Crystal Anderson-Conner: [talking about determining the sex Crystal's unborn baby] This is stupid.
Roseanne: Yeah, your right, let's do it the scientific way. Let me look at your butt.
Jackie: What are you talking about?
Roseanne: It's a scientific fact, Jackie, if it's a flat pancake butt it's a girl, and if it's a big ol' bubble butt it's a boy.
Jackie: [to Darlene] We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?
Jackie: Okay Crystal, what are we going to name this baby?
Crystal Anderson-Conner: Well, we have a tradition in our family. My grandmother was Ruby, and my mother was Amber, and I'm Crystal. So, I was thinking that, this must stop.
Becky: [to Crystal] Well, whatever you do don't give it some dorky name like "Becky".
Roseanne: What's wrong with your dorky name?
Becky: It's like a chicken noise. It's like
Becky: "Beckeee, Beck, Beck, Beck, Beckeee".
Jackie: You know, when I have a baby, I want to deliver it in a pool of warm water. I think that's the gentlest way to bring a baby it the world.
Roseanne: Yeah, and I imagine it keeps the swimmers out of the shallow end.
Dan: [after a near miss with a wrecking ball on Dan's jobsite] I'm more embarrassed than anything else. I crawl out of that thing with my pants down around my ankles, I looked up, there's thirty people standing around staring at me.
Arnie Thomas: Man, and it was really an awkward moment. No one knew what to do. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to start the applause.
Roseanne: What are you eating?
Dan: Salami and peppers.
Roseanne: What, one brush with death a day isn't enough for you?
Dan: I live on the edge. Want a bite?
[Roseanne shakes her head no]
Dan: Honey, I think we should talk about this. I mean, what would happen if we both went at the same time, like in a plane crash.
Roseanne: [chuckles] We never go anywhere, Dan. A plane would actually have to crash into the sofa.
Dan: [to Jackie] I'm on my way to work. Do you want me to give you a lift?
Jackie: No, I'm gonna get some breakfast first.
Dan: It is the most important mooch of the day.
Birth Class Instructor: [Lamaze class] I'm sure a lot of you have been thinking of questions since the last class. Anybody?
Woman: Uh, yeah, this is my first baby, and I was wondering how long it takes to push it out.
Roseanne: [chuckles] Eighteen years.
Becky: [about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain *others* in this household, considering what happened to *me* yesterday.
Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take *one shot*. Now *that* is love.