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"Queer as Folk" Premiere (TV Episode 2000) Poster

(TV Series)

(2000)

Quotes

[first lines]

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact, they say men think about sex every twenty eight seconds. Of course, that's straight men. With gay men, it's every nine. You can be at the supermarket or the laundromat or buying a fabulous shirt, when suddenly you find yourself checking out some hot guy, hotter than the one you saw last weekend, or went home with the night before. Which explains why we're all at Babylon at one in the morning, instead of at home in bed. But who wants to be at home in bed, especially alone, when you can be here, knowing that at any moment, you might see him - the most beautiful man whoever lived... That is, until tomorrow night! By the way, that's me. Six-one, Forty six inch chest, sixteen inch biceps, twenty eight inch waist, a veritable God. I wish. Okay, that's me. Michael Novotny, the semi-cute boy-next-door type. Twenty nine, five-ten, one forty, nine and a half cut. Alright, so I exaggerate. But, like, who's told the truth since they invented cybersex?

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Brian: How old are you really?

Justin: Twenty... nineteen... eighteen...

Brian: Well, what is this, a missile launch?

Justin: Seventeen.

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Emmett Honeycutt: [referring to the hot guy who walks by at Babylon] My God..., have you ever seen anything more beautiful.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Venice. At sunset.

Emmett Honeycutt: Fine. You go down the Grand Canal. I'll go down on him.

[jokingly follows after guy]

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Emmett can be a little campy. Okay, a lot campy. But you gotta admit, these days it takes real guts to be a queen in a world full of commoners.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: The problem with perfection... is its inability to recognize anything less perfect than itself.

Emmett Honeycutt: In other words, you hit on him and he turned you down.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: ...Yeah.

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Ted's this really smart guy, and he's got a really big heart. Only nobody here's interested in the size of that organ.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Why am I wasting my time staring at a bunch of over-pumped princesses with I.Q.'s smaller than their waists...?

[Ted froze as a hot guy walked past him]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Jesus, look at him!

Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Like I said, it's all about sex. 'Except when you're having it. And then it's all about, "Will he stay?", "Will he go?", "How am I doing?", "What am I doing?". Unless, of course, you're Brian Kinney. And then it's "Who gives a fuck what you think? You're lucky to have me".

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Michael Novotny: That was quick.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Hell, when you've had as much practice as he's had.

Brian: I got bored.

Emmett Honeycutt: I know. Getting your dick sucked can be so tedious.

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Brian: So what do you like to do?

Justin: Do? I don't know. Watch T.V., play "Tomb Raider".

Brian: [laughing] I meant in bed.

Justin: Oh.

[smiles at Brian]

Justin: This is fine.

Brian: Are you a top or a bottom?

Justin: [hesitantly] ...Top... And bottom.

Brian: Oh, you're versatile then.

Justin: And ambidextrous, which was really confusing at first cause I can never figure out which hand to throw with.

Brian: [nodding] Do you like to rim?

Justin: Sure. I love it.

Brian: Great. Go to it.

[Justin looks confused, non-responsive]

Brian: Well?

Justin: Um... What exactly do you mean?

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Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: We've been thinking of names. Mel wants to call him Abraham after her grandfather, but I like Gus.

[Brian looks at his son, then over to Justin.]

Brian: What do you think?

Justin: You wouldn't survive a day in school being named Abraham, but I guess Gus is okay.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Thank you very much, and who the hell are you?

Brian: His name's... Juh...

Michael Novotny: Justin.

Brian: You were on the phone when he shot his load all over me.

Lesbians In The Room: Ugh...

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Oh, Brian!

Brian: He can't help it. He's only seventeen.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: So you and Lindsay each had an infant tonight.

Brian: But mine doesn't suck on my tits, unless I want him to.

[looking back at Gus]

Brian: Gus! It's a good butch name. Come on Gus; give your daddy a smile.

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Brian: [On the hospital roof, Brian gets up on the ledge.] There is always one solution. I could end it all now right now.

Michael Novotny: Oh, that would be dramatic. It's like "E.R.". Birth and death in the same episode. Now, get down!

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Michael Novotny: [to Justin] Okay Boy Wonder, I'm taking you home.

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Brian: [to Justin] Now you know what rimming is.

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Justin: [Brian and Justin are about to have anal intercourse.] Wait. In school we had this lecture, about safe sex.

Brian: And now we're going to have a demonstration.

[Brian grabs a condom from beside the bed, rips it open with is teeth, and while handing it to Justin.]

Brian: Put it on me. Go on slip it on my dick.

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Emmett Honeycutt: When did seventy's night become eighty's night?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I remember this song from high school. Talk about feeling ancient.

Emmett Honeycutt: Speak for yourself, honey. I was a mere child.

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Michael Novotny: Hey, Todd! How's it going?

Todd: Fine!

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Michael Novotny: [Brian is receiving oral sex from a guy in the back room of Babylon.] We need to go. We want to eat.

Brian: I'm just gonna give him my number.

Michael Novotny: What'd you do, you write it on your dick? How long is this gonna take?

Brian: [looking at the face of the guy] Ten minutes. Tops.

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Emmett Honeycutt: Don't look now but somebody's wat-ching.

Michael Novotny: Oh, him. He's been cruising me all night.

Emmett Honeycutt: Hmm... playing hard to get. I love that in a man.

Michael Novotny: Not playing, just not interested.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Check out that bubble butt. And that basket? Enough in there for the Big Bad Wolf.

Michael Novotny: Would you quit staring! There's more to a guy than his cock size... Or his perfectly shaped ass.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Which is why you read all those comic books, with those superheroes in their little tights - for the plot.

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Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] And that's when it happened. When he came along.

Brian: How's it going? Had a busy night?

Justin: Just eh... Checking out the bars, you know. Boy Toy, Meat Hook.

Brian: The Meat Hook? Really? So you're into leather?

Justin: [hesitating] ...Sure.

Brian: Where're you headed?

Justin: No place special.

Brian: I can change that.

[both of them got into the jeep.]

Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! Hey, what about us?

Brian: You can ride with Ted.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Thanks a lot!

Michael Novotny: Asshole!

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Brian: Coming in?

Justin: Huh? Oh, yeah.

Brian: Shut the door.

Justin: [Justin hesitates, then shuts the door.] This is a... really nice place. I like your kitchen.

Brian: Do you like Special K?

Justin: It's okay. I like Cheerios better.

Brian: I don't mean the kind you eat with bananas. My disco pharmacologist cooks this up for me.

Justin: I'm really allergic to a lot of drugs. The doctor gave me penicillin once. Nearly killed me. And Tylenol.

Brian: Tylenol? No one's allergic to Tylenol. Tylenol's what they give you when you're allergic to everything else.

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Brian: [to Justin] So are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?

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Emmett Honeycutt: Oh my God, look. He must've followed us.

Michael Novotny: Christ! That's just what I need.

Emmett Honeycutt: Honey, it's what we all need.

[Michael shakes his head, ready to go into his house. Emmett stopping Michael.]

Emmett Honeycutt: Hey, when was last time you got laid?

[Michael opens his mouth, doesn't know how to respond.]

Emmett Honeycutt: My point exactly: if you can't remember, then it's time.

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Brian: [Justin reaches orgasm while Brian is on the phone with Melanie.] Jesus Christ! I told you not to!

Justin: I tried! I'm sorry. I tried!

Brian: All over my new duvet!

Justin: I tried.

Brian: [wiping the bed] Thank you very much.

Justin: It'll wash out, won't it? I mean, you should see my sheets at home.

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Emmett Honeycutt: [Michael is making out with a guy when Emmett walks into them.] Woo! Don't mind me, just eh... can't sleep without my milk and Oreos.

Michael Novotny: This is my friend Emmett. He's staying with me temporarily since the hooker who lived down the hall from him burnt his apartment building down two years ago.

Trick: Two years is a long time to be temporary.

Michael Novotny: And yet it hasn't interfered with my love life... Which I suppose says a lot about my love life.

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Brian: [commenting on missing the birth of his son] Oh, I wish I could have been there. How often do I get to see snatch?

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Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Want to hold him?

[Brian approaches the baby, holding him.]

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Ca... Careful! Don't drop him.

Brian: That is just what I was planning on doing.

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Michael Novotny: It's disgusting, all those lesbians fawning over him and making goo-goo talk.

Brian: That's what women do over babies.

Michael Novotny: Who's talking about the baby? I mean Justin. It's kinda weird, you're having a kid. Still, it's exciting, isn't it?

Brian: What? Having some wrinkled little time clock ticking away? Reminding you that you're getting older by the minute, by the second?

Michael Novotny: Keep thinking like that, you're gonna end up prematurely gray... Oh, I think I see one.

[Michael reaches for Brian, pulling off his hair.]

Brian: Ouch!

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Brian: Come 'on, Mikey, let's fly... like in all those comic books. I'm Superman. I'll show you the world!

Michael Novotny: Why am I always Lois Lane?

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Brian: Well, here we are. Ma and Pa.

[Lindsay starts to cry.]

Brian: Hey...

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't mind me. I'm just feeling a little... vulnerable.

Brian: I promise not to tell.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Who would have thought? You and me, parents?

Brian: It's pretty scary, boys and girls. Think it's too late to return it?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: [whispering] We could try...

[laughing]

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: I guess this means we're finally grown-ups.

Brian: Don't say that Wendy! We'll never grow up!

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could fuck up, so could we.

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Brian: [to Justin] Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. "Do you want to come home with me?". A, yes. B, yes. Or C, yes. Tick, tick, tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do you say?

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Michael Novotny: He calls me, practically begs me to go with him, knowing full well I'm with someone, for the first time in I don't know how long...

Emmett Honeycutt: Seven months, two weeks, and three days.

Michael Novotny: Thank you. And even though the guy wasn't always cracked up to be...

Emmett Honeycutt: We'll let that remark pass.

Michael Novotny: At least he wanted me. Me!

[sitting down on the couch]

Michael Novotny: God, I'm so horny!

Emmett Honeycutt: Poor baby. Well I have just the thing. A new porn video.

[running to get the video]

Emmett Honeycutt: It all takes place in a prisoner of war camp. Hot, horny men starved for action.

Michael Novotny: I can relate to that.

Emmett Honeycutt: [Emmett hands over the video to Michael.] Guaranteed to make your private stand up and salute.

Michael Novotny: "Schindler's Fist"?

Emmett Honeycutt: Ah... Here.

[handing Michael the remote]

Emmett Honeycutt: I'll leave you two alone. I'm sure you're going to have a deep, meaningful relationship. Good night!

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Brian: [Brian and Justin are making love in bed.] Now relax, I want you to always remember this, so that no matter who you're ever with, I'll always be there.

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Brian: [Brian stretches his hand over to the other side of the bed to stop the alarm, wakes up, and realizes that Justin is in his bed.] What the fuck are you doing here?

Justin: You said I could stay.

Brian: Right. Your parents. They think you're at a friend's.

[rising to sit on the bed, noticing the mess in the loft]

Brian: Jesus Christ! What the hell happened?

[Justin laughs.]

Brian: Don't tell me. I was doing handstands.

Justin: And juggling. You're not very good.

Brian: Shit! Why do I do these things?

[Justin tries to answer.]

Brian: I'll tell you why. Was that fucking pig Anita. She told me that was E. That wasn't E, that was some shit they cooked up in a bathtub in Tijuana.

Justin: That's why you should never take drugs that aren't prescribed by a physician or recommended by a reliable pharmacist.

Brian: [laughing] What are you, a public service announcement?

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Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: [on answering machine tape] Where the hell are you? I've been trying your cell. It's turned off. If you're there, pick up. Brian. Listen, Lindsay's water broke. She's having contractions. We're at the hospital.

Brian: [quick-pan to Brian as he stands bolt-upright.] Fuck! I have a baby.

Justin: [in the bathroom] Ouch!

Brian: Two babies.

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Justin: [talking about Lindsay] Did you actually fuck her?

Brian: Who?

Justin: Lindsay.

Brian: You're awfully rude.

Justin: Well, did you?

Brian: I jerked off into a cup, and they squirted it up her.

Justin: Gross. She must have really wanted a kid.

Brian: Most women do.

Justin: Even lesbians?

Brian: Lesbians are women... Sort of.

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Brian: [to Justin] Don't get smart, or I'll have to spank you.

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Michael Novotny: [Michael walks into Brian and Justin, kissing.] Christ! Didn't you get enough last night?

Brian: There is no such thing as enough. Besides, I couldn't send him off without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.

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Brian: [surprised by the graffiti on his jeep] Oh, that's beautiful, Mikey. Just beautiful.

Michael Novotny: It's not my fault! I've told you about those two psychopaths down the street.

Brian: What? A couple of twelve-year-olds?

Michael Novotny: They start early these days!

[looking at Justin]

Michael Novotny: What are you laughing at?

Justin: Nothing... You. You sound like my parents fighting.

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Brian: [everyone at Justin's school is staring at Brian's jeep with the word 'faggot' on it.] Here we are, sonny boy.

Michael Novotny: Be sure to come home right after school.

Brian: No lingering on the playground or the locker room with the gym teacher.

Michael Novotny: Oh, you did not tell him about that!

Brian: It's the most famous shower scene since "Psycho".

Justin's Schoolmate: [passing by, screaming at Justin] Hey, Justin..., you wanna suck me off?

Brian: No.

[getting down from his jeep]

Brian: But I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week!

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Daphne Chanders: Where have you been? Your mom called. I didn't know what to tell her. I said you were still asleep.

Justin: I just saw the face of God.

Daphne Chanders: Huh?

Justin: His name is Brian Kinney.

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[last lines]

Brian: Well, I say, fuck them. They can write it in neon across the sky. Faggot!

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Brian: Kids grrrrreat!

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Justin: Guess what I was doing last night?

Daphne: Sleeping? Same as me?

Justin: Having sex. All night. With that guy I met, Brian Kinney. We did it till six in the morning.

[pausing]

Justin: Well? Aren't you shocked?

Daphne: Not Really.

Justin: [disappointed] Oh.

Daphne: Well, I kinda figured that you were... you know... Even though you never told me.

Justin: I'm telling you now!

Daphne: Want some of my veggie wrap?

[Justin takes the food, eating it]

Daphne: So, what was it like?

Justin: Well, I started out as a tight end, but wound up a wide receiver.

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[first lines]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Brian Kinney, a father.

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around?

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Would you give the guy a break?

Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] Couldn't be any worse than my Daddy was.

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Or mine. Not that I remember him.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] So what's next? PTA Parent, Little League coach, Scout master?

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] They don't allow queers into the scouts. They're afraid we'll induct new recruits.

Emmett Honeycutt: [on the phone] I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [on the phone] Who, Brian?

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] No, the baby. Imagine, he's only been in the world an hour and already he's pulling his pud.

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Michael Novotny: [voice over narration] Remember that story we all read in high school? You know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato or whoever? All they could see were shadows on a wall. So, after a while, they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone who he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there. That they're only ... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room?

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Brian Kinney: :

[pitching his ad campaign]

Brian Kinney: The difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer says...sex. Not Clydesdales. If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get... laid... this is what you drink.

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Justin: There I was, on my back, and there he was on top of me, slipping it in.

Daphne: That must have hurt. Didn't it hurt?

Justin: At first it felt like someone was shoving a broom up there. But, I told him to go slower and he did. Then I stopped thinking about it when I looked at his face. His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, in a sort of smile. Like he was in another place. A beautiful place. That place was me. And his body... God! Like his body was so amazing! I could see every muscle. He said he wanted to stay inside of me forever, and I wanted him to. I still feel him, like he's still there. Christ! Daphne, everybody talks about having sex. But I really did it!

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Brian Kinney: I had to piss during that whole pitch. Didn't think I could hold it.

Cute Client: [cute client grins] Your presentation was very impressive.

Brian Kinney: [looks over] Think so?

[eyes drop]

Cute Client: [grinning] Yeah, it was very impressive.

Brian Kinney: Well I'm glad you liked it. Because that's what we're here for. To please the client.

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Justin: [to his little sister Molly] Would you get the fuck away!

Molly Taylor: [to their Mother] He said fuck.

Justin: I'll say a lot worse if you don't leave me alone.

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Michael Novotny: It was a trap!

Emmett Honeycutt: Hey! See that number in the red shorts?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I can work out for a hundred years and never look like that.

Michael Novotny: Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say.

Emmett Honeycutt: Shawn Peters, went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top...

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And?

Michael Novotny: ...And I fell for it!

Emmett Honeycutt: Turns out, he's a big, nelly bottom!

[laughing]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: I could've told you that!

Emmett Honeycutt: Ugh! It's so discouraging. Are there no real man left?

Michael Novotny: Now they're expecting me to meet them?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Steroid city?

Michael Novotny: No! In a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?

Emmett Honeycutt: [speaking really fast] There's this new girl at work who's interested in you, Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her, and some of the others for a drink after work, and now you have to go, or they might suspect.

[changing topic]

Emmett Honeycutt: Check out Mr. Peck-Deck.

[back to Michael]

Emmett Honeycutt: So what if they do?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: They could fire him?

Michael Novotny: Or I can end up an assistant manager for the rest of my life.

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Emmett Honeycutt: And... the solution is to pretend you like pussy?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: [sigh] Look, he's not like you, okay?

Emmett Honeycutt: What is that supposed to mean?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.

Emmett Honeycutt: Are you accusing me of being obvious?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: If the 'fuck-me' pump fits...

Emmett Honeycutt: Ah...

[putting down his barbells]

Emmett Honeycutt: Well... I could be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know...

[Michael stops doing his routine, raises his eyebrows, looking at Emmett]

Emmett Honeycutt: ...just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, never use words like, like "fabulous" or "divine". Talk about... I don't know,

[deepening his voice]

Emmett Honeycutt: nailing bitches and R.B.I.'s. But I'd rather my flame burn bright! Than be some puny little pilot light.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And a fabulous flame it is.

Emmett Honeycutt: Thank you.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Yeah, but Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy.

[reassuring Michael]

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: You do what you have to do.

Michael Novotny: I better go change.

Emmett Honeycutt: For your big date? Here's a Sports mag. Better bone up. Just in case the conversation veers away from Liza's weight problem.

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Jennifer Taylor: Of all the beautiful clothes your father and I bought for you, you have to pick something that no longer fits. That is too tight.

Justin: That's why!

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Michael Novotny: We need a secret code word like "Shazam" so that if I get into a tight spot, you could come and rescue me.

Brian Kinney: Tight spot? How about "butt-plug"?

Michael Novotny: "Butt-plug" might be a little hard to work into a conversation.

Brian Kinney: Because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them.

Michael Novotny: I couldn't help it!

Brian Kinney: Or you could've told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should've just said, "I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it!".

Michael Novotny: Right, right. By the way, I noticed you got the jeep repainted.

[They have finally reached the bar.]

Michael Novotny: God this place is like "Breeders' Central". Butt-plug, butt-plug, butt-plug, butt...

Brian Kinney: [pushing Michael down the jeep] See ya, Mikey.

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Tracy: [Michael is in a bar with Tracy and a few other straight colleagues, when Tracy starts to talk about plumbing.] Like, can you believe he... he didn't even know how to fix a sink.

Michael Novotny: Really?

Tracy: He called me at work, saying, "What should I do?"... I said, "I don't care what you do. Buy some cement, get a cork, use chewing gum, but plug it up!".

[Everyone's laughing...]

Michael Novotny: Butt-plug...

[laughing]

Michael Novotny: Butt-plug!

[laughing again]

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Brian Kinney: A million dollars?

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: That's the general idea.

Brian Kinney: A million fucking dollars?

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Brian, please? You'll wake the baby.

Brian Kinney: Well the answer is no. Definitely not.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: I don't understand the problem. I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: It was very generous.

Brian Kinney: Well that's different than a life insurance policy.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: It's simply in case something happens to you.

Brian Kinney: Like I'm decapitated on a railroad crossing? Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion? You know, I can just imagine the grisly deaths you've conjured up for me.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Like in case you get sick.

Brian Kinney: [pausing] ...Ah. Even better.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Considering your life. When's the last time you're tested.

Brian Kinney: Six months ago! I was negative.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: That's twenty-six weeks and a hundred and eighty-two one-night stands.

Brian Kinney: You know I've always admired people who can multiply in their heads. And I'm always careful.

Lindsay 'Linz' Peterson: Look, this isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.

Brian Kinney: And all I have to do is die.

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus: Hopefully, not before you sign these papers.

[smug-smiling at Brian]

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Tracy: You've got to believe, right Mike?

Michael Novotny: Like Cher!

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Michael Novotny: [answering his cell phone] Hello, sports fans!

Brian Kinney: [on the phone] I'm coming to get you.

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] It's okay. I'm having a really good time. She's really nice.

Brian Kinney: [on the phone] She's really nice? Do you think she and her friends would be really nice if they knew the little charade you were playing? They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] They're not like that.

Brian Kinney: [on the phone] Not like that, huh? Listen to me, Mikey. Are you listening?

Michael Novotny: [on the phone] Yeah, I'm listening.

Brian Kinney: [on the phone] There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: The ones that hate you to your face... and the ones that hate you behind your back. Now, get the fuck out of there... because I need you.

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Justin: Hi!

Brian Kinney: Oh shit! Just what I need. What's his name?

Michael Novotny: Justin! His name's Justin. If I can remember, and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?

Brian Kinney: Because I did?

[Brian approaches Justin, standing beside him.]

Brian Kinney: So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?

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Emmett Honeycutt: You know, for a skinny white boy, I make one fucking fabulous black woman.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: How bout another round on me?

Brian Kinney: I got a better idea. Lets move on.

Michael Novotny: What's wrong with here?

Brian Kinney: I've had everyone here.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: My problem precisely.

Michael Novotny: You haven't had me.

Brian Kinney: [smiles] Oh, yeah?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: What? You never told us.

Michael Novotny: There is nothing to tell.

Brian Kinney: We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from "Dirty Dancing"... without his shirt on. So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.

Michael Novotny: Okay, you can stop now.

Brian Kinney: [laughs] Twin stiffies. I reach over, start rubbing it. He's practically swooning.

[drops voice]

Brian Kinney: I pop it out, start stroking it, nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.

Justin: They always do. Did she see you?

Brian Kinney: I don't see how she could have missed it.

Michael Novotny: Only we didn't come, so it doesn't count.

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Michael Novotny: Can we order?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Shoot! I bet that'll be the first time tonight, am I right?

[laughs]

Michael Novotny: Ha-ha... I'll have the chicken-fried steak. No remarks. And he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Please?

Michael Novotny: Please.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [to Justin] Gotta keep your strength up sunshine. You can't cruise all night on an empty stomach

[walking away]

Justin: What a freak!

Michael Novotny: Yeah, she takes some getting used to. But once you do, you can't help but love her.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: One chicken-fried steak with no remarks, coming up in a flash.

Michael Novotny: Thanks, Mom.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: You're welcome, baby.

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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: So you going out cruising after you drop me off?

Michael Novotny: No, I've been invited to an all-night orgy.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Sounds hot!

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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's a miracle you're still alive.

Vic Grassi: It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Hustle?

[they both laugh]

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Brian Kinney: Patrick Swayze is so hot... We'll have to do something about that.

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Brian Kinney: [looking at himself in the mirror] I'd fuck you!

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Brian Kinney: Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk... Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.

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[last lines]

Brian Kinney: Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure, and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. Then they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married.

Justin: That's not what I want. I want you.

Brian Kinney: You can't have me. I'm too old... You're too young for me. You're seventeen, I'm twenty-eight.

Justin: You're twenty-nine.

Brian Kinney: Alright, twenty-nine. All the more reason. Now go do your homework.

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Michael Novotny: Yeah, well, the thing you gotta know about Brian is... he's not your boyfriend. Brian doesn't do boyfriends.

Justin: Yeah, well... You weren't there when we were doing it. You don't know the things we did. How he kissed me. You don't know anything.

Michael Novotny: I know this: Brian is a selfish prick who doesn't care about anyone but himself. If I were you I'd just forget about him.

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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: [to Michael about Patrick Swayze] Don't tell me you still have a crush on him?

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[as they are driving back to Brian's loft from the hospital... ]

Michael Charles Novotny: Brian, what did you take?

Brian: A, B, C, D, *E, E, E.*

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Brian: [Lindsey has just given birth to Brian's son, Gus] Alone at last!

[jumps on the hospital bed]

Lindsay: Careful!

Brian: Well here we are, maw and paw.

[Lindsay starts crying]

Brian: Hey!

[strokes her cheek]

Lindsay: Don't mind me, just feeling a little vulnerable.

Brian: I promise not to tell.

Lindsay: Who woulda thought, you and me, parents!

Brian: It's pretty scary, boys and girls. You think it's too late to return it?

Lindsay: We could try!

[they laugh]

Lindsay: I guess this means we're finally grownups.

Brian: Don't say that, Wendy, we'll never grow up!

Lindsay: Don't be scared. Hell, if our parents could fuck up, so can we!

Brian: I don't want you to worry. About money, I mean. If you need anything...

Lindsay: No, we'll be alright. But thanks.

[kisses his cheek]

Brian: I would have fucked you, ya know. If I wasn't afraid your lover'd beat the shit out of me.

Lindsay: Stop!

Brian: I mean it. She could take on Oscar de la Renta!

Lindsay: You mean La Hoya.

[she mock-punches his jaw]

Brian: Whatever.

Lindsay: Well, you had plenty of chances.

Brian: I took advantage of a few, if I recall.

Lindsay: It wasn't half bad!

Brian: Now you tell me? You mean I could have been straight this whole time?

Lindsay: I wouldn't say that!

Brian: I guess it's just as well.

[they kiss]

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Brian: I happen to be very kind. Very loving. Hey Zack, how's it going?

Zack: Not bad.

Brian: How's Peter?

Zack: Still dead.

Brian: [to Michael] Oh shit. I forgot.

Michael Novotny: Well, if anyone has any doubts about how kind and loving you are that should convince them.

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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Are you in pain?

Vic Grassi: Yeah.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Where? Tell me.

Vic Grassi: My wallet.

[hands her a paper]

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Holy shit!

Michael Novotny: What is it?

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: It's the MasterCard bill from our trip to Italy.

Vic Grassi: First class airline tickets. The Excelsior in Rome. The diamond and coral earrings I bought you in Capri. They're all there. The problem is, so am I.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Don't say that! It's a miracle you're still alive.

Vic Grassi: It's a miracle how I'm gonna pay for all of this.

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny: Hustle?

[They both laugh]

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Mr. Goodfuk: I don't mind a threesome. Although he's kind of young.

Brian: He's also kind of leaving.

Justin: Who's he?

Brian: Forgive me for not introducing you. Justin, this is Mr. Goodfuk. Mr. Goodfuk, may I present Justin.

Mr. Goodfuk: Name is George.

Brian: Sorry. George... Goodfuk.

Justin: You don't even know him.

Brian: Well, I was hoping to get to. Now why don't you just scamper on home.

[Justin leaves]

Brian: He's my stalker.

Mr. Goodfuk: That wasn't very kind. What, sending him off, a kid that age, by himself at this time of night.

Brian: Who are you, Father Goodfuk?

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Justin: "Dirty Dancing". That's a really old movie.

Brian Kinney: What?

Justin: I said that's a really old movie.

Brian Kinney: It's not that old.

Justin: How old are you?

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: Ugh-oh.

Brian Kinney: How old do you think I am?

Justin: Thirty-three?

[Everyone laughs.]

Brian Kinney: Fuck you.

Michael Novotny: He's twenty-nine.

Brian Kinney: And fuck you too! What did you tell him for?

Michael Novotny: Fair's fair.

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt: And we all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be thirty. Might as well be dead?

Brian Kinney: Well, you ought to know. You already are.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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