Alan Sues: Ringo, which was eh, your favorite hit record?
Ringo Starr: I wanna hold your hand.
Alan Sues: [reaches out his hand, which Ringo takes] Now will you tell me which was your favorite hit record?
Ringo Starr: Alan, you're adorable. And you're weird.
Alan Sues: Well you're the freako that wanted to hold my hand.
Teresa Graves: Now here's the scam on what it's all about. Dick and Dan' gonna let it all hang out!
Dan Rowan: Well, the toy manufacturers have done it again. They have a new board game, called 'Vietnam'. It's an adult game, played by young people. The rules are impossible to understand and, and nobody can win.
Posh lady at cocktail party: We rich people have our problems too. One of my girlfriends recently was so despondent she committed suicide. Of course it was tastefully done: she had her chauffeur drive her over a cliff.
Goldie Hawn: I understand your boyfriend's a perfect gentleman at all times, Pammie.
Pamela Rodgers: Yeah, but it's better than no boyfriend at all.
Roving Reporter Ruthie Buzzi: While shooting a western on location in the Mohave desert, film star Don Rickles was bitton on the leg by a rattle snake. A fatal seizure followed. However, filming was resumed immediately after the burial of the snake.
Teresa Graves: Ringo, has fame and fortune changed your life at all?
Ringo Starr: No, it's just brought me fame and fortune.
Alan Sues: With the new planes going faster than the speed of sound, heh, you can now talk behind your own back.
Henry Gibson: That's tonight's look at the wonderful world of Timothy Leary and Raquel Welch.
Tyrone F. Horneigh: Oh, I get it.
Tyrone F. Horneigh: The high and the mighty.
Ringo Starr: Very interesting.
German Soldier: Say, Dingo...
Ringo Starr: The name's Ringo.
German Soldier: Ringo, Dingo, you're in my bush. Get out of my bush.
Ringo Starr: Ok.
German Soldier: Winners get trees, losers get bushes. Think about it.
Goldie Hawn: Hey Dan, you know what? Dick is a penny pincher.
Dan Rowan: What, why, why do you say that? Who says so?
Goldie Hawn: Penny.
Ringo Starr: You can be certain that a man with a banana in his ear does not want you to notice his feet.
Arte Johnson: Poor Twiggy. She lost her modeling job, and now she's a topless waitress in a pancake house.