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"Roseanne" Lies My Father Told Me (TV Episode 1994) Poster

(TV Series)

(1994)

Quotes

Darlene Conner: [DJ is watching TV; comes up from behind to bother him] Hey, DJ, haven't seen you since I got home.

D.J. Conner: Shut up.

Darlene Conner: Oh. Nice to see you too. School's going really well.

D.J. Conner: Shut up.

Darlene Conner: Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh, unfortunately I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing "lalalalalalalala!"

D.J. Conner: I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!

Darlene Conner: Not if I kill you first.

Roseanne Conner: Oh, you kids. If I had a corpse for every time one of you said that.

D.J. Conner: She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! SHUT - UP!

Darlene Conner: How ironic. Grandma's strapped to a bed in the looney bin yet DJ walks free.

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David Healy: Darlene, I was reading if your grandmother is insane, there's a 1 in 3 chance you might be too. There's a test in here to find out. Question 1, do you put your shoes on one at a time or both at once?

Darlene Conner: Both at once.

David Healy: That was easy. What color is a dog barking?

Darlene Conner: Bright green.

David Healy: Green, bright green, that's good. Triangle, boat, or hat?

D.J. Conner: Triangle?

Darlene Conner: Boat.

David Healy: Right, so far so good.

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Darlene Conner: Only in our family can someone be nutcase for twenty years without anyone noticing.

Roseanne Conner: We notice, Darlene, we're just ignoring you.

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Jackie Harris: [Roseanne learns something about Dan's family that he kept hidden] Well, maybe he was ashamed.

Roseanne Conner: Ashamed? He's been married to me for twenty-one years, you'd think he would be numb to shame by now.

Jackie Harris: I don't know, Roseanne, it is kinda bad. I mean, think about it... his Mom beat our Mom to the loony-bin.

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Bev Harris: Ek-gads, imagine, a child loving his mother. I hope you can *snap* him out of it, Roseanne.

Roseanne Conner: This is not about Dan loving his Mother. Okay, you can still love your mother even though you know that she is a crazy old *shrew*.

Bev Harris: Don't think that I can't read between *those* lines, Roseanne.

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Roseanne Conner: I thought it was a good crazy though. Like remember that time that we were all getting ready to go out for ice cream, and she came in with ice cream and they were the exactly flavors we were going to order? I thought she was psychic or something.

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Darlene Conner: [Dan's mom has been admitted to a mental institution and Dan has walked out on a conversation with Roseanne] Hey, mom, you know, he probably just doesn't feel comfortable talking to you because your mother never went insane. Don't worry. I'll talk to him.

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Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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