Scrubs (TV Series)
My New God (2006)
Zach Braff: Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian
Photos
Quotes
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J.D. : When is this joyous occasion?
Dr. Cox : You're not invited.
J.D. : Oh I see, family only everyone. That's how they're doing it.
Carla : I'm going.
Dr. Cox : Newbie, give me a break of course you're going! For the matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.
J.D. : [whispering] I... am... honored!
Dr. Cox : [whispering] I... am lying.
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Dr. Cox : There will be no whining or crying while we sit here, understood?
J.D. : [Stroking Jack's hair] He seems fine.
Dr. Cox : I wasn't talking to him.
J.D. : I don't whine or cry.
Janitor : Really? Then how do you explain these photos of you whining and crying as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?
J.D. : These are coasters.
Janitor : My camera's broken.
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Dr. Cox : You know what, there, Newbie? You can go to the baptism. Now take Jack; Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you - you're exactly one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.
J.D. : No, thank you. If there's one thing I learned from this guy
[gestures at the Janitor]
J.D. : , it's I need to stop trying to fix people's relationships.
Janitor : You're welcome
J.D. : Still, I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs. In fact, you're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman
Dr. Cox : Meh
J.D. : I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much
Dr. Cox : It doesn't
J.D. : Then why are you so angry?
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J.D. : Hi I'm JD! I'm sure Perry has spoken of me
Paige : No
J.D. : Nothing about taking a taunted go getter under his wig or being surrogate father to a boy who lost his one? Nothing about that at all? I'm surprised. It's interesting for me, but okay!
[thinking]
J.D. : Don't cry in front of people
Paige : Perry and I don't talk much
J.D. : Ohhh they don't talk much everybody! There's not much talking in the family.
Dr. Cox : Rest assured, Newbie. Even if we did talk from morning till night about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me. The big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer and the resurgence of the hard-shelled taco; the small...
Paige : [copying Cox] The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and a-ha-hall fruit-infused liquors... your name still would not have come up.
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Paige : You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid? Every night we'd play horse in the driveway and I'd always kick his ass.
J.D. : Can Christians say ass now? I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mum an ass once. She hit him in the face with an iron. He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.
Paige : Okay, I need to go say hi to Jordan.
[she walks off. Cox arrives as soon as Paige is gone]
J.D. : She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born again Christian sister?
Dr. Cox : I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the bible and found it to be just a darn good read. Or, maybe it had something to do with out mothers ability to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room. What do you think Newbie?
J.D. : Probably the room to room thing.
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Elliot : Uh, what's with the second beeper?
Turk : Carla gave it to me. She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert. Man, we haven't had sex since her last ovulation. Did you know that women only do that once a month?
J.D. : Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.
[thinking]
J.D. : Once a month? That's crazy!
Elliot : I don't know why I even bother ovulating. Little Hailey doesn't have a chance this month. I name my eggs - big frick. Last month it was Cassy
J.D. : Oh Cassy's pretty!
Elliot : Oh, she would have been, J.D. She would have been.
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Turk : Aw, dammit, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.
J.D. : Are you actually complaining about getting to have sex? Because that is so insensitive, Turk!
Turk : J.D.!
J.D. : Let me feel my feelings, Turk! We worked on this!
[J.D. storms off]
Turk : I've really gotta stop doing that!
Elliot : You can talk to me if you want?
Turk : Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex.I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is schwing-something...
Elliot : Schwing-schwong, peepers, or peep.
Turk : Right. And vagina is...?
Elliot : Disgusting! But also bajingo or hoo-hoo.
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J.D. : Morning, sunshine!
Dr. Cox : Never say that again.
J.D. : Noted. That was quite a fight you had with your sister yesterday. Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral on the corner of Maple and Pine, right across from Temple Oheb Shalom, at 4 P.M. today?
Dr. Cox : That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.
J.D. : Mark my words... when that little bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.
Dr. Cox : Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by. Mr. Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is finally working. If you happen to be keeping score at home, that would be Medicine, One -God, Zero.
J.D. : Ah, you don't have to rub it in her face.
Dr. Cox : Yeah, and I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants every morning, but I still do. Now isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?
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J.D. : [narrating] Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.
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J.D. : [narrating] In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.
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J.D. : And I know that if I make a gesture of friendship toward a coworker... I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.
