oh, right, the gas.
Sideshow Bob : [being led away in handcuffs, laughing at the end] I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies.
Selma : I feel like such a fool.
Marge : Well, he fooled almost everyone. But there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust.
Bart : Thanks, Mom. Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway before we all suffocate.
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Sideshow Bob : Although kissing you would be like kissing some divine ash tray, that's not what I had in mind.
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Sideshow Bob : Dear Selma: Your latest letter set off a riot in the maximum security wing of my heart.