Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."
[Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]
Charles Bronson: I wish I was dead. Oy!
Jay Sherman: But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.
Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."
[Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: That's the joke.
Man in audience: You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
Man in audience: Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]
Rainer Wolfcastle: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay] The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
Jay Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?
Rainer Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh!
Mr. Burns: OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!
Homer: Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.
Homer: [after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.
Wiseguy: Beer here.
Homer: I'll take ten.
Lisa: I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...
Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.
Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.
Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.
Barney: [during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.
Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.
[the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]
Barney: Just hook it to my veins!
[the truck driver prepares an I.V]
Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Montgomery Burns: Excellent.
[a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]
Hannibal Lecter: Excellent.
[makes the infamous slurping sound]
Montgomery Burns: Next.
William Shatner: Exc-ell-ent.
Montgomery Burns: Next.
Montgomery Burns: [irritated] Next!
Bumblebee Man: ¡Excellente!
Sr. Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.
Montgomery Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".
Mr. Burns: [Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?
[the audience boos and throws rubbish at him]
Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns"!
Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...
Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
Rainer Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
[everyone applauds; Burns steams]
Rainer Wolfcastle: [a screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin]
George C. Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.
Barney: Next they're gonna show my movie.
Bart: You made a movie ?
Barney: I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.
[Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose]
Jay Sherman: And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.
Homer: It was a Gummi Bear.
Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg.
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.
Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.
Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.
Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?
[Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his underwear]
Bart: [laughs] You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you?
Jay Sherman: Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied.
Rainer Wolfcastle: [after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.
[a Lady compliments Barney's movie]
Barney: You're very kind.
Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?
Barney: It didn't die.
Homer: [after watching a Jewish parody of "Can't Touch This"] Marge are we Jewish?
Homer: Woo hoo! Oh boy!
[Takes out a roast pig and starts to eat it]
Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass.
[falls off bar]
Moe: OW, my back.
Grampa: The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it.
[filming a re-creation of the story of Moses, the Flanders are alarmed when the river current sweeps Tod away from them]
Tod Flanders: Help meeeeeeeeeee...!
Ned Flanders: [praying] Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Tod!
[a bolt of lightning hits a tree, knocking it into the river to stop Tod]
Ned Flanders: Thanks, God!
God: [from heaven] Okily-dokily!
Marge: Did you know that there are over 600 film critics on TV, and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all?
Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?
Smithers: Oh, they're not booing you, Sir, they're shouting "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"
Mr. Burns: [to Audience] Are you shouting "Boo!" or "Boo-urns!"?
Hans Moleman: I was shouting "Boo-urns"...