Johnny Gavin: Are you outta your mind, huh? Did mom know?
Tommy's Dad: If your mother knew we wouldn't be having this conversation because I'd be dead somewhere in some river with my balls in my mouth.
Tommy's Dad: "Did mom know?"
Tommy Gavin: You know the guy's almost the same age as me, right? He's like a couple weeks younger. I mean how long were you seein' this broad?
Tommy's Dad: Uh... oh, about 36 years.
Johnny Gavin: What? You were having an affair for 36 years?
Tommy's Dad: What can I tell you? When it comes to adultry I'm a one woman man.
Tommy's Dad: [about the woman he had an affair with] She had an ass that you can see the future in.
Tommy Gavin: That's great. You didn't happen to stick your head up far enough to see that the Yankees were gonna lose four in a row to the Red Sox last fall, now did ya?
[John Sr. is quiet]
Tommy Gavin: I didn't think so.
Tommy's Dad: I woulda made a hell of a lotta money if I did.
Sean Garrity: So you're over the fat chick?
Mike Silletti: Totally.
Sean Garrity: Yeah? So what's with the new girl, what's her name?
Mike Silletti: Allison.
Sean Garrity: Can I tell you something bro, concerning Allison? She's gigantic.
Mike Silletti: She's tall.
Sean Garrity: No. Shaq is tall. Ok? Yo Yo Ming is tall.
Franco Rivera: Yao Ming.
Sean Garrity: Yo.
Franco Rivera: Yao.
Sean Garrity: No, I was just-I was just saying hi. Your chick is gigantic.
Franco Rivera: Oh, he's back with the fat chick?
Sean Garrity: No, he's dating a vet, now.
Franco Rivera: What war?
Sean Garrity: No. Vet, like cats and dogs.
Franco Rivera: And she's fat?
Mike Silletti: Tall.
Franco Rivera: Oh, how tall are we talkin?
Mike Silletti: Like, not that tall, like 6'2" 6'3" and a half?
Franco Rivera: So what, are you only doing Guiness book chicks now, is that it Probie? Fattest and tallest, I mean, what's next, a chick with three tits?
Sean Garrity: Oh, that'd be great wouldn't it? You know I dated a chick with three nipples, one time? Well, I thought it was a nipple, it turned out to be a boil... Long Pause... Anyway, an extra tit would be great.
Don Kleinman: Ok, we have a hand up. You think you're prejudice.
Tommy Gavin: Yup.
Don Kleinman: Against who?
Tommy Gavin: Well let's see, uh, Chevy Neons that cost 12 Grand to buy but have $8,000 paint jobs and 9 spics inside them smokin' weed, that's one thing.
Don Kleinman: Ok, now listen, the term "spic"...
Franco Rivera: It's Ok, I'm a spic.
Tommy Gavin: Crazy chink broads who don't know how to drive in the first place and now they have cell phones stuck to their ears while they're doing 65 MPH down 6th avenue, huh? Right? And the crazy chinks on bikes with 10 pounds of chinese food strapped to the handlebars...
Don Kleinman: Ok, see, now the word "chink" is what I like to call a problem word.
Sean Garrity: ...raises his hand... Yeah, uh, if I were a chink I'd rather be called a chink then a gook.
Don Kleinman: Ok, now hold on. Listen to me please. Chinese people would not like to be called gook or chink or pan face or zipper-head or...
Franco Rivera: See? That's another thing-Puerto Ricans, we even get shafted when it comes to racism. Chinks get like what, 4 ethnic slurs? We get one-spic, that's it. The Irish, they got: Mick, Paddy, Donkey. The Italians, they got: Guinea, WOP, Deigo...
Sean Garrity: ...raises his hand... Yeah, uh, Sphagetti Bender...
Franco Rivera: Ehhh, Sphagetti Bender went out of style during Sinatra's first marriage.
Mike Silletti: ...raises his hand... Greaseball?
Franco Rivera: Yeah, greaseball. There ya have it. That's four.
Tommy Gavin: That's right, you know, same thing with the Jews, right? Heeb, Kike, Jew-Boy, Benny...
Franco Rivera: Shiloch
Tommy Gavin: That's five.
Franco Rivera: Yeah, black people, forget about it. Spear-Chucker, Jungle Bunny, Raisin Head, Porch Monkey, Spook
Tommy Gavin: Shyne
Sean Garrity: Tar-Baby
Franco Rivera: It's endless, totally unfair.
Tommy Gavin: Yeah
Don Kleinman: ...all turn and look to the front at Don who is looking in complete disbelief...
Franco Rivera: What?
Johnny Gavin: Before you do anything - and not that I would know what that anything would be - you gotta do somethin' completely foreign now, Tommy; you gotta think. We just found out that our father had been banging some strange broad for 30-plus years. And now, now we got a priest brother, and a former DQ employee for a sister, both floatin' around this city somewhere. And now, our old man, our father, is living on Park Avenue, bangin' Yoko Ono's grandmother! Not to mention the whole you-knocking-up-our-dead-cousin's-wife thing! This is our family in a nutshell. Do you really wanna bring your kids back into this?