Michael: ...I know that guy. He works out in our gym. Ah... Blake! I think he likes you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, yeah, how can you tell?
Michael: Because he's looking back.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Probably just stretching his neck.
Michael: Will you listen to you?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What?
Michael: Always putting yourself down!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Well, better me than them. I'm gentler.
Michael: Doesn't sound like it. You know, it is possible that someone can actually like you, you know.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, it's possible. However, I'm sure a statistical analysis would reveal that the probability of a guy named "Blake" who looks like that, actually liking a guy named "Ted", who looks like me to be in the... point zero five percentile. In other words, practically zip. Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.
Michael: How do you know that?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Because Brian's everybody's type. Which explains why he's had everybody.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I know, I know. Except for you. Which is kind of weird when you think about it.
Michael: Weird? He's my best friend!
Michael: So, everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, right! Sex is something you only have with complete strangers, yeah. People you will never see again - unless you just bump into him on the street. But never with someone you might actually give a shit about.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Who made us these crazy rules, anyway, huh?
Michael: Beats me. Let's go have a drink.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Or two or three.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [talking about Brian] What's eating him? Or isn't?
Michael: None of your business.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You watch your mouth.
Michael: Why do you have to come here?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Well, Vic was feeling better, so we thought we'd come here after my shift and have a drink. What's the big deal?
Michael: The big deal is that I came here to hang out with my friends, not my mother.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Sweetie, you know I approve of your lifestyle.
Michael: Well maybe I don't want you to approve. Maybe I want you to go home and cry.
Michael: So why punish him by not going?
Brian: Look, it's not if he's gonna know I'm not there.
Michael: Can't be sure. I read some place...
Brian: Where? Marvel Comics?
Michael: ...that infants respond to things even while still in the womb. For instance, tension and discord affect them adversely, while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes 'em super smart.
Brian: Well how do you think listening to the sound of two dikes go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him? Christ. He'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason why he needs his dad!
Michael: [Voice over narration] About a week, after their baby was born... Thanks in part to the invaluable contribution of Brian Kinney... Lindsay and Melanie had a party. They invited a heard of their nearest and dearest lesbians, assorted relatives and us, the friends of the Father to their house. It was really nice. The smell of bread baking, and fresh flowers everywhere you looked. Not like going to my friends' places, with the smell of dirty laundry, and stacks of porn tapes everywhere you look.
Michael: [voiceover narration] Seeing them in their beautiful home with their new baby and their arms around each other, I wished for a moment that I, too, could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it.
Michael: [voiceover narration] Still being there that day, I realized how different men and women are, and I don't think it has anything to do with being gay or straight. It's that, the way I see it, women know how to commit to each other; men don't. At least not the men I know! But I'm jumping ahead. Let's go back an hour.
Brian: I told you. I'm not going to the muncher's brunch. And that's final!
Michael: Look, it's not for them. It's for you son.
Brian: My son? He's only my son when they want my money.
Michael: [talking to Brian in the steam room] Well, I was just about to say, I think you should rise to the occasion you know, we... bigger than they are. That is if you can take you hand and your mind off your dick long enough.
Emmett Honeycutt: Isn't he gorgeous? His name is Katsuo.
Katsuo: [holding a glass of juice in his hand] Jews?
Emmett Honeycutt: No, no, no.
[pointing at the Jewish people at the brisk]
Emmett Honeycutt: Jews.
[pointing at the glass]
Emmett Honeycutt: Juice. Okay?
[Emmett turns to Michael.]
Emmett Honeycutt: He gives "Pacific Rim", a whole new meaning.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Where did you find him?
Emmett Honeycutt: He found me. I was having drinks in the losers lounge. He comes over, starts chattering away. Only he doesn't speak any English and the only Japanese I know is "Sony" and "Toyota".
Michael: So how do you communicate with him?
Emmett Honeycutt: There's other ways than talking.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.
Katsuo: [Katsuo talks away in Japanese.] Kane. Kane.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come, come.
[guiding him to Melanie]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [talking to someone on camera] Ha-ha... Okay, have a bagel.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Mel. Hi, Mel. Okay, and cut. Great! Look, we need you to translate.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Talk to Melanie. Melanie speak all Axis Powers.
[Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.]
Michael: He keeps saying "Kane".
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah...
[pulling Michael away from Katsuo]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: "Kane" is money! He's saying he expects Emmett to pay him.
Michael: For what?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: He's a God damned male prostitute!
Michael: Oh, shit!
Katsuo: [Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.] Kane!
Emmett Honeycutt: Come, come, sweetie.
Michael: Melanie says, "Kane" means...
Michael: ..."love". He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze.
Emmett Honeycutt: That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: This is Rabbi Protesh. He'll be doing the brisk.
Emmett Honeycutt: Oh, I love pot roast.
[Rabbi Protesh laughs.]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: That's "brisket"! I believe in the Jewish faith the "brisk" is a circumcision ceremony.
Michael: Where's Brian?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Looking after the only dick that matters. - His own.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: What the hell do you think you're doing? Barging in here, interrupting a religious ceremony?
Brian: You should have asked my permission first!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: For what?
Brian: To circumcise my son!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: We don't have to ask your permission. We're the parents!
Brian: And I'm the biological father. And that gives me more rights than you.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: I see someone's been studying his law.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, this is no time to be having this conversation! We have a house full of guests.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah, and since when did you start caring about your son? Considering you haven't been to see him once since he was born.
Brian: Well, I'm not exactly welcome.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, bull shit! You've been too busy fucking everything that moves!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Could we please stop this? Why does it matter to you if Gus is circumcised?
Brian: It matters that he's been in this world less than a week and already there are people who won't accept him for the way he is. Who'd even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is. The way he was born. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.
Brian: Deb, can we get some service?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Keep your pants on, at least until you've had dinner.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I've always said there're only two reasons to be friends with lesbians: They'll never try to convince you that the only reason you're gay is that you haven't met the right woman, and ah... they know how to change a flat.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Okay, boys, what'll it be?
Emmett Honeycutt: Nothing for me, thanks.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Em, honey, you should try to eat some of your protein off a plate!
Emmett Honeycutt: I read, that, that for every thirty pounds you lose, you gain an entire inch of cock.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: So, if you just dropped another ninety pounds, you'll have a four-inched pecker!
Daphne Chanders: Oh, my God. Look at that! Is that a girl, or a boy?
Justin Taylor: Don't point! No matter what you see. Guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls...
Daphne Chanders: Well, what if I see a guy and a girl kissing huh? That'd be something different down here.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [Melanie and Lindsay walk in, Melanie's pissed.] Should I freeze this or toss it?
[Melanie slams the dish on the counter, then storms to the dining room.]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I'd rather not have it around when i'm trying to get back into shape...
[Lindsay walks into the dining room.]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: So how long is this gonna go on? Or do you plan never to speak to me ever again?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [slams dish] What would you like me to say?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Anything.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: All right, how about "I have a house full of uneaten cold cuts and an uncircumcised son"! How's that?
[picks up some plates and storms to the kitchen]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [sips some orange juice] Look,
[follows Melanie into the kitchen]
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Brian's gonna take out the insurance policy. At least he's agreed to do that. That's something, isn't it?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Oh, my consolation prize!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Well, it was important enough to you last week!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: So was this afternoon. But now I have been humiliated in front of our friends, my relatives, Rabbi Protesh... Where's the goddamn plastic wrap?
[Lindsay hands it to her, Melanie snatches out of Lindsay's hand.]
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: And you let him do it!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: You're the one who decided to call off the brisk. Of course, I know it's not very important to you or Brian but it happens to be a very important ritual in my family.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You know there are a lot of men who think circumcision is a cruel and barbaric practice?
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [slams the refrigerator shut] I don't care what men think about their dicks! I care that you put Brian before me. But, you know, why should I be surprised? You always have!
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Oh, for Christ's sake, are we really gonna go through this again? I don't want to have this conversation!
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Yeah, and I didn't want Brian to be the baby's father in the first place. But no, you had to have it your way. It had to be Brian or no one! So now he's a part of our lives forever! Whether we like it or not!
Michael: [Justin and Daphne walk into Woody's.] Double shit!
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What now?
Michael: It's him, our teen stalker! Christ, why won't be just go away?
Justin Taylor: [to Debbie] Remember me?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Turn around. I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.
Justin Taylor: You know, I'm actually looking for a friend of Michael's. His name is Brian.
Vic Grassi: I could have guessed that.
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Honey, everybody's looking for Brian.
Justin Taylor: Have you seen him?
[Deb points to Brian]
Daphne Chanders: That's Brian? God, he's so old! And skinny. You can do way better than that.
Justin Taylor: Would you shut up?
Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [Deb and Vic are watching Brian, who has his eyes on a trick over at the bar.] Five bucks he nails him before midnight.
Vic Grassi: You're on.
Michael: I'm not baby-sitting him again. This time he's all yours!
Michael: He's over there talking to my mother, you little prick!
Brian: Leave him alone. He's alright.
Michael: ... Excuse me? The noise is so loud in here, I thought I heard you said he's alright.
Brian: In fact, it's kind of sweet.
Michael: Sweet? I thought we got rid of him. I thought he was out of our lives.
Michael: What the fuck did you do that for? You practically got us engaged!
Brian: Well, I want to dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy too.
Emmett Honeycutt: Time to organize a search party.
Michael: Who's missing?
Emmett Honeycutt: Katsuo! I was talking to Dungeon Master Don, who wants to mummify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder? Anyway, I turned around, and he was gone.
Michael: I have a feeling he'll be alright.
Emmett Honeycutt: He doesn't speak a word of English! And... and he's so sweet, so innocent. What if some hot, hungry queen tries to have his way with it?
Brian: I thought you already did.
Michael: He's around somewhere. Im sure you'll find him.
Emmett Honeycutt: Thanks.
Brian: [to Michael] Target sighted. All systems go. See you later, Mikey.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [talking to a trick] Hey, how're you doing? ... Good, glad to hear it.
[talking to another trick]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Hey, how's it going? ... Ah, yeah, no complains, thanks. Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?
Michael: Yeah, I'll take a beer.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [shocked, turning back to the source of voice] Oh, it's you.
Michael: Oh, fuck you!
[smiling like a crazy person]
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What are you on?
Michael: Nothing. A little Brian's mix. Any luck?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Oh, I'm headed for an all-time season record: Eight straight, actually make that not so straight no hitters.
Michael: Blake just winked at you.
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: He's got some crystal-meth in his eye.
Michael: He did it again! I told you, he likes you. Why don't you just go and ask him to dance?
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: 'Cause he'll just say, "Come back when you get a hair transplant or some liposuction".
Michael: You do not need a hair transplant or liposuction. Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you, except maybe yourself.
Emmett Honeycutt: [to Mel on the phone] How do you say "tacky little cocksucker" in Japanese?
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, it doesn't matter who's right. We can't allow Brian to come between us as much as he'd like to.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: And you know he would.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Even if he is the Father, we're still the parents. You and me. Gus belongs to us. And that's why we had him.
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: No, you had him. Aside from saying 'push and breathe' I really don't have that much to do with it.
Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: You had everything to do with it. I never would have had him without you. Just remember that next time you're wondering who comes first.
Emmett Honeycutt: The worst part is not that he's unfaithful, or even a slut. I mean, nobody's perfect. It's that he said he loved me. I mean, he lied to me!
Brian: How could he lie to you? He doesn't speak English!
Michael: Look, I'm the one who told you that. I'm sorry.
Emmett Honeycutt: My own fault. Why do I always give my heart away to trash, huh?
Brian: Because you want to see it in the dumpster?
Blake Wyzecki: Oh, God. Stop! Oh, my God. Stop. Stop. Ted. Oh, my God. Ted!
Emmett: What... I can be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know... just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, *never* use words like, like 'fabulous' or 'divine'. Talk about... I don't know,
[deepens his voice]
Emmett: nailing bitches and RBI's. But I rather my flame burn bright! Than some puny little pilot light.