- Jimmy Fallon: The fifth Harry Potter book, which goes on sale in July, will have a record printing of 8.5 million copies. Which explains why the sixth book is being called: 'Harry Potter and the End of Trees'.
- The Falconer: Oh, Donald... meanwhile, this little patch of heaven remains ours, for at least another day. And, until then... you will be the Falcon... and I will remain...
- Announcer: The Falconer.
- Ashton Kutcher - Host: [Ashton Kutcher enters on stage, wearing a shirt and shoes but no pants. He is in only his underwear, and we hear his inner thoughts] Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?
- Maya Rudolph: How's about a... how's about a hug for Mama, huh? Yeah.
- Ashton Kutcher: [begins to hug Maya, but thinks to himself] Oh, no! This is not good. No hugging the ladies in the tighty whities. Abort! Abort!
- 50's Ent. Singer: We're delighted to be here and we hope to send you off to hell with a smile on your face and doo-wop in your hearts.