Neil: [as he barges in on a hanky-panky between his mother and Sam] My God, Mom! What would Dad say?
["Oh, boy" pause]
Neil: I mean... what would he say?
Dr. Sam Beckett: [as Joe] I can well imagine that this might look a little, you know...
Jane Lindhurst: Neil, your father has been dead for three years, and not once during that time has he said a word. I don't think he's gonna start now.
Neil: [to Jane] Tonight, we'd like to take you someplace special.
Neil: Your choice.
Liz: We want your fiftieth birthday to be one you won't forget.
Jane Lindhurst: Oh, boy.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Hmm, you can say that again.
The Director: [about 'Hamlet'] This is... Denmark, 1500. Deception is in the air. Everything is... damp, musty, frigid.
Admiral Al Calavicci: [entering] That sounds like my third wife, or was it my second or fourth... most of my wives.
Petra: [to Sam, after he has performed as Hamlet] It's really intense watching you.
Jane Lindhurst: I know just what you mean.
Petra: I didn't know your mother was coming.
Jane Lindhurst: "Mother"?
Admiral Al Calavicci: Mother? Every guy should have a mother like that. That is if she's your mother...
[Jane kisses Sam passionately]
Admiral Al Calavicci: I hope she's not your mother!
Ted: You know, when you left, Cleveland lost its prettiest girl.
Jane Lindhurst: And when you left, Cleveland lost its biggest liar.
Dr. Sam Beckett: You can't hit a home run if you don't come up to the plate.
Dr. Sam Beckett: I thought the only way to make a good impression was to show them that I was a good actor. However, no matter how hard I tried, only one thought kept running through my mind: did people throw rotten vegetables at bad actors in the sixties?
Neil: Say, what kind of joint is this?
Liz: It's an art house.
Neil: Well, tell Art to get a real theater.
[Sam has just had to perform in his play nude]
Dr. Sam Beckett: I've never been so totally and completely humiliated in my life!
Admiral Al Calavicci: What are you complaining about? You should be proud. That audience was riveted!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh, please.
Admiral Al Calavicci: It was like they were watching... a car wreck. Like it was horrible, but you were too fascinated to look away.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Thank you. Thank you for your support!
[Petra enters Sam's/Joe's dressing room, only covered with a towel]
Admiral Al Calavicci: [delighted] Ophelia!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Petra, hi. Oh!
[he accidentally drops his own towel]
Petra: [also dropping her towel and throwing herself onto Sam] Joe! Oh...
Jane Lindhurst: [entering with her family] Joe!
Dr. Sam Beckett: Jane?
Jane Lindhurst: [leaving] Ted!
Ted: [following her] Uh, Jane...
Admiral Al Calavicci: [still drooling] Ophelia.
Dr. Sam Beckett: Oh, boy.