Bart: Uh, say, are you guys crooks?
Fat Tony: Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?
Fat Tony: Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?
Bart: Uh uh.
Fat Tony: And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?
Bart: I guess that's okay.
Fat Tony: Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?
Bart: Hell, no.
Fat Tony: Hey, pick a horse, kid. 3rd race, give it a good one.
Bart: Eat my shorts.
Fat Tony: Eat My Shorts. Let see... Hey, wait a minute you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the 5th Race, I said the 3rd race!
Bart: Don't have a cow.
Fat Tony: Don't Have A Cow in the 3rd.
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!
Mrs. Krabappel: Bart Simpson, you're late! Go to the office and fill out a tardy slip.
Bart: But I'm only
[looks at the clock]
Bart: five, ten, fifteen, twenty... forty minutes? That's pretty damn late!
Bart: Aah! You ate my homework?... I didn't know dogs really did that.
[watching his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon]
Fat Tony: It's funny because it's true.
Lewis: [covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!
Bart: That is not funny, Lewis.
Milhouse Van Houten: Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.
Richard: Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch.
Nelson: I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.
Bart: That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. I know the law, you can't prove anything.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... uh... what cures cancer?
[Principal Skinner has just burst into the courtroom, "back from the dead", saving Bart from jail for his "murder" with his explanation on what happened to him]
Prosecuting Attorney: Your Honor, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record!
Judge Snyder: [shouts] Denied! Case dismissed!
Bart: [while working for Fat Tony] Gimme three fingers of milk, Ma.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer in this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the, um... what cures cancer.