Roseanne: [in bed for the night] Would you stop hogging all these blankets?
Dan: [imitating his Father's ramblings] Blankets? Let me tell you a little somethin' about blankets. I came *this* close to inventing the blanket in 1969. It was right after Woodstock, and a guy from, that guy named Navajo Joe, walks to me and says, "I already invented the blanket", so I... he took it away from me. 1969, that was a great year, wasn't it? Woodstock. Who was on the mound that year? Fergie Jenkins. Boy what a set of choppers he had, you talk about teeth, but he went plum idgit on me, and he went and, ah, sunk all his money into, ah, into whatcha call it... hairdryer stock, and tried to invent a five speed ah, photon mix ah hairdryer, and he lost all his dough, see, and, ah, then he couldn't do nuttin about it, so ahhh, so I ups to him and says, "Fergie, what the heck do you know about hairdryers, anyway?", so he goes, "Well it gets windy in Chicago.", I says "Chicago! Chicago, yeah, I was almost in the band Chicago". I used to mix their soundtracks for 'em. But I couldn't quite get it, see.
Roseanne: [chuckling] Good night, "Ed".
Dan: Night? Night? What the hell do you know about "night"? I was almost on "The Edge of Night" one time, 'xcept I got my foot cut off in Vietnam, you see, and I couldn't... couldn't quite make it to the audition. And the cab driver didn't speak English see, so he didn't know what the heck he was doin'...
Roseanne: [laughing hysterically] Shut up!
Dan: I was shut up in a cave one time, Myramac Caverns...
Ed Conner: [to Roseanne after giving the kids their gifts] Yours is in the mail.
Roseanne: Oh Ed, you know you don't have to bring us anything. As soon as you leave, we take *their* stuff.
Roseanne: [Darlene plays with toy hand-cuffs] You know Darlene, I've got a feeling you're gonna have an even nicer pair of those some day.
Ed Conner: [after an argument with his son, Dan] I guess I really messed things up this time, huh Rosie.
Roseanne: Yeah, Ed... it's all over your shoes.
Ed Conner: [in the garage] What are you guys doin'?
Roseanne: Me and D.J.'s trapping ants for his ant condo.
D.J. Conner: We put jelly on the bread, Grandpa.
Roseanne: Yeah, and when the ants come out, we smash them over the head with a two-by-four. Same way I caught Dan.
Ed Conner: [about sons] Yeah, they're too precious, you know. I don't know about mothers and sons, but with fathers and sons huuugh. A Father looks at his son, and he sees every mistake he ever made, you know. And he just, and he just wants to put him on some kind of path, where he won't make those same mistakes.
Roseanne: [trying to talk] Yeah, but Ed he...
Ed Conner: [cutting her off] No, a father and a son, I mean, you see what woulda, what coulda, what shoulda been.
Roseanne: [cutting him off] Ed. Ed! When you're on the phone, do you ever use the *top* half?