Lamont Sanford: I'll go to a movie or somethin'.
Fred G. Sanford: There's a good one down at the Rialto. You oughtta go down there and see it. I think it's about a revolt in an old age home.
Lamont Sanford: Now that sounds hip. What's it called?
Fred G. Sanford: Caine Mutiny.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Now what do I do every year about this time?
Fred G. Sanford: Shed your skin?
Aunt Esther Anderson: No. I round up talent for my church show.
Fred G. Sanford: And that's where you belong - in a round-up.
Fred G. Sanford: [Addressing the salesman in a magic trick store] Maybe you can help me?
Salesman: I doubt it. We deal in tricks, not in miracles.
Fred G. Sanford: Uh, well, then you just the man I wanna see. See, somebody played a very dirty trick on me.
Salesman: I can see. Mother Nature.
Grady Wilson: [Serving supper to the Sanfords] We'll start the evening off with my famous Russian cocktail. Vodka and prune juice.
Lamont Sanford: [Spits out drink] Vodka and prune juice?
Grady Wilson: Yeah, yeah. I call that my Trotsky.
Lamont Sanford: Why don't you each take an ear of corn and start at opposite ends?
Aunt Esther Anderson: I'd like some butter on my end.
Fred G. Sanford: What'cha want on the corn?
Fred G. Sanford: [to Chinese man in magic store, using very bad paraphrasing] Hi-ee, me and ug-lee, lockee in wristees, needee your helpee.
Chinese Man: [With nary a trace of accent] You don't need me, you need a speech therapist.
Grady Wilson: I'm rehearsing my magic act for Esther's church show.
Aunt Esther Anderson: He's good, Fred.
Fred G. Sanford: Can you saw a woman in half?
Grady Wilson: Well, not yet.
Fred G. Sanford: Why don't you take Esther and practice.
Grady Wilson: As an appetizer, we'll have boiled beef tongue and bananas.
Lamont Sanford: I'm almost afraid to ask what that's called, Grady.
Grady Wilson: Oh no, go ahead.
Lamont Sanford: What's it called?
Grady Wilson: A Lickety Split.