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"Queer as Folk" The Art of Desperation (TV Episode 2001) Poster

Quotes

Michael: [looking at the drawing of Brian] I think the artist has taken some liberties.

Brian: Well, it's a perfect likeness.

Michael: Come on, it was never that big.

Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.

Michael: I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours.

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Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett meets David for the first time.] Oh my God. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McConaughey. Maybe he smokes pot, naked.

[to David]

Emmett Honeycutt: Excuse me!

Dr. David Cameron: [laughs] He doesn't hold anything back.

Michael: He was toning it down for you.

Brian: [sits on Michael's lap] Where the fuck have you been?

Michael: Brian, this is David.

Brian: Oh, fuck me, the new beau!

Dr. David Cameron: I've heard a lot about you.

Brian: I've heard a lot about you too. Sixteen right, eleven left?

Dr. David Cameron: Excuse me?

Michael: Nothing.

[to Brian]

Michael: You're tweaked, what are you on?

Brian: Oh, E, K, G.H.B. Most of the letters on "Sesame Street".

Michael: You'll get dehydrated, taking all that shit. I'm gonna get you some water.

[to David]

Michael: You want a beer?

Dr. David Cameron: Sure.

[Michael leaves]

Dr. David Cameron: You've got him well trained.

Brian: Well, he takes care of me, and I take care of him. So, Doc, do you fuck all of your patients?

Dr. David Cameron: Well, if you're referring to Michael I released him from my care, before we went out together. What about you? What do you do?

Brian: Advertising.

Dr. David Cameron: Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.

Brian: Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.

Dr. David Cameron: I bet you could.

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Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [looking at the boys] "The Brian And Michael Show", blah blah blah. Stuck in perpetual reruns.

Dr. David Cameron: Was it always like that? Michael running after him?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: It's the greatest love story never told, trust me. What was your name?

Dr. David Cameron: David.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Melanie. Trust me, David, long after you're gone, he'll still have Michael. Brian's little acolyte, poor guy. But don't worry, Michael can wait forever; Brian will never fuck him. Pardon my French.

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Dr. David Cameron: So I suppose I just keep him company while Michael waits.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh. Oh... Oh, shit! Oh... You're with Michael?

Dr. David Cameron: [nodding] Yeah.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Ehm... Oh, Jesus, I, I... I'm sorry. I... I... I didn't mean that, I... I mean... Well I... I mean, Brian's the one that's always showing up with some new guy, so I just assumed that, uhm...

Dr. David Cameron: Don't worry about it.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Well, you know, they... they're... They love each other as friends, but that's it. That's really, that's all it is.

Dr. David Cameron: Really? It's not like I didn't know.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Do you... want a shrimp ball?

Dr. David Cameron: No... thanks.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Fuck.

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[last lines]

Dr. David Cameron: Who are you thinking about?

Michael: What?

Dr. David Cameron: When you close your eyes, who are you thinking about?

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[first lines]

Michael: [narrating voice over] Okay, so I'm a gay man with a superhero fetish. Yes, we're out there. And, no, it doesn't have anything to do with immaturity. I think we gay boys learn important lessons from comic books. One, there are a lot of villains out there, so you better develop some secret powers. Two, if you have a good body, you can wear tight clothes. And, three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo.

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Michael: I totally blew it.

Brian: Don't worry, there's still plenty of creepy, old man out there who'd love to get in your pants.

Michael: He wasn't that old. He wasn't creepy; he was nice. First doctor...

Brian: Chiropractor.

Michael: That counts. I think.

[they are interrupted by the owner of the comic bookstore.]

Comic Store Worker: Ah... We got in the new "Catwoman".

Michael: Cool!

[the guy walks away after showing Michael the comic book.]

Michael: He takes me this really nice restaurant, I behave like a fucking idiot, dressed up like some slick asshole.

Brian: Hey! That was my twelve hundred dollar leather jacket.

Michael: It wasn't me. You know why, Because I'm nobody. That's my problem.

[Brian is checking out the owner of the shop.]

Michael: Are you even listening to me?

Brian: I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that, would we?

Michael: Just forget I said anything. Oh, wow! Look, it's the new Eletra Woman doll. I'm gonna buy this for Gus.

Brian: Don't. I don't want a gay kid.

Michael: He's being raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence. Besides, it'll be a collector's item.

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Justin Taylor: Does your Mom know you're out, buying jewelry?

Daphne Chanders: No. She's totally cool with everything, only she's pretending to be because she's scared I'll run away and become a hairdresser.

Justin Taylor: I hate you. My Mom's such a bitch and I haven't even given her a reason yet.

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Justin Taylor: [Justin sees Melanie and Lindsay from across the street. To Daphne] Look! That's them. Brian's lesbians.

[crossing the street]

Justin Taylor: Hey. Hey! How's it going?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I'm sorry, do we know you?

Justin Taylor: I'm Justin. Brian's friend. I was there the night Gus was born. I named him.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Yeah...

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, right! So when Gus ends up pumping gas, we'll have you to thank.

[Lindsay laughs.]

Justin Taylor: This is Daphne.

Daphne Chanders: Hi. I'm not lesbian, but I, I... I'm a big fan.

[Lindsay and Melanie don't know what to say.]

Justin Taylor: He's gotten so big already.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, well, you would too if all you did was sleep and eat all day.

Daphne Chanders: He does.

Justin Taylor: He's like the cutest baby I've ever seen. If you ever need a babysitter...

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't say that unless you mean it.

Justin Taylor: And if you need any help carrying stuff to the car, I'll be glad to be of...

[Lindsay immediately hands the bags over to Justin.]

Justin Taylor: [slowly] ...assistance.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Wow, you're good for a thousand and one uses.

Daphne Chanders: I'll see you later.

Justin Taylor: I don't know.

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Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [Ted and Emmett are at Torso, where Emmett is checking out new clothes.] I'm out.

Emmett Honeycutt: At work? That's fabulous.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I'm out of the scene, I mean. I've made up my mind. No more bars, no more baths, no more clubs... You'll never see my face at Babylon again.

Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, please. You can't let one little drug-induced coma get you down.

[putting on a tee]

Emmett Honeycutt: What do you think?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You look unbelievably trashy.

Emmett Honeycutt: Tuck me into it. I'll buy it.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You missed my point entirely. Everything we do, even the clothes we wear, is a conscious or, worse yet, unconscious attempt to get laid.

Emmett Honeycutt: Yes, it's true. There's an overemphasis on sex. But why not buy two sizes too small and come with it?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Because, tragically, some of us were not born to wear Lycra.

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Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [reading from the ad in the paper] "Date Bait. Meet other single gay man in a civilized evening of conversation. No pick-ups, no face-to-face rejection". They have an over thirty night.

Emmett Honeycutt: Where? The morgue?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And just for that, you're going with me.

Emmett Honeycutt: I am not over thirty!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And I am not going alone.

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Dr. David Cameron: [Michael is waiting for David in his office, when he walks in.] I didn't realize we'd scheduled a follow-up visit.

Michael: We didn't. I told them it was an emergency.

Dr. David Cameron: What's the problem?

Michael: I'm a jerk. Can you adjust that?

Dr. David Cameron: Provided it's not a permanent condition.

Michael: See, the thing is, I don't date very often. You know, real, eat-a-meal, talk, stare-into-each-other's-eyes kinda date. So I... I kind of freaked. And I'm sorry, I was such an asshole.

Dr. David Cameron: You weren't an asshole.

Michael: Believe me, I've seen assholes, and...

[realizing the pun]

Michael: I mean..., ah..., I feel shitty about it..., and I really like you. And I think you might actually have liked me.

Dr. David Cameron: I do like you.

Michael: You do? Well, do you think we could start over?

Dr. David Cameron: Sit down. You're adorable, you know that?

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Brian: [Brian knocks on the door. Melanie opens it, and a doll greets her.] I got something for Gus.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [laughing] That's so sweet. We'll call Michael later to thank him.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: How long have you been drawing?

Justin Taylor: My Mom brought me crayons when I was still in the crib. I never stopped.

Brian: What's he doing here?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: We ran into each other on the street.

Justin Taylor: It was like this weird coincidence.

Brian: I bet.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [looking at Justin's drawings] You know, these are good!

Justin Taylor: That's what my Mother says.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Lindsay's an art teacher.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: For someone your age, you have an amazing feel for the human form.

Brian: I've noticed that myself.

[throws a teddy bear at Justin]

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Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know, there's going to be an art show at G.L.C.

Justin Taylor: What's that?

Brian: The Gay and Lesbian Center.

[Justin frowns.]

Brian: Safe haven for fags who can't get laid.

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Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me.

[throws the bear at him again]

Justin Taylor: Don't flatter yourself.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [laughs] Oh, we like Justin. Justin can stay.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We'll make sure everyone comes.

[to Brian]

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: including you.

Brian: Bitch.

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Emmett Honeycutt: Faggots, faggots everywhere, and not a drop to drink. I can honestly say I have no desire to have sex with any of these people.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Me neither. That's a start.

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Dr. David Cameron: I've never seen so many comic books.

Michael: That's what everybody I bring home says. I mean, people have told me that.

Dr. David Cameron: Uh-hmm. Who's the big fella?

Michael: Captain Astro. Uhm, my friend Emmett, he's staying with me. It was supposed to be a temporary thing but he's become sort of a squatter, may come home at any time, so sorry about that.

Dr. David Cameron: You don't have to apologize for everything.

Michael: I know, I do that. I'm sorry.

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Roger: [both Roger and Ted are staring at the waiter's ass as he walks away.] He has a nice smile.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Among other attributes.

Roger: I'm sure he's a fine person.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Rhodes Scholar would be my guess.

Roger: [laughs] You know, ordinarily, I'd be racking my brain to come up with some pathetic line for when he comes back, like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new?".

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Or, ah... "Do I know you from somewhere? No? Must be in a dream".

Roger: "So, when did they start hiring models here?".

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You're worse than I am! You want me to go to the men's room, so you can take a crack at him?

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Justin Taylor: [Justin and Daphne are at the Gay and Lesbian center. Girl hanging artwork starts talking to them] You can tell I'm gay?

Jan: Well, you're here, aren't you?

[to Daphne]

Jan: I'm heading on down to the diner to get a soda. You wanna come?

Daphne Chanders: [looks at Justin] Sure.

Justin Taylor: W-w-what are you doing? She thinks you're a lesbian.

Daphne Chanders: Well, can't I be one of the cool people too?

Justin Taylor: You're a freak.

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Justin Taylor: Do you think Brian's gonna come?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [pausing] Don't expect too much from him, okay?

Justin Taylor: What's too much?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Anything at all. You'll have lots of relationships, Justin, with lots of interesting people. I know you don't believe that right now, but you will.

Justin Taylor: I just want him to see his picture framed, that's all.

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Brian: Fuck groups.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I thought you did.

Brian: Occasionally. But it's by invitation... only.

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Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [Ted is admiring Roger, who's playing the piano.] He plays beautifully, doesn't he?

Emmett Honeycutt: I'm all a tingle. So have you two had sex yet?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: No!

[whispering]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Would you keep your voice down?

Emmett Honeycutt: Well, when are you?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: When we both know it's the right thing to do.

Emmett Honeycutt: Sex is never the right thing to do! Feeding the poor is the right thing to do; hiring the handicapped is the right thing to do; donating blood... is the right...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Alright, alright, you made your point.

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Michael: Lindsay, this is David.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Nice to meet you!

Dr. David Cameron: Nice to meet you!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [carrying Gus, greeting from afar] Whoa, Michael!

Michael: [freezes] Let's go check out the vagina sculptures first, get it over with.

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Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Everyone loves your drawings!

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah, check out the food?

Justin Taylor: I'm not hungry.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Okay, how about the cute guys? There are some right over there just about your age.

[Justin looks over to the entrance, and he sees the love of his life.]

Justin Taylor: [smiles] He's here.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [sarcastically] Hmmm... Yippee.

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Brian: Aren't I always looking out for you?

Michael: You're just jealous because somebody finally thinks I'm hot or something.

Brian: You are hot or something. I've been telling you that since you were fourteen, but you won't believe me.

[and then Brian kisses Michael on the lips.]

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Roger: [Ted and Roger are looking at the picture of a naked man on the wall.] Tremendous energy.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [referring to the penis in the picture] Really comes right out at you.

[breathing heavily]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Roger..., I think I'm ready.

Roger: I've promised to play the piano.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You're just volunteering.

Roger: You're right, fuck them.

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Jennifer Taylor: So I thought, "Okay, he's having... experiences". But with boys his own age! This... man, he must be in his 30's!

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Well, not yet, but I'll be happy to tell him you thought so.

Jennifer Taylor: Well, it's not right.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It happens.

Jennifer Taylor: If his Father finds out... Tell me about him. This... person. I have to know.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Brian Kinney - God's gift to gay P.A. They all want Brian, but the good news is, no one can have him. He screws them, breaks their heart, and they wise up. Most of them, anyway.

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Brian: [to Justin and Daphne] Oh, look, it's the cast of "Zoom".

Daphne Chanders: We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today.

Justin Taylor: The one of you... naked.

Michael: Who'd buy that?

Emmett Honeycutt: Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you.

Brian: Oh, Ted, how thoughtful.

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Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I was rejected by everybody.

[Emmett looks unsure]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: It's good to be back!

Emmett Honeycutt: [to Ted] Let's get you a cock-tail!

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Okay.

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Emmett Honeycutt: I didn't know he could draw.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Oh, he can't. I bought him tracing paper when he was a kid so he could copy his comic books. His Spiderman always ended up looking more like little orphan Annie.

Emmett Honeycutt: Well, what's his talent?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Well, it's nothing he'd be famous for. You won't ever see his paintings hanging in an art gallery or hear him playing at Carnegie Hall. But when it comes to taking care of people, knowing what you need better even than you do, he's a fucking Picasso.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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