[Sam is Kyle Hart, an actor playing a doctor in... ]
Sam: I'm in a soap opera!
Al: We prefer 'daytime drama'.
Sam: We...? You mean... you mean, you watch this stuff?
Al: Oh, uh, Tina had me watching some of it while I was down with the flu. And, Sam, you wouldn't believe the things that go on on these shows.
Sam: Okay. All right, I know.
Al: I mean, everybody...
Sam: I know.
Al: ...is sleeping...
Sam: I know.
Al: ...with *everybody*.
Sam: I know! Just spare me the details, all right?
Sam: Why am I here?
Al: Er, well, we're not sure.
Sam: You're not...
Al: No, Ziggy, uh, had a new data search component installed, and we had to have it shipped in from Hong Kong, and I think that gave a little jet lag to the modem of the floppy disc.
Sam: Why do you make this stuff up all the time? Why don't you just say to me, 'Sam, we don't know.' Why don't you just do that for once, instead of makin' it up all the time?
Al: Well - that wouldn't be any fun.
Sam: You know what I have to do today? I have to go and have lunch with some woman, who won this... soap detergent contest!
Al: Oh. Well, look at it this way. At least you know she'll be clean!
[Mrs. Reynolds is asleep in her wheelchair, which keeps spinning round and round... ]
Norma Jean Pilcher: Mama, wake up. It's me, Norma Jean.
Millie Reynolds: Norma Jean?
Norma Jean Pilcher: Yes.
Millie Reynolds: What happened?
Norma Jean Pilcher: You fell asleep on your control stick again.
Millie Reynolds: Oh, thank God. I dreamt I was caught in a tornado.
[Sam is being held at gunpoint by Mrs. Reynolds, his kidnapper's dotty, elderly "mother"]
Sam: You don't have to keep that thing pointed at me, you know.
Millie Reynolds: How can I shoot if it ain't pointed at you?
Sam: That's a good question, M-Mrs...
Millie Reynolds: [sweetly] Reynolds. Mildred Reynolds. You can call me Millie. Everybody does.
Sam: Well, Millie, I'm not sure you understand what's happening here. Your daughter has put herself in a very dangerous situation.
Millie Reynolds: Hm. Looks to me like you're the one in a very dangerous situation.
Waitress: Do I know you?
Sam: I don't think so.
Waitress: I could swear I've seen your face someplace before.
Norma Jean Pilcher: Yeah, well, he gets that all the time.
Hank Pilcher: Yeah-ha - he's got one of those kind of faces.
Waitress: What kind?
Hank Pilcher: You know, one of those kind you... think you've seen, but you haven't... seen - but you think you have... kind.
Sam: How does Hank feel about all this?
Norma Jean Pilcher: Feel? What...?
Sam: Well, it's gotta bother him a little bit to know that his wife wants to... be with another man.
Norma Jean Pilcher: [snorts] I do not want to marry you. I just want to have a baby with you.
Sam: That doesn't strike you as the least bit unusual?
Norma Jean Pilcher: I like unusual.
[after Norma has smashed a tray with a tea set against the wall]
Al: You know, she reminds me of my second wife; only, her specialty was small appliances.
Al: I'll go back and I'll run some more scenarios on escapes, and maybe I can reduce the odds a little bit.
Sam: So just hurry up, all right? She's planning dinner, and I got a feeling that... I'm the dessert.
Norma Jean Pilcher: Are you still mad about last night?
Sam: Mad? No. I was just kidnapped, held at gunpoint, and knocked unconscious. What's there to be mad about?
Ben, Lyle Hart's Agent: [after Sam has been freed from his kidnappers] I was just thinking. It might be interesting, not to mention a ratings bonanza, if we were to, say, incorporate a similar ordeal into the life of one Dr. Craig Connor. Hm? I'll call the studio. Welcome back.
Sam: Did you hear that? He wants to take what happened to me here and put it on the show.
Al: Yeah, yeah, I know. I heard, yeah.
Sam: Is that ethical? It can't be ethical.
Al: No, it's television.