- Liberace: I know all about the birds and the bees. Now what I want to know is, was I born in a nest or a hive?
- Henry Gibson: "I Couldn't Come Up With a Poem This Week" by Henry Gibson.
- [exits, then returns]
- Henry Gibson: Well, no muse is good muse.
- Ruth Buzzi: You know, they don't pay me much on this show, so I couldn't afford to have my ears pierced, so I stapled my earrings on.
- Jo Anne Worley: I heard there's a nearsighted peeping tom in my neighborhood, so I just put in a big prescription picture window.
- Goldie Hawn: [to Tony Curtis] It's such a thrill to meet the Boston Strangler. Will you please be sure and tell Mrs. Strangler I said, "hello"?
- Dick Martin: You know, with all the money the government's spending abroad, there's nothing left to spend on the broads here at home.
- Liberace: I'm at that awkward age. Too old for the Pepsi Generation and too young for the Geritol For Lunch Bunch.
- Cliff Robertson: In my new movie, Charly, I play a retarded person, a fellow with an IQ of 59, sort of a bright Dick Martin.
- Joseph Cotten: Why does it take four barbers to give someone from Burbank a haircut? Well, one for each side.