Edit

(TV Series)

(1997)

Quotes

George Costanza: So, Elaine, are you gonna sleep with me, or what?

Elaine Benes: George, I just got off a twenty-three-hour plane ride. I'm too tired to even vomit at the thought.

George Costanza: Fine; I'll ask you again when you're rested.

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm sure she'll come around.

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George Costanza: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

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Sue Ellen Mischke: Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with my Pinter?

Elaine Benes: No, no, no - it was years ago, before you met him! And, I gotta tell you, it was very mechanical.

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George Costanza: You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the *entire time* we were in India!

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Nina Stengle: And by the way, you can take off those boots: Everyone knows you're five-six.

George Costanza: Five-eight!... Five-seven...

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Nina Stengle: George, I've used the bathroom; it's fine.

George Costanza: No, no, no, no - I can walk it off. It's 120 degrees in here: I'll sweat it out.

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Elaine Benes: Hey, are those Timberlands... painted black?

George Costanza: Is your nose pierced?

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Jerry Seinfeld: All right, I admit it. I slept with Nina - but that's all!

George Costanza: "That's all"? That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for, anyway.

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[at Sue Ellen's wedding, just before the ceremony is to begin]

Elaine Benes: [whispering] Would you grow up, George? What is the difference? Nina slept with him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares; it's all ancient history.

George Costanza: [loudly] You slept with the groom?

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[Kramer and FDR hold a wishbone]

Cosmo Kramer: All right, FDR; this wish is for all the marbles. You win, you get your wish: I drop dead. I win: I don't drop dead, and I get one-hundred-percent anti-drop-dead protection - forever.

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Jerry Seinfeld: You know you're not supposed to drink while you're keeping a secret! Is there anything else?

Elaine Benes: I can't tell you!

Jerry Seinfeld: Here, drink this.

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Elaine Benes: [drunk] George knows that you slept with Nina; that's why he was acting so weird.

Jerry Seinfeld: How did he find out?

Elaine Benes: [holding a miniature bottle enthusiastically] He "schnapped" me!

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[arriving in India]

Elaine Benes: Oh, God; it's so hot! And what is that smell?

Jerry Seinfeld: I think it's the stench of death.

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Nina Stengle: George, you've been wearing those boots since I met you. You're not gonna wear them to the wedding, are you?

George Costanza: No.

[snorts]

George Costanza: I'm gonna wear black shoes.

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Sue Ellen Mischke: Elaine? Oh! Oh, I am so happy to see you!

Elaine Benes: You are?

Sue Ellen Mischke: Well, of course. No one else was even willing to come to India. I mean, not even Pinter's parents - and they're Indian.

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Elaine Benes: Oh, boy; there's Sue Ellen. She didn't want me at this wedding, but here am I with a bunch of my idiot friends.

Jerry Seinfeld: [excitedly] This is gonna be great!

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George Costanza: Hello, friend. Enjoying the flight?

Jerry Seinfeld: Coach to India: only way to go.

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Nina Stengle: By the way, you never said anything to George about Jerry and me, did you?

Elaine Benes: Oh, please - it's in the vault.

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Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?

Jerry Seinfeld: You just asked me two minutes ago.

["Two Minutes Ago"]

Elaine Benes: Hey, what time is it?

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, I'm not wearin' a watch.

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[Jerry is disgusted by Newman's beautiful girlfriend's affection for Newman]

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, come on... You know he's a postman, don't you?

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George Costanza: Jerry seem a little weird when I mentioned Nina?

Elaine Benes: Nina? Nina? Nope. Sh... Not weird, no, Nina.

George Costanza: Why do you keep saying "Nina"?

Elaine Benes: I don't know.

[laughing]

Elaine Benes: "Nina." "Nina!"... I'm gonna go grab a bite.

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[Newman and his girlfriend, in her convertible, stop in traffic]

Newman: You see, my dear, all certified mail is registered... but registered mail is not necessarily certified.

Model: [enchanted] I could listen to you talk about mail all day.

Newman: Anything you wish... I'll tell you a little secret about zip codes: They're meaningless.

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[Kramer bursts into Newman's birthday party]

Cosmo Kramer: Newman, wait!

Newman: Kramer, I'm with people.

Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, yeah. And *thanks* for inviting me.

Newman: I did invite you. Your invitation must have gotten..."lost in the mail."

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[Elaine popped into Jerry's apartment just as Nina was leaving Jerry's bedroom]

Elaine Benes: Who else you got back there?

Jerry Seinfeld: Look, there was an awkward moment in the conversation. It never happened before!

Elaine Benes: You *slept with Nina.* What are you gonna tell George?

Jerry Seinfeld: Nothing - and neither will you. George can never know about this: It'll crush him.

Elaine Benes: All right, all right; I'll put it in the vault.

Jerry Seinfeld: No good. Too many people know the combination.

Elaine Benes: What combination?

[Jerry mimes drinking from a bottle]

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Elaine Benes: Your son is marrying my friend, Sue Ellen Mischke -

Usher: You're not going to the wedding, are you?

Elaine Benes: Well -

Usher: Don't go. India is a dreadful, dreadful place.

Zubin: You know, it's the only country that still has the plague.

[laughs]

Zubin: I mean, the plague - please.

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Zubin: If I had to go to India, I wouldn't go to the bathroom the entire trip.

Elaine Benes: That's... fantastic.

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Cosmo Kramer: Hey... FDR wants me to drop dead.

George Costanza: "FDR"?

Cosmo Kramer: Yeah, Franklin Delano Romanowski. I go to his birthday party and, just before he blew out his candles, he gives me this look.

George Costanza: Stink eye?

Jerry Seinfeld: Crook eye?

Cosmo Kramer: *Evil* eye.

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, everybody's a little cranky on their birthday.

George Costanza: Oh, it's a bad day. No, you got everyone in your house; you're thinking, "These are my friends?"

Jerry Seinfeld: Every day is my birthday.

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Elaine Benes: You're not gonna believe what I got in the mail: invitation to Sue Ellen Mischke's wedding.

Jerry Seinfeld: Well, at least the wedding gown will give her some support.

Elaine Benes: Not the point. The wedding is in one week; I got this today.

Jerry Seinfeld: So you think it's a non-vite.

Elaine Benes: It's an un-vitation.

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Elaine Benes: Hey, are you gettin' taller?

George Costanza: Timberlands.

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[Elaine reads the wedding invitation from Sue Ellen Mischke]

Elaine Benes: Hey, look at this: Pinter Ranawat? I wonder if he's related to that guy I dated, Peter Ranawat.

Jerry Seinfeld: It's probably like "Smith" over there.

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[discussing why Jerry and Nina never dated]

Jerry Seinfeld: We were too compatible. Our conversations were so engrossing.

George Costanza: How engrossing?

Jerry Seinfeld: If we ever had a problem with Elaine, we could bring in Nina and not lose a step.

George Costanza: [chuckles with surprise, then shows worry] You don't, uh, have a replacement lined up for me, do you?

[continues chuckling]

George Costanza: [Jerry chuckles knowingly and smiles]

Jerry Seinfeld: Anyway, like I was saying, I couldn't make the transition from conversation to sex. There were no awkward pauses - I need an awkward pause.

George Costanza: I'm all awkward pauses. Fix me up with her.

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George Costanza: Wait a minute - Nina just saw me in my Timberlands. Now, I have to wear them every time I see her.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why?

George Costanza: In any other shoe, I lose two inches; I can't have a drop-down. We were eye-to-eye; I can't go eye-to-chin.

Jerry Seinfeld: So you're gonna wear 'em no matter what the situation?

George Costanza: In every situation, no matter how silly I look.

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["Eleven Years Earlier"]

[Jerry is moving into his new apartment; Kramer emerges from his, wearing a bathrobe]

Cosmo Kramer: Hey, how you doin'?

Jerry Seinfeld: Oh, hi. I'm Jerry Seinfeld; I'm movin' in. I saw your name on the buzzer: You must be Kessler.

Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, actually, it's "Kramer."... Uh, do you need any help, or - ?

Jerry Seinfeld: No, thanks. But, I ordered a pizza; you want some of it?

Cosmo Kramer: Uh, no, no, no; I couldn't impose.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why not? We're neighbors. What's mine is yours.

Cosmo Kramer: [leaning against the door-frame and looking around in wonder] Really?

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Jerry Seinfeld: What the hell is email?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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