Jim Rockford: This is Jim Rockford. At the tone leave your name and message, I'll get back to you.
Shirley: [Beeep] It's Shirley at the Plant and Pot. There's no easy way to tell you this Jim. We did everything we could... Your fern died...
Jim Rockford: Dad, who turned you on to this scheme?
Joseph 'Rocky' Rockford #2: Harry Schreau down at the Gear Tavern. He's the one always buying drinks for the house.
Jim Rockford: Dad, isn't Harry also the one who lost five hundred bucks on an astrology chain letter?
Gerald A. O'Malley: [Jim calls Mr. O'Malley - a slightly paranoid survivalist with a bomb shelter out back of his property. Jim calls him, pretending there's about to be a nuclear attack, in order to get Mr. O'Malley safe, by having him get into his shelter] Hello?
Jim Rockford: [Usiing a southern drawl] Mr. Gerald A. O'Malley?
Gerald A. O'Malley: Yeah?
Jim Rockford: Yeah, this is Roger Martel, sir. Kern County civil defense.
Gerald A. O'Malley: [Happy and eager to do his part'] Yes sir! What can I do for you?
Jim Rockford: Government agencies have informed us that the Che Guevera unit of the ALF is planning to detonate eight jerry-rigged nuclear devices in Bakersfield, unless some federal prisoners are released by daybreak this morning.
Gerald A. O'Malley: Now, wait a minute. What's the yield, man? What's the yield? Am I in the kill radius?
Jim Rockford: We are not sure what the yield is, but you're correct in your assumption. You are in the kill radius.
Gerald A. O'Malley: Well, you're very calm about it! I've written you people letter after letter about this kind of thing, and you've ignored it! Now - now you're, you're certain that she's going to blow?
Jim Rockford: Just in case, sir, my advice would be to proceed immediately, and I repeat, immediately, to your bomb shelter. We've already had some leaks on this, and as your neighbors may come seeking protection from you, and no doubt they would be armed and desperate...
Gerald A. O'Malley: Oh, shut up! I've got 1 million things to do here!
[O'Malley slams down phone]