- Roseanne Conner: [thinking, to the turkey] There's your aunt Jackie, five bucks says she forgot the cranberry sauce.
- Jackie Harris: [comes in at 5 A.M] I'm not awake yet, I drove all the way over here in first gear.
- Roseanne Conner: So did you get it?
- [Jackie puts a dented can of cranberry sauce on the table]
- Roseanne Conner: ONE CAN for 12 people?
- Jackie Harris: Well, I won't have any.
- Roseanne Conner: [mocking] Well I won't have any.
- Jackie Harris: You want me to go back to the store and get another?
- Roseanne Conner: No, when Mom calls later for the 20th time today to see if we need anything, I'll tell her to pick it up and it'll make her feel complete.
- Roseanne Conner: [sees Dan and the kids asleep in the living room, thinking] Just look at them, stuffed and unconscious like a bunch of beached whales... and they're all mine, and for that, I am truly thankful.
- [walks back into the kitchen]
- Roseanne Conner: Of course I'd trade any of them in a minute for a dishwasher.
- [to the carcass on the plate]
- Roseanne Conner: How're you doing, turkey? You look like I feel.
- Roseanne Conner: [about their mom] You didn't even call her on her birthday!
- Jackie Harris: Oh God, you sound just like her! I never call, I never visit, I never tell you what's going on in my life!
- Dan Conner: [staggers in half asleep] What's going on?
- Roseanne Conner: Nothing, you can go back to sleep.
- Dan Conner: I heard all the hollering and I thought your parents got here early.
- [chuckles]
- Roseanne Conner: [thinking] Poor turkey, they probably hung you in a dark room by your toes until it was time to cut off your head. Well stop complaining!
- [slaps the turkey's leg]
- Roseanne Conner: My headache's just beginning!
- Roseanne Conner: That's what I love about this family, we don't want to talk about things so we bring them up at the dinner table. Here, have some more turkey!
- [drops a plate in the middle of the table]
- Ed Conner: Oof, I am stuffed.
- Roseanne Conner: Are you sure I can't fix you a big fat turkey sandwich?
- [Ed groans]
- Dan Conner: [stuffed after dinner] There's a chemical they put in turkey that makes you sleepy.
- Jay Bryant: L-tryptophan.
- Dan Conner: Yeah, good ol' tryptophan, that stuff just wipes you out.
- Roseanne Conner: Yeah, it couldn't have been those four beers, could it?
- Dan Conner: Eh, I ain't driving anywhere.