Dan Conner: Oh... we've... just... gotta have *that* kid over more often. He makes our other kids... less odd.
Roseanne Conner: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to... Elijah Minelli.
Mark Healy: [Mark failed a test] You, Mrs. Conner, you always thought I was stupid!
Mark Healy: [hands her the test] Now here's your proof. Go ahead, make your jokes.
Roseanne Conner: Well, it's... really not funny now that we... know it's true. In fact, it's kinda saaad. Or at least... not as funny.
Leon Carp: No, no, no, no, no, no, no! We don't charge Mr. Mehlman, of Mehlman Restaurant Supplies. He's our "special friend".
Roseanne Conner: Oh, a "special friend", huh? Well, the food is on the house! If you're sleeping with Leon, it's a miracle you can eat at all.
Roseanne Conner: [Leon wants Jackie or Nancy to join the Lanford Women's Association] So wait! Hold on a second! What about me, you know? I can join some group of stupid, snobby, stuck-up broads and... make friends.
Roseanne Conner: [after Leon insults her] Oh, now, Leon. I may not have your vast wealth of business experience, nor your great willingness to kiss butt, but I do have something else.
Leon Carp: Really? And what might that be?
Roseanne Conner: [pinches him hard on the chest] Your nipple!
Leon Carp: [knees buckle, he cries out] Owwwwwwww!
Roseanne Conner: [to Becky, who walks in wearing her skimpy waitress outfit] So, did you make many tips tonight? Or won't you know 'til you shake out your underpants?
Becky Conner-Healy: [about Mark] Well, it like, the only time we get to spend together, is when he wakes me up when he gets home.
Roseanne Conner: [about Dan] Well, at least he's still polite enough to wake you up first.
Dan Conner: [reassuringly] Aw, come on, Mark. Roseanne's not going to kill you! Not with all the questions surrounding the death of Becky's first husband.
Becky Conner-Healy: [arguing over making Mark return to school] I can't make him go! I don't control him!
Roseanne Conner: What do you mean, you "don't control him"? You're his *wife*!
Becky Conner-Healy: Yeah, but, I still can't make him go back! He doesn't even listen to me!
Roseanne Conner: Well that's because you're not *yelling* loud enough!