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"Roseanne" War and Peace (TV Episode 1993) Poster

(TV Series)

(1993)

Quotes

Jackie Harris: This is weird. I hate going to the Emergency Room, reminds me of the pussy-willow. Remember the pussy-willow, Roseanne?

Roseanne Conner: All I said was, I wondered if it could fit up your nose. You're the one that crammed it up there!

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Roseanne Conner: ... And now I need you to do me a favor.

Darlene Conner: Ok.

Roseanne Conner: Ok, um, we need milk.

[hands Darlene money]

Roseanne Conner: And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your Dad?

Darlene Conner: [long pause] What!

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Darlene Conner: [grinning] Well, well, well!

Dan Conner: [groaning] Aww, man!

Darlene Conner: My, my, my, my, my!

Dan Conner: What are you doing here?

Darlene Conner: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always picture yourself on the other side of those bars.

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Dan Conner: Morning. Where is everybody?

Darlene Conner: Oh, Mom went to the supermarket, and Jackie's still sleeping. The doctor gave her something to knock her out.

Dan Conner: What about D.J.?

Darlene Conner: I tried, but he wouldn't swallow the pill.

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Chuck Mitchell: [to Dan] So what's the story, man, I heard you took out three guys in a bowling alley?

Crystal Anderson-Conner: I thought it was a poker game.

Roseanne Conner: Well Dan, according to the people at Buy-and-Bag, you went on a drunken rampage, beat up six guys, and took out a pay-phone.

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Roseanne Conner: Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are official poor-white-trash!

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Jackie Harris: It's just really humiliating, though, you know because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you.

Dan Conner: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

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Roseanne Conner: [to Fisher] You ever come near her again, your gonna have to deal with me, and I am way more dangerous than Dan. I got a loose-meat restaurant; I *know* what to do with the body.

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Roseanne: Jackie we can get more boxes. I will whore myself at every grocery store in town if that's what it takes.

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Darlene: [Dan is in jail] I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house... Mom says we have a new Daddy now.

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Dan: [Dan's in jail] I don't have time for this.

Darlene: Oh, I think you do.

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Jackie Harris: You are an amazing and wonderful person, Roseanne, I wish we could all be like you. I wish we could all be a happily married couple, who each weighs *500 pounds*!

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Roseanne: With Dan going to jail, we are now officially white trash! Now all we need is some halfwit, sitting in the front lawn, eating dirt.

D.J.: HI!

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Roseanne Conner: [helping Jackie pack, picks up a stereo] Do you have a cord for this?

Jackie Harris: That's not mine, it's Fisher's.

Roseanne Conner: [drops it] Whoops.

[picks up a vase]

Roseanne Conner: How about this, is this yours?

Jackie Harris: That's mine!

Roseanne Conner: [puts it down] Damn!

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Fisher: [Roseanne's carrying out a TV] Uh, that's mine.

Roseanne Conner: [drops the TV] God! I just hate myself for that!

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Roseanne Conner: You know, I consider myself a pretty good judge of people, and that's why I don't like none of 'em.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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