- Oprah Winfrey: The Oprah works in mysterious ways, honey. Oprah has changed her Oprah mind. She will pay you the one million dollars for your interview.
- Monica Lewinsky: Well, Oprah, what made you change your mind?
- Oprah Winfrey: Well basically, Oprah's movie Beloved is eating it at the box office, hard. Oprah doesn't know what Oprah was thinking.
- David Spade: [lying on psychiatrist's couch] I curse the paparazzi! I curse the tabloids! Oh, gee..
- Therapist: So you find yourself in the tabloids a lot?
- David Spade: No, not yet. But I feel it coming, any day now..