- Dan Rowan: Berlin, twenty years from now, 1989. There was dancing in the streets today as East Germany finally tore down the Berlin wall. The joy was shortlived, however, as the wall was quickly replaced by with a moat full of alligators.
- Old Folks Home manager: Look, I know that age doesn't end the romance in life, but you can't go on behaving like newlyweds, you'll kill each other. It's really suicide: from now on, Arthur, you sleep down here on the couch. And you, Lisa, go upstairs or Arthur won't live a month.
- Announcer: Later, that same old couple...
- Lisa: [Arthur and Lisa meet on the stairs] Where are you going, Arthur?
- Arthur: Well... I was just on my way up to commit suicide.
- Lisa: That's funny. I was on my way down to kill ya.
- Ruth Buzzi: Why is Sophia Loren always in a, a bathtub in her movies?
- Dave Madden: You gotta be kidding. If she took a shower, h-her feet would never get wet.
- Ruth Buzzi: Whoohoo!
- Judy Carne: I came to Hollywood to make an honest living.
- Dan Rowan: Well, you oughta do well, there's not much competition here.
- The Parson: I'm for keeping up with the times, but I find it hard to refer to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John as "The Good Guys".
- Chelsea Brown: We're all brothers and sisters under the skin. Gee, maybe that's the trouble. We're all under each other's skin.
- Dan Rowan: After dealing with the problems of the Presidency for a month and a half, I hear Mister Nixon's thinking of demanding a recount.
- Gladys Ormphby: Oh, my interior decorator has impeccable taste. When he did my place over, as the finishing touch, he made me move out.
- Dan Rowan: Kennedy Airport, 1989. Today the new supersonic jet, fasted airplane in the world, broke the transcontinental speed record when it arrived five minutes before it took off.
- Dan Rowan: [after Dick says he'll be spending the weekend In Borneo] You'd better be careful, you know, what do you think about those headhunters?
- Dick Martin: I'm a leg man, myself.