Carla: Girls! I want an explanation.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Fine. Turk, tell her our code.
Turk: If you haven't had sex in six months, you're not accountable for who you sleep with.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Okay, this woman is horrifying, so don't panic.
Jordan Sullivan: I'll be fine.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I was talking to myself.
Carla: What is the matter with you two? JD, you said you were going to break up with Neena.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: I know! Believe me, the whole time we were having sex I was thinking about Turk. That came out wrong.
Jordan Sullivan: You are so much stronger than all the other idiot residents around here.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Really?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan? I need you to break up with someone for me.
Jordan Sullivan: Really.
Harvey Corman: Hey, there's no pie here. Oh my god! You two are going to kill me!
Carla: Nobody's going to kill you.
Turk: Hi, I'm Dr. Nobody.
Turk: Baby, you know if my malpractice insurance goes through the roof, you're gonna have to take a step-down lifestyle wise.
Carla: I live in a tiny apartment with my husband, his best friend, and their dead stuffed dog. What's the step down?
Dr. Perry Cox: I should've known, Barbie. Hell, you have been impersonating a doctor since the first day you got here.
Dr. Perry Cox: Barbie, the guy's a sexist pig. He's gonna eat you alive.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Look, I'm not the same doctor I was four years ago. I'm smarter, I'm more confident...
Dr. Perry Cox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just skip the rest of your "I'll show you speech" and just walk away in a huff. I'm very busy. Thank you!
Neena Broderick: Morning. I'll see you at the deposition. I'll try not to spank your lawyer as hard as I spanked him last night.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Bye! FYI, there was no spanking last night, okay?
Carla: Really? Then this won't hurt then.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Nope.
Turk: Hit him again baby.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Why?
Neena Broderick: So should we start this deposition or do you boys want to just hand us a big bag of money?
Harvey Corman: Big bag of money.
Turk: You aren't gonna freeze up around her again, are you Ted?
Ted Buckland: No chance. I'm drugged up. Plus, if I concentrate, I think I can control the excessive flop sweat I get the second she speaks!
Dr. Perry Cox: Life is pointless, Gandhi and I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. The only thing more pointless than life itself is being a doctor. I mean, bottom line, you spend eight years and 200G's trying to get through med school and what do you have to show for it? I'll tell ya. A diploma on your wall and a bullseye on your back.
Mr. Summers: When the hell am I getting out of here?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr. Reid thought you might ask that and he had an answer for you. Shut your cakehole!
The Janitor: Hello, I'm Dr. Reid. Dr. Elliot Reid. I'm a doctor.
Carla: And you reminded him that people are basically good.
Dr. Perry Cox: People suck. They suck. And make no mistake about it, even sweet little old ladies are looking to bend you over a chair in court. Come on.
Dr. Perry Cox: We covered people.
Carla: And I know you wouldn't never do anything to ruin his innocence.
Dr. Perry Cox: You see, there's a compartment in the hat. So the stinkin' rabbit is actually in there the whole time, right?
Carla: Look, Turk. I know you feel like you did right by him, but you have to acknowledge that Mr. Corman here feels like you let him down.
Harvey Corman: You know what? I don't feel that way. I know you did the best job you could. But there's something you should know about me. People hate me. But in tennis, they're forced to interact. So for three hours, two Sundays a month, I have friends. You know what I mean?
Carla: So what you're saying is that even though you think my husband did a great job, you've decided to crush his spirit by putting a permanent black mark on his medical record over a tennis game?
Harvey Corman: I fear I've said too much.
Carla: Christopher Duncan Turk, you tell him how you really feel just like you told me last night or I will do it for you. Baby! Why does he hurt me so bad?
Turk: We should take a short recess.
Neena Broderick: Believe me, you're better off.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I agree.
Jordan Sullivan: You come in here and walk around like you're the queen bee. Guess what, Missy, this is my house. You and Mr. Chestless here are over. So move on! Cause if you don't, I'm going to turn your little lame liason into a threesome, starring yours truly. And I don't kiss nice.
Jordan Sullivan: Elliot, if you can handle that sexist dirtbag in there, you can certainly handle Perry.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Why are you being so nice to me?
Jordan Sullivan: Okay, Perry occasionally talks to me at home, and he told me that you don't need him as much anymore, and it annoys the hell out of him, which of course gives me endless enjoyment.
Carla: Here's what's going to happen. You're going to drop this lawsuit because it's wrong and you know it. But also because if you don't, I'm going to pound the plaid right off of that shirt and make it so that the only way you'll be able to eat pie is through a straw!
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Jordan's making me stretch out her new jeans.
Dr. Perry Cox: Cry me a river. Guess what Gandhi's wife is making me do because if supposedly "broke his spirit".
Harvey Corman: Ever since the operation, I've been serving lefty so it could be a little unpredictable.
Dr. Elliot Reid: So, how are we feeling, Mr. Summers?
Mr. Summers: I feel like my ex-wife is standing on my chest and not the pretty one. The fat one that had all my kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Fantastic! I'd like to start by...
Mr. Summers: Listen, Goldilocks. Unless the next three words out of your mouth are some combination of sponge, bath, and my big white ass, I'm not interested.
Dr. Bob Kelso: You're diabetic?
Turk: Yes, I told you that.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I thought you were joking.
Turk: How is that funny?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Well, it's a very serious disease and I don't like you.
Harvey Corman: Hey, I want you to know I still think you're a great doctor and I've been talking to my rabbi a lot lately about me finally getting circumsized. It's not a religious thing, it's-it's more for the ladies. What?
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Wait, hold on Turk! Haven't you ever heard of keeping your enemies closer? I was just keeping her close!
Carla: JD, how could you do this to Turk? You two are so close that I occassionally have nightmares of running away together.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Where do we go?
Turk: One time we went to Aspen.
Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Oh, I hope it was summer. I'm not that big a skier.