- Rimmer: If there's one thing I can't stand... it's crazy people.
- Lister: Well, we've passed the test, Rimmer. You can let us out.
- Rimmer: I can't let you out.
- Lister: Why not?
- Rimmer: Because the king of the potato people won't let me. I begged him. I got down on my knees and wept. He wants to keep you here... keep you here for 10 years.
- The Cat: Could we see him?
- Rimmer: See who?
- The Cat: The king.
- Rimmer: Do you have a magic carpet?
- Lister: Yeah. A little three-seater.
- Rimmer: So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet, to see the king of the potato people... and plead with him for your freedom, and you're telling me you're completely sane?
- Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom: [over the radio] I have a riddle for you. What's dead and dead and dead all over?
- Rimmer: Give in, Doctor Fruit Loop. Do tell me.
- Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom: Yooooooooouuuuuuu!
- [the radio blows up]
- Rimmer: Well, we know what to get you for Christmas, a double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wallpaper.
- Lister: I'm just saying there's 79 more days to go.
- Kryten: And if you still want to be alive when there's only 78 more days to go, I suggest you do not blow your nose.
- Lister: Do you mind if I ask why?
- Kryten: Well, let's forego the noise and the revolting burbling sound and go straight to the really gross part when you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose, have to open up the handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why? What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape, perhaps? The face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearean sonnet?
- [Rimmer has put the guys in a small room for three months quarantine]
- Kryten: What about entertainment? You are obliged to provide us with minimum leisure facilities. Games, literature, hobby activities, motion pictures.
- Rimmer: [With great smugness] And in accordance with Space Corps directive 312, you'll find in the storage cupboard over there a chess set with thirty-one missing pieces, a knitting magazine with a pull-out special on crocheted hats, a puzzle magazine with all the crosswords completed and a video of the excellent cinematic treat, "Wall-papering, Painting, and Stippling - a DIY guide".
- Lister: [Exploring a crashed starship Lister cleans a dirty sign revealing "Viral Research Dept."] Oh brutal!
- Kryten: [Lister cleans off more dust from the sign, revealing "Most Gross Danger!" and "Bio-suits must be worn at all times!" A triangular warning symbol shows a man vomiting while his abdomen explodes. Lister and Cat panic, covering their mouths with handkerchiefs] There is no need for alarm, sir. If there were any dangerous viral strains in the atmosphere, the Psi-scan would have picked them up by now...
- Kryten: [Looks at the device, waits, hits it on the side and then shakes it] It's never done that before...
- Kryten: [Turns his back to Lister and Cat and continues shaking and hitting the device] Stupid cheap damn stupid Martian power packs.
- [Throws a dead battery over his shoulder and inserts a new one]
- The Cat: [Still panicking] So what's the news?
- Kryten: Well, if I could just beg your indulgence for a few seconds more, sir, the old 345 takes a little time to warm up.
- [He shakes it some more]
- Kryten: Still, it out-performs the 346 in eight out of nine bench tests. A small wonder, then, that it secured "Psi-scan of the Year, Best Budget Model" three years running. Ah. Now here are the results. Yep. And we're going to... live.
- Lister: [sighing] We're a real Mickey Mouse operation aren't we?
- The Cat: Mickey Mouse? We ain't even Betty Boop!
- [Rimmer has sealed the rest of the crew in quarantine for 3 months and is taking great delight in psychologically torturing them by providing only minimal leisure facilities]
- Rimmer: Now must dasherooni. I've got to go and prepare your daily musical entertainment. I think you'll like it. It's a perpetually looped tape of "Reggie Dixon's Tango Treats".
- Rimmer: They've been naughty boys, haven't they, Mr. Flibble?
- Rimmer: [as Mr. Flibble, his penguin glove puppet] Yes.
- Rimmer: [as himself] What happens to naughty boys who've been naughty, Mr. Flibble?
- Rimmer: [as Mr. Flibble] Uncle Arnie fries them alive with his hex-vision.
- Rimmer: [as himself] That's right, Mr. Flibble.
- [Rimmer's eyes glow red and they zap lightning bolts at Lister, Cat and Kryten]
- Kryten: [starts malfunctioning after being hit with an axe, staggers around making funny noises] Two and one half badgers, please!
- [bangs his head against a wall]
- Kryten: No, I'll eat them here. Whaat! Ding ling!
- [makes more funny noises and then bangs his head twice against a wall]
- Kryten: Ahh. That's better, maybe now I can WIN SELF-DETERMINATION FOR THE SOUTH MOLDAVIAN PEOPLE!
- [makes more funny noises and bangs his head against the wall three more times]
- Kryten: Ah, I think I'm OK now.
- Rimmer: [from outside the quarantine suite] Gentleman. Your conversation makes interesting listening.
- [the others look at the viewing window but it's dark and they can't see anyone]
- Lister: Rimmer, is that you?
- Rimmer: Oh, yes.
- Lister: How long have you been listening?
- Rimmer: Two, maybe three hours.
- Lister: Well, no one's got any disease, man.
- The Cat: We're clean.
- Kryten: You have to re-screen us, sir, as per directive 699.
- Lister: No one's got any virus and no one's smegging nuts!
- [a light comes on to reveal Rimmer, wearing a big red and white checked gingham frock and pigtails. He looks like a pantomime dame]
- Rimmer: Well, that's good.
- Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom: [over the radio] Hello, my name is Dr. Hildegard Lanstrom, and I am quite, quite mad.
- Rimmer: Are you really, how absolutely splendid!
- Rimmer: Wait a minute, I am in charge of security and surveillance aboard this vessel. I, mister Kryten, am the one who says "Launch scouter".
- Kryten: I'm sorry sir, I didn't mean to steal your thunder.
- Rimmer: Launch scouter.
- [Cat and Lister ignore him]
- Rimmer: Launch... scouter.
- [silence again]
- Rimmer: ...I'll be in the stern, correlating the er... in the stern.
- [leaves]
- Rimmer: This vessel, gentlemen, and khazi-droids - the crimson short one up there - can only sustain one hologram. Or had you forgotten?
- [they look at him in silence]
- Rimmer: You hadn't forgotten?
- Lister: Look, we'll work out something out, some kind of timeshare thing.
- Rimmer: What do you think I am, a holiday villa in the Algarve?
- Rimmer: Welcome to quarantine, lads. I hope the next 84 days pass as swiftly and as pleasantly as the Hundred Years War.
- Kryten: [the Cat, Kryten and Lister have entered Quarantine] Twelve weeks, I have a deep, dark sense of foreboding about this.
- Lister: Oh, come on, we'll get through it.
- Kryten: This is single quarters! One chair, one bed, one shower!
- Lister: We'll manage!
- Kryten: Sir, it is a scientific fact that the human male needs to spend time by himself.
- Lister: Is it?
- Kryten: Most of the popular pastimes have always been ones males can enjoy alone. Angling, Golf and of course the all-time number one.
- The Cat: It's not just humans. Look what happens when two male tigers are locked up together. One of them ends up on the other guy's toothpick!
- Kryten: Lions, tigers, scorpions, rats, even vultures when they're in captivity.
- Lister: What are you saying to me, vultures need personal space? They need time alone to put their feet up and read What Carcass magazine?
- Kryten: Sir, I think you're downplaying the gravity of the situation.
- Lister: Look, what difference does it make? We hang together most of the time, anyway.
- The Cat: Yeah. But we all knew we could stroll out the door at any time. Not now, though.
- Lister: Anything?
- Kryten: Quite extraordinary. Langstrom postulated that there were two kinds of viruses, positive and negative, the negative we already know about.
- Lister: Yeah, like flu, rabies, that kind of stuff.
- Kryten: But she also believed there were positive viral strains designed to make human beings feel better.
- Cat: Such as?
- Kryten: At a very basic level she predicted a kind of reverse flu, a viral strain which promotes an unaccountable feeling of well-being and happiness.
- Lister: That's happened to me, my life's been turned to complete and utter crud, and I've woken up in the morning feeling good for no apparent reason.
- Kryten: The chances are, sir, that on those occasions you had unwittingly contracted Langstrom's virus. According to her notes 20th century DJs suffered from it all the time.
- Cat: So what's in the tubes?
- Kryten: Langstrom claims to have isolated several strains of positive virus; inspiration, charisma, sexual magnetism.
- Cat: Sexual magnetism's a virus? Then get me to a hospital, I'm a terminal case!