Leon Carp: I don't smell the co-mingled scents of sweat and Jean Naté. Can I assume that Roseanne's not in today?
Leon Carp: [to Nancy] I need someone with impeccable taste, and I can tell by that paw-print jumpsuit of yours, that you're my woman.
Dan Conner: [about the dishes] Hey. Sorry those weren't done.
Roseanne Conner: That's okay, Dan. I know there wasn't time to do the dishes *and* fall asleep in a puddle of drool.
Roseanne Conner: [about Leon at the diner] You know, he thinks he's so nifty because he turned Jackie and Nancy against me. You know, well, I broke 'em; anyone can ride 'em.
Cop #1: [Roseanne's stolen car was recovered by the police] Well, there is some good news. We were patrolling around the vicinity and found a witness who saw the guy. He decribed him as a juvenile, Caucasian, dark hair, dark eyes, resembling "Eddie Munster".
D.J. Conner: [everyone turns at once and looks at D.J] I gotta get off the phone now.
D.J. Conner: [shouts to the Cops, after Dan and Roseanne figure out that D.J. is the one who stole the car] Don't leave me alone with them!
Jackie Harris: [upset that Roseanne spanked D.J., because her Dad used to beat her and Roseanne] That has *everything* to do with it! These patterns repeat!
Dan Conner: Well then you'd better look out, because my father used to *love* to hit his sister-in-law!
Leon Carp: [Dan wants to talk about Roseanne] No. No, I don't think so.
Dan Conner: Why not? What's the matter?
Leon Carp: Well, you're a rather large man, Dan, and if we discuss your wife, I could either say nice things, or I could be honest, and get my arms torn off.
Dan Conner: I know Roseanne can be a little difficult... oh hell, she idles at difficult.
Leon Carp: [Leon offers Dan a check to buy Roseanne out and get rid of her] See! I knew it! I knew it, you are gonna hurt me!
Dan Conner: Worse. For weeks I've been telling her that she's just paranoid about you, but I'm through defending you. From now on, you fight you're battles on your own... against Roseanne.
Dan Conner: May God have mercy on your soul.
[after Roseanne spanks DJ]
Dan Conner: Look, Roseanne, what you just did in there, it's not that big a deal.
Jackie Harris: Yes, it is. You're not helping, Dan. Look, I know what you feel like. You have gotta talk about this.
Dan Conner: Hey, she doesn't need you making something out of nothing.
Jackie Harris: You didn't grow up in our house.
Dan Conner: This is different! The kid had it coming. He could've killed himself!
Jackie Harris: She was out of control. It was just like Dad!
Roseanne Conner: Why don't you both just SHUT UP and leave me alone!