- Zelda Spellman: Hilda's still not back from her audition?
- Salem Saberhagen: No. That's Spanish for "no."
- Sabrina Spellman: Yeah, her musical talent is a wonderful gift. And she needs to bore other people with it.
- Salem Saberhagen: Let's face it. Classical music isn't the gravy train it used to be.
- Zelda Spellman: It's not like the golden age. Vienna in the 1700s. In those days there were more orchestras than consumption wards.
- Salem Saberhagen: And you were never ostracized for eating a dead rat in public.
- Harvey Kinkle: The school's having a battle of the bands. And I signed us up.
- Sabrina Spellman: I didn't know we were a band.
- Harvey Kinkle: Every group had to start somewhere. Usually in a garage. We can leapfrog that and start in the gym. What do you say?
- Valerie Birkhead: We could have cool outfits.
- Sabrina Spellman: We could work on dance moves.
- Valerie Birkhead: Put together a light show. I always wanted to be in a band.
- Sabrina Spellman: Me too. We're in.
- Harvey Kinkle: Great.
- Sabrina Spellman: So does anyone here actually know how to play an instrument?
- Hilda Spellman: Oh, just call him. Tell him that you changed your medication and that you're feeling better. That always works for me.
- Manager: Okay, you got the job. You're our new strolling fiddler.
- Hilda Spellman: Was it my Beethoven?
- Manager: It's just that you fit into the costume.
- Presenter: Zelda Spellman made a strong impression with her paper "Polymers: More Uses Than You Think." But the winner is Dr. Clark Terdlington.
- Dr. Terdlington: It's been an unbearably long evening of dull speeches, so I'll make this brief. I'm better than you.
- Zelda Spellman: Sabrina! Oh, thank goodness. No one was injured.
- Harvey Kinkle: How do we sound?
- Zelda Spellman: Stay in school.
- Libby Chessler: Well, if it isn't the Electric Freak Orchestra. And by the way, the cheerleaders have a band, and we're gonna win.
- Valerie Birkhead: She doesn't know that.
- Libby Chessler: Yes, I do. Cheerleaders always win. And geeks always lose. I believe they call that the natural order.
- Sabrina Spellman: I do not want to lose to Libby. We have to get good, and we have to get good soon.
- Valerie Birkhead: We're not good?
- Libby Chessler: I hope someone brought some baking soda, because something stinks in here. Oh. Look. It's Sabrina's band.
- Sabrina Spellman: I'd think of a snappy comeback, but it's true.
- Zelda Spellman: Libby insults you because she's jealous.
- Sabrina Spellman: I don't think so. Is there a spell that can make dogs howl every time she opens her mouth?
- Zelda Spellman: You have to be careful how you treat people. Even rotten people. You might regret it one day.
- Sabrina Spellman: I had no idea you could bottle talent.
- Salem Saberhagen: Where do you think that expression comes from? A six-pack of refreshing talent, now with the handy twist-top.
- Sabrina Spellman: Cool. But I won't use it unless it's absolutely necessary.
- Salem Saberhagen: Hey, I don't care how you justify it.
- Sabrina Spellman: So how'd the gig go?
- Hilda Spellman: Lousy. I tried to merge the worlds of art and prime rib, but I failed.
- Principal Willard Kraft: Now, I understand that everyone has been informed that I am judging the band contest tonight.
- Libby Chessler: Yes.
- Sabrina Spellman: Okay, so no talent isn't the only thing against us
- Principal Willard Kraft: Okay, it's only fair that I let the final band compete, Although the expression "just a formality" certainly comes to mind. Please welcome Entry Number 5.
- Valerie Birkhead: We forgot to come up with a name.
- Sabrina Spellman: Just play.
- Salem Saberhagen: They take a sip of flat talent, they go flat too.
- Sabrina Spellman: Great. So I'll just let these go flat, and when I see Harvey and Valerie tonight, they'll drink, and we'll go back to being talentless friends.
- Salem Saberhagen: Did you pop one for yourself?
- Sabrina Spellman: Me? I haven't been affected by having things go my way.
- Salem Saberhagen: Oh, please. Little Miss "I'm Too Cool To Do My History Homework."
- Sabrina Spellman: I had an autograph signing. Okay.
- Harvey Kinkle: We'll grab some eats, and I'll tell the others about you joining the band.
- Valerie Birkhead, Sabrina Spellman: What?
- Harvey Kinkle: Hi. Sabrina, Valerie, I'd like you to meet Sunset.
- Valerie Birkhead: You can't just bring someone into the band.
- Sabrina Spellman: Especially someone named Sunset.
- Principal Willard Kraft: Well, I see you guys took that bad-rehearsal, great-show thing to heart, huh?
- Valerie Birkhead: I can't suck on TV. You'd think I'd be good at humiliation. It's just another thing I failed to master.
- Libby Chessler: I was just in the girls' bathroom. What am I doing here?
- Sabrina Spellman: Isn't it weird, you're doing something, you're mind is somewhere else, and bam, you're in a gym and you're asking, "How did I get here?"
- Libby Chessler: How did I get here?
- Sabrina Spellman: My point exactly.
- Zelda Spellman: Hello. You don't know me, but I just wanted to say, Dr. Terdlington is a hero, Zelda Spellman is a zero.
- Dr. Terdlington: Now on to the B's.
- Libby Chessler: And you want me to sing for you?
- Sabrina Spellman: In exchange for eternal gratitude, endless flattery, and a piece of the merchandising.
- Libby Chessler: I'll do it.
- Sabrina Spellman: You will?
- Libby Chessler: But let's get one thing straight. It's only because I love to sing.
- Sabrina Spellman: And we love to hear you sing, because you sing so very, very well. And you're pretty too.
- Libby Chessler: Let's change "endless flattery" to cash.
- Sabrina Spellman: So are we still speaking to each other?
- Harvey Kinkle: Yes. If we never talk about how bad we played today.
- Valerie Birkhead: I can't figure out what went wrong. Was there something in that hummus?
- Sabrina Spellman: Let's remember not to let anything like this get in the way of friendship.
- Valerie Birkhead: You mean success? I don't think that will be a problem.
- Harvey Kinkle: I blame Sunset.
- Sabrina Spellman: Salem, There are five bottles here.
- Salem Saberhagen: That's very good, Sabrina. Now, what colour is the tablecloth?
- Sabrina Spellman: No. I brewed six. Where's the last bottle of talent?
- Valerie Birkhead: You still stuck on that whole us winning thing?
- Sabrina Spellman: Come on. It's not so bad. I mean, the only difference between us and them is they're talented.
- Harvey Kinkle: Makes you wonder if Hitler was actually a good painter.
- Valerie Birkhead: Sabrina, I wrote a song for our TV debut, but the drummer has a problem with it.
- Harvey Kinkle: Take a look at it.
- Sabrina Spellman: Valerie, you wrote a song called My Valerie?
- Valerie Birkhead: Wait till you see what he wants to do.
- Harvey Kinkle: I drew up some ideas for a complete new look for the band. That's you and Val.
- Sabrina Spellman: Why are we dressed like worms? They're brown unitards. It's a comment on an asexual society. And I'm the universal love being, signified by the goat ears and the sleeveless spandex vestments.
- Sabrina Spellman: Love being?
- Valerie Birkhead: Yeah, but we can't sing about me.
- Harvey Kinkle: I'm trying to change America.
- Valerie Birkhead: Oh, yeah?
- Sabrina Spellman: Hold it. Why are we fighting? We're friends.
- Valerie Birkhead: Because he has a stupid idea.
- Sabrina Spellman: Oh, yeah. I am not gonna perform dressed like a bug.
- Harvey Kinkle: This is my band.
- Valerie Birkhead, Sabrina Spellman: Your band?
- Dr. Terdlington: Well, the science biz is so full of phoneys, but I like your fire.
- Zelda Spellman: Well, actually, I've always admired you. Not your personality, but your mind.