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(TV Series)

(1998)

Quotes

George Costanza: [folding the newspaper he was reading] When are they gonna learn that any news about China is an instant page-turner?

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George Costanza: What's that?

Jerry Seinfeld: It's a Wizard electronic organizer for my dad. I'm going to Florida for his birthday.

George Costanza: How much was it?

Jerry Seinfeld: Two hundred, but I'll tell him it's fifty. He doesn't care about the gift; he gets excited about the deal.

George Costanza: Where are you gettin' a Wizard for fifty dollars?

Jerry Seinfeld: Eh, I'll tell him I got it on the street; maybe it's hot - that's his favorite.

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George Costanza: I got a message from the Rosses at work today.

Jerry Seinfeld: Susan's parents? When's the last time you talked with them?

George Costanza: At the funeral, give or take.... You know, deep down, I always kinda felt that they blamed me for Susan's death.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why? Because you picked out the poison envelopes?... That's silly.

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[Elaine is apathetic about maintaining her relationship with Puddy]

Jerry Seinfeld: Still no Puddy?

Elaine Benes: Eh, I think he's answering machine's broken, so I just gave up.

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Mrs. Ross: George, the Susan Ross Foundation is having an event this weekend.

George Costanza: Oh, I just, uh, leased a house, out in the Hamptons, and I've *got* to get out there this weekend and sign the papers.

Mrs. Ross: Thank you for calling, George.

[she moves to hang up the phone]

George Costanza: Oh, sure. I mean, after all, you were almost my, uh, uh, okay, I gotta go.

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[George is on the telephone]

George Costanza: Uh, Mrs. Ross, it's - it's George.

Mrs. Ross: Who?

George Costanza: George Costanza, Susan's, uh, friend?... Long time, no speak.

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[Jerry has heard George's end of his telephone conversation with Mrs. Ross]

Jerry Seinfeld: House in the Hamptons?

George Costanza: Well, you know, I've been lying about my income for a few years; I figured I could afford a fake house in the Hamptons.

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Cosmo Kramer: Boys, I'm retiring!

Jerry Seinfeld: [Incredulously] From what?

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[Jerry is visiting his parents in Florida; Kramer enters]

Cosmo Kramer: Hey, buddy. When did you get in?

[Kramer goes straight to the refrigerator]

Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, what are you doing here?

Cosmo Kramer: I told you I was retiring. I moved in next door.

Helen Seinfeld: Mr. Cornstein died, and it's a beautiful apartment.

Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, your folks said it was for rent, so I jumped on it.

Jerry Seinfeld: Kramer, you can't live down here! This is where people come to die.

[Mr. and Mrs. Seinfeld look up in horror]

Jerry Seinfeld: Not you. *Older* people.

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Helen Seinfeld: [slapping a cookie from Kramer's hand] Don't eat cookies for breakfast! I'll fix you something. How about a feta cheese omelet?

Cosmo Kramer: Mmm, that sounds great, Mom.

Jerry Seinfeld: You feed him, he'll never leave.

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Elaine Benes: Oh, Mrs. Ross, Mr. Ross.

Mrs. Ross: Oh, you're George's friend.

Mr. Ross: We saw him in the city this weekend. What happened to his place in the Hamptons?

Elaine Benes: [Elaine bursts out laughing and can't stop] The *Hamptons?* George Costanza? I -

[laughs more]

Elaine Benes: I don't think so!

[continues laughing as she leaves]

Elaine Benes: Have a good one.

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[George comes upon Mr. and Mrs. Ross]

George Costanza: Rosses.

Mr. Ross: George, we were just talking about you.

George Costanza: [nervously] Oh...

[more confidently]

George Costanza: Well, sorry I missed that, uh, charity thing, but this was one of those truly glorious Hampton weekends that you always hear about.

Mrs. Ross: [falsely interested] Really?

George Costanza: Yeah, I may move out there.

[the Rosses look bored]

George Costanza: I mean it - I'll do it!... Okay, I'll see you later.... Keep it real!

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[Elaine can't figure out whether her new boyfriend is black. She's talking to Jerry on the telephone]

Jerry Seinfeld: So, did you figure out Darryl's... you know?

Elaine Benes: Nah, I've given up, so now we're going to a bunch of Spanish restaurants.... Figure that'll cover us either way.

Jerry Seinfeld: You're a master of race relations.

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[Elaine and Jerry are talking on the telephone]

Elaine Benes: Hey, so Kramer's running for president of the condo?

Jerry Seinfeld: Yeah, it's all my father's doing. He wants to install Kramer in a puppet regime and then wield power from behind the scenes - preferably from the sauna in the clubhouse.

Elaine Benes: [laughs] Who are they running against?

Jerry Seinfeld: Common sense and a guy in a wheelchair.

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[Jerry is in Florida; Elaine is in his apartment, talking to him on the telephone. George enters the apartment]

George Costanza: Jerry?

Elaine Benes: He's still down with his folks.

George Costanza: What are you doing here?

Jerry Seinfeld: [worriedly] Elaine? *Elaine?*

Elaine Benes: [ignoring Jerry] I'm gettin' his mail.

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, no.

George Costanza: He asked you to get the mail?

Elaine Benes: Mm-hmm.

George Costanza: [George grabs the phone from Elaine] Jerry, why is Elaine getting your mail?

Jerry Seinfeld: George, listen to me. I have a very important job for you.... I want you to come by twice a day and flush the toilet so the gaskets don't dry out and leak.

George Costanza: Well, what about the mail?

Jerry Seinfeld: This is far more important. You *must* exercise the gaskets, George.

George Costanza: All right, Jerry; I'll do it. See ya.

[hangs up]

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George Costanza: So, ran into the Rosses again.

Elaine Benes: Oh, right, at the coffee shop. Where did they get the idea that you have a place in the Hamptons?

George Costanza: From me.

Elaine Benes: What did you say?

George Costanza: I told them I have a place in the Hamptons. What did *you* say?

Elaine Benes: I told them you didn't. And I laughed and I laughed.

[laughing]

George Costanza: So they knew? Those liars!

Elaine Benes: But, you lied first!

George Costanza: [Angrily] Yeah, but they let me go on and on all about the Hamptons; they never said a thing! You don't let somebody lie when you know they're lying - you *call* them a liar!

Elaine Benes: Like, "You're a liar."

George Costanza: Yes! Thank you! Was that so hard?

Elaine Benes: So is this over? Not over?... I'm bettin' "not over."

George Costanza: Not by a long shot. I'm calling up the Rosses and inviting them out to my nonexistent place in the Hamptons. Then, we'll see who blinks first.

Elaine Benes: Haven't you done enough to these people?

George Costanza: This is not about them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to exercise Jerry's gaskets.

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Darryl: Did you hear that?

Elaine Benes: What?

Darryl: God, there are still people who have trouble with an interracial couple.

Elaine Benes: [happily] Interracial? Us?

Darryl: Isn't that unbelievable?

Elaine Benes: Yes! It's awful! They're upset because we're an interracial couple.

[chuckling]

Elaine Benes: That is racism!

Darryl: I don't feel like eating.

Elaine Benes: Me neither - well, maybe this turkey club.

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Cosmo Kramer: We're campaigning, Jerry. To rule the people, one must walk among them.

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Morty Seinfeld: This is the home stretch - tomorrow's the election!

Cosmo Kramer: Right, yeah. The polls close after dinner: three o'clock. But then, when we win, the celebration goes all night until the break of 8:00 p.m.

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[George is driving the Rosses to the Hamptons to visit his fictitious house]

George Costanza: ...and that leads into the master bedroom.

Mrs. Ross: Tell us more.

George Costanza: Wanna hear more?... The master bedroom opens into the solarium.

Mr. Ross: Another solarium?

George Costanza: Yes, two solariums. Quite a find.... And, I... have horses, too.

Mr. Ross: What are their names?

George Costanza: [after a pause] Snoopy and Prickly Pete.... Should I keep driving?

Mrs. Ross: Oh, look: an antique stand. Pull over; we'll buy you a housewarming gift.

George Costanza: [chuckles and speaks to himself] Housewarming gift....

[louder]

George Costanza: All right - we're taking it up a notch!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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