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(TV Series)

(1995)

Quotes

Mr. Burns: OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.

Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!

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Homer: Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.

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Jay Sherman: Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."

[Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]

Charles Bronson: I wish I was dead. Oy!

Jay Sherman: But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Rainer Wolfcastle: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."

[Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

[pause]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: That's the joke.

Man in audience: You suck, McBain!

[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

Man in audience: Hey, that really sucked!

[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]

Rainer Wolfcastle: [Cut back to Rainer and Jay] The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

Jay Sherman: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?

Rainer Wolfcastle: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Jay Sherman: Just asking. Yeesh!

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Homer: [after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.

Wiseguy: Beer here.

Homer: I'll take ten.

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Lisa: I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...

Homer: [walking by] My ears are burning.

Lisa: Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.

Homer: No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.

Marge: Mmm...

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Marge: Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.

Rainer Wolfcastle: ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...

Montgomery Burns: Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

Rainer Wolfcastle: ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".

[everyone applauds; Burns steams]

Rainer Wolfcastle: [a screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin]

George C. Scott: [doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

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Barney: [during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.

Mayor Quimby: Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

[the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]

Barney: Just hook it to my veins!

[the truck driver prepares an I.V]

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Barney: Next they're gonna show my movie.

Bart: You made a movie ?

Barney: I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

[Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose]

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Jay Sherman: And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.

Homer: It was a Gummi Bear.

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Mr. Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg.

Smithers: He's unavailable.

Mr. Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.

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Barney: I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.

Lisa: Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.

Barney: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

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[Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his underwear]

Bart: [laughs] You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you?

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Jay Sherman: Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied.

Rainer Wolfcastle: [after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.

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[a Lady compliments Barney's movie]

Barney: You're very kind.

Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?

Barney: It didn't die.

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Smithers: Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

Montgomery Burns: Excellent.

[a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]

Hannibal Lecter: Excellent.

[makes the infamous slurping sound]

Montgomery Burns: Next.

William Shatner: Exc-ell-ent.

Montgomery Burns: Next.

Homer: Exactly.

[chuckles]

Homer: D'oh!

Montgomery Burns: [irritated] Next!

Bumblebee Man: ¡Excellente!

Sr. Spielbergo: Es muy bueno.

Montgomery Burns: Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

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Mr. Burns: [Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me?

Smithers: Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".

Mr. Burns: [Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?

[the audience boos and throws rubbish at him]

Hans Moleman: I was saying "Boo-urns"!

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Homer: [after watching a Jewish parody of "Can't Touch This"] Marge are we Jewish?

Marge: No.

Homer: Woo hoo! Oh boy!

[Takes out a roast pig and starts to eat it]

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Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass.

[falls off bar]

Moe: OW, my back.

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Grampa: The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it.

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[filming a re-creation of the story of Moses, the Flanders are alarmed when the river current sweeps Tod away from them]

Tod Flanders: Help meeeeeeeeeee...!

Ned Flanders: [praying] Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Tod!

[a bolt of lightning hits a tree, knocking it into the river to stop Tod]

Ned Flanders: Thanks, God!

God: [from heaven] Okily-dokily!

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Marge: Did you know that there are over 600 film critics on TV, and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all?

Lisa: Ew!

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Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they booing me?

Smithers: Oh, they're not booing you, Sir, they're shouting "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"

Mr. Burns: [to Audience] Are you shouting "Boo!" or "Boo-urns!"?

Audience: Boo!

Hans Moleman: I was shouting "Boo-urns"...

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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