- Narrator: Then, another bombshell. An anonymous tipster alerted Uncle Sam... that the Simpsons were evading their income taxes.
- [cut to a darkened Kwik-E mart, with Apu in the Shadows]
- Apu: Yeah, I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.
- Lisa Simpson: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.
- [camera cuts to Homer]
- Homer Simpson: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?
- [pause]
- Homer Simpson: What?
- Ned Flanders: I'd see them sitting on that couch all day long. Just staring at that Hollywood hogwash.
- Homer Simpson: Yeah, our favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash", but we also loved "The Dreck Squad".
- Marge Simpson: ..."The Malarkies", "Dumbing it Down"...
- Lisa Simpson: "Sheriff Low-brow".
- Bart Simpson: "Home Improvement".
- Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.
- Krusty the Clown: Homer gave me a kidney: it wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due- but I appreciated the gesture!
- Marge Simpson: Okay, the material was a little corny. But Homer and I had real chemistry on screen.
- Homer Simpson: Every day I thought about firing Marge. You know, just to shake things up.
- Narrator: The Simpsons' TV show started out on a wing and a prayer. But now the wing was on fire and the prayer had been answered... by Satan.
- Narrator: For the Simpsons, everything was coming up roses. But those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.
- Narrator: Before a riot could break out, Jimmy Carter came to the rescue with his comedy break dancing.
- Jimmy Carter: [to rap music] Got a brother named Billy, and my teeth look silly! Break it down now!
- [Carter begins breakdancing on stage]
- Moe Szyslak: Oh, Homer was spending money like a... teenage Arab. He bought me a Rolex and cashmere jeans. I felt kinda guilty 'cause I was always tryin' to score with his wife. So, when do we start filming?
- [realizes the crew has been filming the whole time]
- Moe Szyslak: Oh.
- Marge Simpson: [singing] I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.
- [spoken]
- Marge Simpson: So the next time you see a sheriff, shoot him!
- [the audience gasps]
- Marge Simpson: A smile!
- Marge Simpson: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.