Darlene: Please, Jackie. I was gonna run away, but I don't need Rozilla leveling Chicago trying to find me.
Jackie: [Darlene asks Jackie to tell Roseanne for her, that she wants to go away to school] Alright, I'll do it. But when you're a famous writer, I want you to dedicate your first novel to your incredibly brave Aunt Jackie, who's brutal death made this book possible.
Dan: I'm watching the TV to look for job ideas. So far, I've got it narrowed down to 'weather man', 'spokesmodel', 'Time-Life operator', 'Psychic Friend', and the one I think I've got the best shot at... 'Cast Away'.
D.J.: [comes running in with a skinned knee] It's really bad! I can see right through to the bone! Look how white it is!
Roseanne: No, that's just your skin, D.J. You need to wear shorts more often.
David Healy: [just had sex for the first time] We did it! We finally did it!
Darlene: You're not going to, like, high-five me are you?
David Healy: [about their first time] It was incredible, wasn't it?
Darlene: Well, I don't have anything to compare it to, but I think we did pretty good.
Jackie: Well, you go to a dental college, have a student work on it.
Roseanne: Yeah, but with my luck, I'll get somebody who's in on a football scholarship.
Roseanne: Whoa, Leon! The boss from Hell! You know the last time is saw you, you were stealing my tips to pay for that hair-wig.
Leon Carp: Last time I saw you, you were standing there, leaning on the counter, doing nothing but sucking up the oxygen. Woo, deja vu!
Leon Carp: [to Roseanne] No, wait a minute. Something is different here. Have you lost weight? No... you've lost teeth! Bumpkin works for you.
Jackie: [shouts] You can't go screaming at Darlene!
Roseanne: [shouts] I sure can! If I don't start screaming at her, then she won't have no idea why she's getting strangled!
Roseanne: [crying into a tissue] I'm a lousy mother, aren't I, Jackie?
Jackie: [tenderly and softly] Nooooo. You're a great mother! You're loving, and protective. You're like one of those mother lions in the nature films, that carries her babies around by the back of the neck. 'Cept sometimes ya get a little rough, and you rip their heads off.
Darlene: You know, do you ever think about my future? I don't get this. I though parents wanted their kids to be more successful than them.
Roseanne: Well, of course you're Father and I want you to do better than us. Why do you think we spent our whole lives setting such a low standard!
Darlene: This is like, the most important thing that's ever happened to me. I can't turn it down.
David Healy: Fine. You just remember, you're leaving behind the guy who encouraged you to go to art school. You're leaving behind the guy you lost your virginity to, and you're leaving him behind with your two huge, angry parents!
Dan: [about why Dan takes a job that he doesn't consider to be a 'dream job'] Hunny, when I can't afford to keep my wife in teeth, I know it's time to become an adult.
Roseanne: [about Dan's new job] A job with the City! Three hundred and fifteen sick days a year... plus Flag Day!
Dan: [Dan and Roseanne high-five] Good paying, medical insurance, and the best part is; since it's civil service, no matter how much I screw up... they can't fire me!