Ted: Hey, Carla, did you hear that the lottery is up to a hundred million dollars? I tell you, if I can win that baby, it's separate beds for me and my mom!
Carla: Yeah, and then you can use the other $99,999,000 for therapy!
Dr. Cox: And the category is... DING! "Things that have a better chance of happening than YOU winning the lottery." Tedscape, throw ten seconds on the clock, would you please? And GO! Brain transplants, Britney Spears having another hit record, the Rolling Stones going on a farewell tour and actually meaning it, me caring about just ANYTHING that happens on Wysteria Lane, Jessica Simpson winning an Oscar, Jessica Alba winning an Oscar, Jessica Simpson becoming Jessica Alba Simpson...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Who the hell ate my scone?
Dr. Cox: That would be me, Bobbo, and it was delicious - my compliments to the lady.
Dr. Bob Kelso: I made those!
Dr. Cox: I know!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Dude, he keeps a hug schedule with his friends.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Oh, okay, Turk! Looks like someone's getting crossed off their two o'clock spot and getting pencilled in for never. How does that feel? Does it sting?
Dr. Bob Kelso: Who's a whore?
Dr. Elliot Reid: That'd be me, sir.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Oh, of course.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I was making out with a married man while his sick child slept a few feet away. Oh my god! I've become my mother!
Dr. Bob Kelso: I've heard enough. Let's call it and go to lunch.
Dr. Cox: Just hold on! That is NOT the way it works, Bobbo. This is important, dammit. You sit back down and get on with it.
Dr. Bob Kelso: Perry, I'm in charge.
Keith: What are you doing?
Dr. Elliot Reid: Don't look at me! Keith, you see the woman standing outside?
[Keith mistakes a fat old woman for the "woman" Elliot meant]
Keith: Yeah, i see her.
Dr. Elliot Reid: I made out with her husband this morning
Keith: That's disgusting
Mrs. Wilk: Dr Reid, why are you hiding? You didn't do anything wrong.
Dr. Elliot Reid: If we all win this lottery, I am using this money to find a decent man.
Keith: Nurse Espinosa, Mr Foster's cough is getting worse and Dr Dorian's gone. Dr Reid's covering, but she's sort of indisposed.
Carla: Kid, I'm about to become a millionaire. Call Dr. Turk, he's the surgeon on call.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: This whole experience got me thinking about the nature of gratitude. I guess in the end whether you're a doctor or a garbage man...
Dr. Bob Kelso: Dorian! What are you doing?
Dr. Bob Kelso: In the end, when Mr Foster started coughing up blood the on-call surgeon was stuck in traffic, the nursing staff was busy losing the lottery, his original doctor was thanking a garbage man, and the covering physician was incapacitated. And what was Mr Forster doing? He was dying in the hands of the Interns!
Dr. Cox: Wait, wait, let me get on in this! Let's also have a toast to Mr Forster's widow and his fatherless kids.
Dr. Elliot Reid: Dr Cox, it wasn't our fault.
Dr. Cox: Because you are lucky! You know as well as I do, it could have been any one of your faults. Congrats again! Have a well party!
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: It's never easy when someone accuses you of screwing up, especially when you know it's true. When that happens you can't shrug it off, because in a hospital the best way to learn from your mistakes is to carry them with you.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Why ostriches?
Mr. Sutton: They're such majestic creatures, don't you think? And, you know, they're kinda like my children. Plus, I make belts out of their necks.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: OK... look, Mr Sutton, I'm sure you're wondering why I'm here
[Turk gets thrown in through the window, screaming]
Mr. Sutton: There is a door!
Dr. Christopher Turk: Man...
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Are you OK? Did you try and escape?
Dr. Christopher Turk: I did escape... there was one waiting in the car.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Ah...
Mr. Sutton: That's Leon. Loves the car rides. Likes to stick his head out the window... I tell him it's a little too dangerous but he doesn't listen to me.
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Mr Sutton, I cured you and you never thanked me.
Mr. Sutton: Why would I thank you for doing your job? I'm a garbage man: how many times a day do you think I get thanked?
Dr. Christopher Turk: Six.
Mr. Sutton: You're off by about six.
Dr. Christopher Turk: Twelve!
Mr. Sutton: I'm starting to see why Leon outfoxed you...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Stupid bird stole my hat!
[Sutton leaves the room]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I just don't see why it's such a big deal for you to say "Hey, doc...". Why'd he just walk away like that?
Dr. Christopher Turk: [mumbling] I don't know.
[Leon enters the room; he sports Turk's hat; J.D. And Turk slowly turn around]
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: Ruh-roh...
Dr. Christopher Turk: Don't move...
Dr. John "J.D." Dorian: I gotta admit he look pretty phat in your Kangol...