- Norm Macdonald: The nation is still reeling from Thursday's bombshell announcement that Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from Michael Jackson. According to friends, the two were never a good match. She's more of a, eh, stay at home type, and he's more of a homosexual pedophile.
- Ted Koppel: And so an age of innocence is no more. I myself come from a broken home; my parents divorced when I was young, so when Lisa and Michael got married, it was like my own parents had reunited. I don't care if - and I don't know if I'll ever lover again.
- Michael Jackson: Look, I don't care anymore, I don't care about her, because, Ted, I'm a dog! I love the ladies with their short brown hair, slim, sixty pound bodies and the way they like to play with action figures.
- Norm Macdonald: And now Weekend Update would like to wish a happy birthday to comic legend George Burns, who turned one hundred years old today.
- [applause from the audience]
- Norm Macdonald: You know, I don't know the secret to his longevity but I, I think I speak for all of us when I say I hope Pauley Shore doesn't know it either.
- Ariana the cheerleader: I'm Ariana! I have Teen Spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out!
- Ariana the cheerleader, Craig the cheerleader: ChaCha boochie, ChaCha Chaboochie Roll Call!
- Craig the cheerleader: My name is Craig, I did drugs once. I am a Spartan, so check me out!
- Ariana the cheerleader, Craig the cheerleader: [they out their backs to each other] So check us out.
- Ariana the cheerleader: How's my hair look?
- Craig the cheerleader: It looks ok, you have some split ends, though.
- [she gasps]
- Craig the cheerleader: I'm sorry, I'm a friend.
- Ariana the cheerleader: I respect your honesty, but it still hurts!