Roseanne: Hey, take my word for it. By midnight tonight, the taxes will be filed, and all this will be behind us; the tension, the anxiety, the *fraud*.
Dan: Stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, hired by stupid people.
Roseanne: Who were elected by even stupider people.
Roseanne: [working on the taxes for Dan] So, what, you're, you're at line twelve, business income... We just tell them it's none of *their* business.
Roseanne: Now look, your Dad and I made enough money last year to live very, very, well... for six months... and then we juggled.
Jackie: I have been dreading this for weeks. You know how crummy my math is.
Roseanne: Well, no sweat, D.J. will be home by three.
Roseanne: Let's just go down to the I.R.S., and ask them in person.
Dan: No, no, I can't, no way, no way. I can't go down to that building, it gives me the creeps. I just know... I'm gonna take one of those snotty little I.R.S. guys, and throw him through a window.
Dan: [to Roseanne at the I.R.S. office] Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?
IRS Office Supervisor: You know, if more people would take to time to read these simple instructions, they wouldn't have to come down here and ask stupid questions, and then maybe these lines wouldn't be so long. So long!
Roseanne: Hey. Hey. Hey, listen, you pencil-pushing geek. I really didn't come down here stand in line all day, to put up with your condescending, snotty, little attitude, you know. I mean, I'm sure it is a pain in your butt to answer our unimportant little questions, but that is your job, isn't it, and you are paid with our tax money.
Dan: Okay hunny, come on.
Roseanne: No! Dan. Uh, this stuff is impossible to understand! These laws and explaination of laws; no human being can really understand these things, you know! That's why you gotta go get some $200-an-hour lawyer to even explain the crap to you, you know, and I can't afford $200-an-hour!
Ed - IRS Office Clerk: [shouts] Hey, lady! We don't write the stinkin' laws! You got a complaint, talk to the idiots in Washington!
Roseanne: I mean, us people, the poor people, and us regular people, we're paying more taxes than the rich people, 'cause they got all the lawyers to figure out the loopholes! I wanna find loopholes!
[crowd cheers in agreement]
Dan: [Dan is backing Roseanne out of line, and towards the door. He talks to the crowd while Roseanne argues with the supervisor] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.
Roseanne: I mean, we give you our money, and you like, totally mismanage it worse than we ever could anyhow! I mean, the government is something like three trillion dollars in debt, I mean. I think I saw that on Donahue. It's like three tril... that would be like if you make $15,000 a year, okay, so you run up your Master Charge to, what, fifty grand, then can you even imagine, your monthly bill would be like $5,000 a month? I mean, it's insane. The whole thing is insane! I mean, someday us regular people, we ought to get smart, you know, and audit them!
IRS Office Supervisor: I'm sorry Ma'am. Uh, I didn't get your name.
Dan: [smiling] You don't need her name.
Roseanne: [Roseanne makes her way back up to the window] No, Dan... I'm... I'm not gonna... be intimidated by that little weasel.
Dan: Hunny, this isn't the unemployment office.
Roseanne: [walking through the line] No, no. I have nothing to hide. Excuse me, Rabbi.
[standing at the window, to the IRS Supervisor]
Roseanne: I am not afraid to tell you my name... It's Wagner!
[crowd applauds as she starts to leave, Dan whispers 'Mrs. Norris T' to Roseanne]
Roseanne: Mrs. Norris T. Wagner!
John Goodman: Hi. I'm John Goodman, thank you. What you've just seen was a play. A silly little play, chalked full of jokes, and just for fun. Just for your entertainment. I personally have nothing but the utmost respect for the Internal Revenue Service, and all of it's dedicated workers. Because, you know, it's the great guys and gals at the I.R.S. that keep America rolling. See, it... it's like this; I got a contract, with a production company, and they hire writers who put words in my mouth. For example, early in the show, I go, uh, it was my "job" to say... it was, uh... "it's a stupid system, run by stupid people". Right, like I believe that! As a matter of fact, I, I don't believe anything I said on the show. It was my job... as an actor... So, I beg you, please do not confuse hard working, responsible, *tax-paying*, John Goodman... with that lovable, but, naughty scamp, Dan Conner. So, to the men and women at the IRS, my hat's off to ya. Good night! God bless.