Carla: You know, on a first date, I could see what a guy was wearing and know exactly how far he was gonna get that night.
Elliot: Oh, me, too. And THAT guy's gettin' boobies!
[J.D. removes jacket, revealing his button up shirt to be short sleeved]
Elliot: Whooooa! THAT guy's gettin' a hug at the door!
[J.D. removes button up to reveal an Electric Boogie belly shirt]
Elliot: And THAT guy is getting a fake name and a phone number with six digits!
J.D.: I know how ridiculous this looks.
Carla: I don't think you do!
[the hospital is under quarantine]
Dr. Perry Cox: Let's bear in mind that we are shorthanded: There are only four doctors here.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I counted more than that.
Dr. Perry Cox: I'm talking legitimate doctors, turtle-head. Here pee-pants is a pathologist, so he doesn't count. Johnson is a dermatologist, which is Greek for "fake doctor," and please don't even get me started on you four surgeons.
Dr. Todd Quinlan: There's only two of us.
Dr. Perry Cox: You are so very useless, I counted you both twice.
Danni Sullivan: SARS sucks!
Dr. Perry Cox: Okay; you can direct any technical questions to my former sister-in-law.
J.D.: So far, the highlight of the night has been putting the opossum to sleep, and that's *not* a euphemism.
Elliot: J.D., seeing a young doctor do his job is an amazing turn-on for a girl! My dad's a doctor and I remember how I excited I was the first time I saw him work in the hospital. I mean, I didn't want to sleep with him, but there were definitely some complicated feelings... But that's totally normal for an eleven-year-old, right? Anyway, yeah... I forget.
Ted Buckland: Hey, Danni, what's shaking?... Turk and Carla's wedding - we made out?
Dr. Doug Murphy: So did we.
Danni Sullivan: Was it at the same time? Because I have a habit of doing that at people's weddings.
[Carla leads Turk into a patient's room]
Dr. Christopher Turk: I'm bored. I'm a surgeon and there's no surgery.
Carla: Why do you think I brought you in here? We're short-handed; Mr. Denson needs his bedsores redressed.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Baby, that's nurse stuff; I don't have the expertise.
Carla: Turk, any idiot can be a nurse.
Dr. Christopher Turk: I know, I just think -
[Carla shoves Turk hard]
Carla: I knew you thought that - I knew it!
Dr. Christopher Turk: You tricked me...
J.D.: Danni, I'd love to stay and talk, but I'm giving Kylie here a tour of the ICU.
Homeless Steve: Hey, hey, hey - you were gonna take me back to the underpass.
J.D.: After the tour! What is it with you and the underpass?
Danni Sullivan: Now, let's go eat. I've had nothing all day except vodka and olives.
J.D.: It's so great because the residents are practically our slaves.
J.D.: [thought] Ah! I just said "slave" to my new, black girlfriend!
Kylie: Unfreeze, J.D.; it's over.
Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: [reading the chart] Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise... Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
J.D.: [thought] And then I said something stupid...
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [thought] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lock-down.
Dr. Perry Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni Sullivan: [offering a flask] Quaran-tinies, anyone?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Mr. Donaldson hasn't been to Hong Kong in twenty years, so I'd bet my one remaining testicle no one has SARS. Unfortunately, by hospital policy, we have to stay locked down until the labs come back and that's going to take several hours. So, let's hang in there and not forget this is all Dr. Dorian's fault.
[everyone glares at J.D., who makes introductions]
J.D.: Kylie, angry mob; angry mob, Kylie.
J.D.: So be honest: Is this the worst first date you've ever been on or what?
Kylie: I don't know. I think it's kind of exciting: being in a hospital, getting to see you in action. I just wish I could be your assistant.
J.D.: Say no more. Lonnie! Shirt!
J.D.: Don't make me say "pants" - I'll do it.
[Lonnie removes his scrub shirt and gives it to Kylie]
J.D.: Still tanning, I see.
Kylie: He's your bitch, isn't he?
Elliot: So, how's it going with Kylie?
[J.D. motions toward Kylie, who's asleep in a chair]
J.D.: This sucks! I need to look like a stud and a doctor can't look like a stud unless he's saving somebody's life. I need someone to have a heart attack!
[Homeless Steve appears]
Homeless Steve: Got twenty bucks?
Dr. Perry Cox: So, Nurse Gandhi-rella, I need you to suction this guy, do a wet-to-dry dressing change, and, oh, what the hell, go ahead and top him off with one of your special, special sponge baths. Happy ending optional - his choice, not yours.
Dr. Christopher Turk: This guy's in a coma.
Dr. Perry Cox: Not all of him.
Danni Sullivan: Hey, didn't I go to your wedding?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Yeah, you threw up on my Gram-Gram.
Elliot: I had this one first date where the guy took me to play paintball. All he does the whole time is shoot me in the face!... After two years with that guy, I'm like, "That's enough," ya know?
Dr. Todd Quinlan: I went out with this girl; she was like the worst first date ever. I take her for a romantic ferry ride, and for some reason I decide to take it out -
Carla: Okay, your turn is done.
Carla: The worst first date that I ever had was with this guy who took me to this dump of a pizza parlor, right -
Dr. Christopher Turk: You know what? Really don't want to hear about this one, okay?
[Turk turns and nears Dr. Cox, who's talking to a separate group of people]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and she didn't like the pizza I ordered because it had anchovies on it. Can you believe that?
[Turk hurriedly turns back to Carla's story]
Carla: ...it had *anchovies.*
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and pineapples.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and pineapples.
[back to Cox]
Dr. Perry Cox: ...and red peppers.
[back to Carla]
Carla: ...and green peppers.
Carla: Wait - red peppers.
Dr. Christopher Turk: No!
J.D.: I could hear the pain in my best friend's voice and I could feel how little I cared, because by the way Kylie was looking at me, I knew she thought I was sexy.
[standing at a patient bed over the homeless patient who threatened to expose the fake-heart-attack ruse]
Elliot: Wow - he is *really* out.
J.D.: A mild sedative "fell" into his juice box.