Quark (1977– )
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All the Emperor's Quasi-Norms: Part 1 

Quark expects to be on a good will mission, but it turns out that he is to pick up garbage as usual. But this isn't a usual mission as Quark and his crew are quickly captured by Zorgon the ... See full summary »





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Episode complete credited cast:
Gene / Jean (as Timothy Thomerson)
Patricia Barnstable ...
Betty (as Tricia Barnstable)
Zorgon the Malevolent
Ned York ...
Jerrold Ziman ...
Professor Dinsmore
Guard #1
Keith Atkinson ...
Guard #2


Quark expects to be on a good will mission, but it turns out that he is to pick up garbage as usual. But this isn't a usual mission as Quark and his crew are quickly captured by Zorgon the Malevolent, the most vicious Gorgon space pirate and half brother to the high Gorgon himself! Soon after being captured they meet Zorgon's daughter, the empress Libido, who is quickly captivated by Ficus and falls in love with him. But Zorgon is more interested in finding "It" and he thinks that Quark knows what "It" is and where "It" is located. Under pressure of having his crew crushed to death Quark reveals that "It" is located on the asteroid Rumbar; but Quark is only bluffing! To avoid Zorgon finding out about the bluff the crew decides to have Ficus make love to Libido, however, Ficus is confused and instead decides to pollinate with Libido. But luck is not with them, as Zorgon catches Ficus and Libido in the act of pollination and he decides that Quark and his crew are must to die; Ficus to ... Written by H Pylypiw

Plot Summary | Add Synopsis


Comedy | Sci-Fi




Release Date:

24 March 1978 (USA)  »

Company Credits

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Technical Specs


Sound Mix:


Aspect Ratio:

1.33 : 1
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Did You Know?


Gene: We'll teach those guys a lesson they'll never forget, right commander?
Adam Quark: Sure Gene. Ficus, have you got a reading on that ship, yet?
Ficus: It would appear they are approximately ten times bigger than we are, have six photon death rays, and a deflector shield which our weapons cannot penetrate.
Adam Quark: Our weapons cannot penetrate?
Ficus: Sir, we couldn't interrupt a small dinner party on that ship.
Adam Quark: Bettys, turn the ship around.
Gene: Commander, but you said we would teach 'em a lesson!
Adam Quark: I think they've learned their lesson.
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Spoofs Flash Gordon (1936) See more »

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User Reviews

Uproarious episode
30 August 2011 | by (The Last New Jersey Drive-In on the Left) – See all my reviews

Quark (well played to deadpan perfection by Richard Benjamin) gets captured by the evil emperor Zorgon (robustly essayed with considerable gusto by Ross Martin), who wants Quark to find "it" for him so he can rule the universe. Meanwhile, Zorgon's sexy and enticing daughter Princess Libido (a delightfully vampy portrayal by the eminently desirable Joan Van Ark) falls for Ficus (Richard Kelton in fine stolid form). Director Bruce Bilson, working from a witty script by Jonathan Kaufer, relates the hugely enjoyable story at a quick pace and maintains a winningly sly farcical tone throughout. The enthusiastic cast really go to town on the shrewd material: Tricia and Cyb Barnstable are as hot and fetching as ever as the gorgeous and vibrant Betty I and Betty II, Tim Thomerson has several gut-busting scenes as Gene/Jean, who switches from his gung-ho hyper-masculine personality to his more demure feminine one at the most inopportune moments; Bobby Porter is an absolute hoot as sniveling coward robot Andy, and Conrad Janis deliciously smarms it up as the ever-oily Otto Palindrome. This is perhaps one of this sadly short-lived how's single most funny and charming episodes; this is mainly due to the way it pokes clever and affection fun at such classic sci-fi fare as "Flash Gordon" and "Star Trek" (Zorgon in particular makes for an amusing caricature of Ming the Merciless). Definite hysterical highlight: Ficus demonstrates "pollinating" to Princess Libido. A total riot.

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