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"Roseanne" War and Peace (TV Episode 1993) Poster

(TV Series)

(1993)

Quotes

Dan Conner: [to Darlene] Morning. Where is everybody?

Darlene Conner: Mom went to the supermarket and Jackie's still sleeping. The doctor gave her something to knock her out.

Dan Conner: What about D.J.?

Darlene Conner: I tried, but he wouldn't swallow the pill.

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Jackie Harris: It's just really humiliating, though, you know because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you.

Dan Conner: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

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Roseanne Conner: [to Fisher] If you ever come near her again, you're gonna have to deal with me and I am way more dangerous than Dan. I got a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.

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Roseanne: Jackie, we can get more boxes. I will whore myself at every grocery store in town if that's what it takes.

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Darlene: [while Dan is in jail] I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.

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Jackie Harris: This is weird. I hate going to the emergency room. It reminds me of the pussy willow. Remember the pussy willow, Roseanne?

Roseanne Conner: All I said was I wondered if it could fit up your nose. You're the one that crammed it up there.

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Darlene Conner: [grinning] Well, well, well!

Dan Conner: [groaning] Aww, man!

Darlene Conner: My, my, my, my, my!

Dan Conner: What are you doing here?

Darlene Conner: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always picture yourself on the other side of those bars.

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Chuck Mitchell: [to Dan] So what's the story, man? I heard you took out three guys in a bowling alley?

Crystal Anderson-Conner: I thought it was a poker game.

Roseanne Conner: Well Dan, according to the people at Buy-and-Bag, you went on a drunken rampage, beat up six guys and took out a pay phone.

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Dan: [Dan's in jail] I don't have time for this.

Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

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Jackie Harris: You are an amazing and wonderful person, Roseanne. I wish we could all be like you. I wish we could all be a happily married couple who each weighs 500 pounds!

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Roseanne: Well, people have been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, We are officially poor white trash. Now all we need is some little half-wit sitting in the front yard eating dirt.

D.J.: [comes into the scene] Hi!

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Roseanne Conner: [helping Jackie pack, picks up a stereo] Have you got a cord for this?

Jackie Harris: That's not mine. That's Fisher's.

Roseanne Conner: [drops the stereo] Whoops.

[picks up a vase]

Roseanne Conner: Hey, what about this? Is this yours?

Jackie Harris: That's mine!

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Fisher: [When Roseanne's carrying a TV out of Fisher's place] Um, that's mine.

Roseanne Conner: [drops the TV on the ground] God! I just hate myself for that!

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Roseanne Conner: [to Fisher] You know, I consider myself a pretty good judge of people and that's why I don't like none of 'em.

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Fisher: Roseanne, I know you're upset with me, but you gotta understand. I really hate myself for this.

Roseanne: Oh, that's good. And I really hope that you get your life together, but if you don't, I hope the next brother-in-law kills you.

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Roseanne: [to Fisher] If you think for one second that you hurting my sister doesn't have everything to do with me, Dan must have hit you harder than I thought.

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Roseanne: [to Jackie] God, you are the most gutless, pathetic thing i've ever seen.

Jackie Harris: I know you're just saying that 'cause you're worried about me.

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Roseanne: [to Jackie] You can't have a decent relationship because you're still looking for the same kind of relationship that we had as kids with Dad.

Jackie Harris: What about you? You grew up in the same house.

Roseanne: Hey, I didn't say I was healthy.

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Roseanne: [to Jackie] I left a message on your scum-sucking ex-boyfriend's machine that he better not bring his bony ass over to that apartment while we're moving you out or else i'm gonna bash his skull in. Only I said it mean.

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Darlene Conner: [to Roseanne] What's going on?

Roseanne: I'm taking Aunt Jackie to the hospital.

Darlene Conner: Fisher hit her, didn't he?

Roseanne: I'm not supposed to tell you that. Yeah, he did. And now I need you to do me a favor.

Darlene Conner: Okay.

Roseanne: Okay, we need milk.

[hands Darlene money]

Roseanne: And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?

Darlene Conner: What?

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Roseanne Conner: And now I need you to do me a favor.

Darlene Conner: Ok.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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