- Dick Martin: You bet your sweet bippy I would!
- [laughs]
- Dan Rowan: I've been meaning to ask you. What's a bippy?
- Dick Martin: That's a baby bip.
- Dan Rowan: Yeah, but what's a bip?
- Dick Martin: Big bippy.
- Jo Anne: I wanted to ask my boyfriend to see "In the Heat of the Night," but I didn't know how to phrase the invitation.
- Pamela Austin: Our country would be much better off with a strong leader.
- Joey Bishop: I know, but Sinatra can't do everything.
- Girl at Cocktail Party: How will I know you'll still love me if we get married?
- Dick Martin: Baby, you know how I love married ladies.
- Judge Sammy: Here come the Judge, here come the Judge, here come the Judge, here come the Judge.
- Judge Roddy: [Hits gavel twice] Why did you stick your knife into the plaintiff?
- Pat the accused: Well, I heard the police coming, and I had to hide it somewhere.
- Sammy Davis Jr.: You know, my ancestors picked so much cotton that I still hate to open an aspirin bottle.
- Joey Bishop: If you're scoring at home, that was the first good one tonight.
- Sammy Davis Jr.: I'll tell you, I just can't win. Last night I dreamt I was white, and a colored kid beat me up.
- Joey Bishop: I thought that was funny, but I laugh at everything.
- Sammy Davis Jr.: You know, we're not too dumb. We move into a block and when the values go down, we buy up all the land and then move out.
- Joey Bishop: Here's another one that won't choke you up:
- Sammy Davis Jr.: You know, they don't make us sit in the back of the bus anymore, because they found out most of the accidents happen in the front.
- Joey Bishop: What we got here is a failure to communicate.
- Sammy Davis Jr.: I plan to run in Mississippi.
- Joey Bishop: For what?
- Sammy Davis Jr.: The state line.
- Pamela Austin: I know Joey Bishop isn't your real name. Now, what was it before you changed it?
- Joey Bishop: Helen Hayes.
- Announcer: And now, direct from the recovery room of the beautiful uptown Burbank hospital, here in beautiful downtown Burbank, NBC presents: Rowan and Laugh-In's Martin!
- Judge Sammy: [walking uptight across the screen instead of his usual swinging strutt] Here comes the judge, here comes the judge, here comes the judge, here comes the judge, here comes the judge.
- Judge Roddy: [bangs his gavel] The prisoner is not guilty of theft.
- Pat the accused: Does that mean I don't have to give back the watch?