Roseanne Conner: [grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind Jackie] Remember me, Jackie?
Jackie Harris: [look of terror] Not Mrs. Butterworth... please not Mrs. Butterworth.
Roseanne Conner: Remember how your sister Roseanne told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss!
Roseanne Conner: [to Jerry Garcia] I hope I see you later, I mean, a *lot* later.
Roseanne Conner: [to the ouija board] When am I going to have my baby?
Roseanne Conner: N...
Jackie Harris: November!
Roseanne Conner: O... W...
Jackie Harris: Nowvember, you're having it in Nowvember.
Roseanne Conner: No Jackie... I'm having it, now!
Roseanne Conner: [after the birth] I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?
Dan Conner: No more than usual.
Roseanne Conner: [about a kid dressed as a lawyer] That's the scariest costume all night.
David Healy: [going through the candy bowl] This is all sugar in here.
Roseanne Conner: Not true, there're chemicals too.
Dan Conner: [during a seance, gets up and starts singing] Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell.
Roseanne Conner: Oh it's Elvis! Elvis, Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson.
[Dan hits himself in the head with a frying pan]
David Healy: You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need.
[gets fruit from the kitchen]
Roseanne Conner: What the hell is that?
Dan Conner: Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.
Roseanne Conner: That's unsanitary.
Roseanne Conner: What is a refrigerator, a pool side dressing room, and Ed McMahon?
Ed McMahon: A refrigerator, a pool side dressing room, and Ed McMahon.
Roseanne Conner: What is an Amana, a cabana, and a famous second banana?
Trick or Treater: [to the Connors] You are nice nice nice. Thanks, Happy Halloween!
Roseanne Conner: I wish I had a daughter like her.
Dan Conner: Just wasn't in the cards, hon.
Jerry Garcia: I have a message for you.
Roseanne Conner: From God?
Jerry Garcia: No, from me.
Roseanne Conner: Oh, well, that's okay too.
Jerry Garcia: The message is what we need is magic, and bliss, and myth, and celebration, and religion. We need spiritual connection to each other.
Roseanne Conner: Well, that's great, thanks, Jerry.