Dan Conner: [to Darlene] Morning. Where is everybody?
Darlene Conner: Mom went to the supermarket and Jackie's still sleeping. The doctor gave her something to knock her out.
Dan Conner: What about D.J.?
Darlene Conner: I tried, but he wouldn't swallow the pill.
Jackie Harris: It's just really humiliating, though, you know because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you.
Dan Conner: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.
Roseanne Conner: [to Fisher] If you ever come near her again, you're gonna have to deal with me and I am way more dangerous than Dan. I got a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.
Roseanne: Jackie, we can get more boxes. I will whore myself at every grocery store in town if that's what it takes.
Darlene: [while Dan is in jail] I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.
Jackie Harris: This is weird. I hate going to the emergency room. It reminds me of the pussy willow. Remember the pussy willow, Roseanne?
Roseanne Conner: All I said was I wondered if it could fit up your nose. You're the one that crammed it up there.
Darlene Conner: [grinning] Well, well, well!
Dan Conner: [groaning] Aww, man!
Darlene Conner: My, my, my, my, my!
Dan Conner: What are you doing here?
Darlene Conner: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always picture yourself on the other side of those bars.
Chuck Mitchell: [to Dan] So what's the story, man? I heard you took out three guys in a bowling alley?
Crystal Anderson-Conner: I thought it was a poker game.
Roseanne Conner: Well Dan, according to the people at Buy-and-Bag, you went on a drunken rampage, beat up six guys and took out a pay phone.
Jackie Harris: You are an amazing and wonderful person, Roseanne. I wish we could all be like you. I wish we could all be a happily married couple who each weighs 500 pounds!
Roseanne: Well, people have been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, We are officially poor white trash. Now all we need is some little half-wit sitting in the front yard eating dirt.
D.J.: [comes into the scene] Hi!
Roseanne Conner: [helping Jackie pack, picks up a stereo] Have you got a cord for this?
Jackie Harris: That's not mine. That's Fisher's.
Roseanne Conner: [drops the stereo] Whoops.
[picks up a vase]
Roseanne Conner: Hey, what about this? Is this yours?
Jackie Harris: That's mine!
Fisher: [When Roseanne's carrying a TV out of Fisher's place] Um, that's mine.
Roseanne Conner: [drops the TV on the ground] God! I just hate myself for that!
Roseanne Conner: [to Fisher] You know, I consider myself a pretty good judge of people and that's why I don't like none of 'em.
Fisher: Roseanne, I know you're upset with me, but you gotta understand. I really hate myself for this.
Roseanne: Oh, that's good. And I really hope that you get your life together, but if you don't, I hope the next brother-in-law kills you.
Roseanne: [to Fisher] If you think for one second that you hurting my sister doesn't have everything to do with me, Dan must have hit you harder than I thought.
Roseanne: [to Jackie] God, you are the most gutless, pathetic thing i've ever seen.
Jackie Harris: I know you're just saying that 'cause you're worried about me.
Roseanne: [to Jackie] You can't have a decent relationship because you're still looking for the same kind of relationship that we had as kids with Dad.
Jackie Harris: What about you? You grew up in the same house.
Roseanne: Hey, I didn't say I was healthy.
Roseanne: [to Jackie] I left a message on your scum-sucking ex-boyfriend's machine that he better not bring his bony ass over to that apartment while we're moving you out or else i'm gonna bash his skull in. Only I said it mean.
Darlene Conner: [to Roseanne] What's going on?
Roseanne: I'm taking Aunt Jackie to the hospital.
Darlene Conner: Fisher hit her, didn't he?
Roseanne: I'm not supposed to tell you that. Yeah, he did. And now I need you to do me a favor.
Darlene Conner: Okay.
Roseanne: Okay, we need milk.
[hands Darlene money]
Roseanne: And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?
Darlene Conner: What?