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"Red Dwarf" White Hole (TV Episode 1991) Poster

(TV Series)

(1991)

Quotes

Toaster: Howdy doodly do. How's it going? I'm Talkie, Talkie Toaster, your chirpy breakfast companion. Talkie's the name, toasting's the game. Anyone like any toast?

Lister: Look, I don't want any toast, and he doesn't want any toast. In fact, no one around here wants any toast. Not now, not ever. No toast.

Toaster: How 'bout a muffin?

Lister: Or muffins. Or muffins. We don't like muffins around here. We want no muffins, no toast, no teacakes, no buns, baps, baguettes or bagels, no croissants, no crumpets, no pancakes, no potato cakes and no hot-cross buns and definitely no smegging flapjacks.

Toaster: Aah, so you're a waffle man.

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The Cat: So, what is it?

Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.

Rimmer: A *white* hole?

Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.

Lister: So, that thing's spewing time...

Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat] ... back into the Universe?

Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.

The Cat: So, what is it?

Kryten: I've never seen one before - no one has - but I'm guessing it's a white hole.

Rimmer: A *white* hole?

Kryten: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. A black hole sucks time and matter out of the Universe; a white hole returns it.

Lister: [minus the hat] So, that thing's spewing time...

Lister: [donning his fur-lined hat, again] ... back into the Universe?

Kryten: Precisely. That's why we're experiencing these curious time phenomena on board.

Lister: What time phenomena?

Kryten: Like just then, when time repeated itself.

The Cat: So, what is it?

[Kryten, Rimmer, and Lister stare at Cat]

The Cat: Only joking.

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Kryten: I beg you to reconsider, Sir. Human history is resplendent with examples of such sacrifice. Remember Captain Oates: "I'm going out for a walk. I may be some time."

Rimmer: Yes, but the thing is, about Captain Oates; the thing you have to remember about Captain Oates; Captain Oates... Captain Oates was a prat. If that'd been me, I'd've stayed in the tent, whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him.

Lister: You would too, wouldn't you?

Rimmer: History, Lister, is written by the winners. How do we know that Oates went out for this legendary walk? From the only surviving document: Scott's diary. And he's hardly likely to have written down, "February the First, bludgeoned Oates to death while he slept, then scoffed him along with the last packet of instant mash." How's that going to look when he gets rescued, eh? No, much better to say, "Oates made the supreme sacrifice," while you're dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread.

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Kryten: But there are 53 doors from here to the science deck. How on Earth are we going to get through?

The Cat: Hey! I got it! We laser our way through!

Kryten: Ah, an excellent plan, sir, with only two minor drawbacks. One, we don't have a power source for the lasers; and two, we don't have any lasers.

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Rimmer: Well, if you ask me, the Eskimos had the right idea. They knew how to handle the elderly and the permanently baffled. Middle of the night, they'd take them out into the blizzard, remove their pyjamas, and just leave them to it.

Kryten: And that's how the Eskimos cared for their old people?

Rimmer: Absolutely. That's why there's no Eskimo word for "Eastbourne."

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Kryten: Mr. Rimmer would be effectively... dead

The Cat: Hey, things are looking up already.

Rimmer: Forget it... whatever it is you're suggesting... forget it.

Kryten: But the entire ship is running on emergency battery power only. With the oxygen recycler and minimal heating a lighting, I estimate that Lister and The Cat have approximately two months left, without your drain on the power they might last six. I'm sorry sir.

Rimmer: Sorry? Why are you sorry?

Kryten: Well the Space Corp directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation a hologramatic crewmember must lay down his life in order that the living crewmembers might survive.

Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly: No chance you metal bastard.

The Cat: Come on man you've gotta sacrific your life, I'm not asking you to do anything I wouldn't do.

Rimmer: You? You'd sacrific your life for the good of the crew?

The Cat: No, I'd sacrific *your* life for the good of the crew.

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Rimmer: Congratulations, Kryten, your vote has just killed everyone.

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Holly: [her IQ has been increased to 12,000] Strike a light! I'm a genius again! I know everything! Metaphysics, philosophy, the purpose of being-everything! Ask me a question, any question, and I'll answer it.

Talkie Toaster: Any question?

Holly: Yes.

Talkie Toaster: How to break the speed of light? How to marry quantum mechanics and classical physics? Any question at all, truly anything and you will answer?

Holly: Yes.

Talkie Toaster: OK, here's my question: Would you like some toast?

Holly: No, thank you. Now ask me another.

Talkie Toaster: Do you know anything about the use of chaos theory in predicting weather cycles?

Holly: I know everything there is to know about chaos theory and predicting weather cycles.

Talkie Toaster: Oh, very well. Here's my second question: Would you like a crumpet?

Holly: I'm a computer with an I.Q. of 12,000. You don't seem to understand; I know the meaning of the universe.

Talkie Toaster: That's not answering my question.

Holly: [irritated] No, I would not like a crumpet! Now ask me a sensible question, preferably one that isn't bread related.

Talkie Toaster: Very well. I have a third question. A sensible question. A question that will tax your new I.Q. to its very limits and stretch the sinews of you knowledge to bursting point.

Holly: This is going to be about waffles, isn't it?

Talkie Toaster: Certainly not. And I resent the implication that I'm a one-dimensional, bread-obsessed electrical appliance.

Holly: I apologise, toaster. What's the question?

Talkie Toaster: The question is this: Given that God is infinite, and that the universe is also infinite... would you like a toasted teacake?

Holly: That's another bready question.

Talkie Toaster: It's not just bready. It's quite curranty, too.

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Talkie Toaster: [Holly is shutting herself off] Wait, before you go, there is one question, an important one, the others will have to know!

Holly: [alarmed] What? What?

Talkie Toaster: Would you like a cheese and ham Breville?

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[the gang have just destroyed a White Hole, thus canceling out the events of the episode - their reality is disappearing around them]

Kryten: We'll cease to be here, because none of this is ever to have happened. But we will exist back on Red Dwarf with no memory of these events, which of course never happened. And as these events never happened, we'll have no memory of them.

[turns to Rimmer]

Kryten: In which case, Mr Rimmer, sir, I should like to take this opportunity to say that you are *the* most obnoxious, trumped-up, *farty* little smeghead that has ever been my misfortune to encounter!

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Kryten: His memory circuits were quite badly damaged in the accident.

Talkie Toaster: That wasn't an accident! It was first degree toastercide!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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