Burton 'Gus' Guster: You named your fake detective agency "Psych"? Why not just call it, "Hey, We're Fooling You and the Police Department, Hope We Don't Make a Mistake and Someone Dies Because of It"?
Shawn Spencer: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long. It would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way to convince people you're not lying to them is to tell them you are.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: How should we introduce ourselves? Don't say "psychic," they'll shut you off. Pick something vague, like Alternative Tactics Division.
Shawn Spencer: How about the Bureau of Magic and Spell Casting?
Shawn Spencer: I have a job for you.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: I already have a job.
Shawn Spencer: They're paying you to play video games?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: [sighs] How do you do that?
Shawn Spencer: Come on! Left hand, space bar, right hand, arrow keys. Gus, you should ask me a challenging question every once in a while, just for kicks.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Make no mistake, Shawn. I will kill you.
Shawn Spencer: Ok, I appreciate the fact that you think you can beat me up, but I think our last scupple proves otherwise.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Are you talking about the Cinnamon Festival?
Shawn Spencer: Yes! You do remember!
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Okay, first of all, I was six and I had a cast!
Shawn Spencer: Which many would construe as a clear advantage. It's like having a weapon attached to your arm.
Carlton Lassiter: You solved all these crimes - what was it - watching the Channel 8 News Reports?
Shawn Spencer: All right, I confess, that's not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5. I prefer Channel 8- the weather girl? Adorable!
Carlton Lassiter: So, you're telling us that you can read guilt off of TV interviews.
Shawn Spencer: Can't you?
Carlton Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work!
Shawn Spencer: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.
Shawn Spencer: [holding a gun] Wow... they're so much lighter when they're filled with water.
Shawn Spencer: Come with me.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Uh, no. I'm never doing anything blindly with you again, I learned that at the Mexican border. Twice.
Thrift Store Guy: I've gone to jail for less than you.
Gus: Jail's no fun. I'll tell you that much.
Thrift Store Guy: Oh, you've been?
Gus: Once in Monopoly.
Shawn Spencer: Is it entirely too early for me to have a theory?
Gus: Could you wait until we see some evidence first?
Shawn Spencer: I suppose I could, if'd make you happier.
Shawn Spencer: Give me some money.
Gus: Get your own money!
Shawn Spencer: Gus, I'll give it back.
[counts out four or five $1 bills]
Shawn Spencer: Seriously, this is all you carry?
Carlton Lassiter: Where were you the night of the last robbery?
Shawn Spencer: I was robbing a stereo shop.
Shawn Spencer: I wasn't. I don't know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing: not solving crime.
Carlton Lassiter: You're not helping your case here.
Shawn Spencer: My case? Wait, wait, wait. I'm actually a suspect?
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, you're our lead suspect.
Shawn Spencer: I gave you the guy!
Carlton Lassiter: He had a partner.
Shawn Spencer: I have to find *that* guy? I'm confused. When do you start chipping in?
Carlton Lassiter: I'm not going to let you just waltz around here like some kid in a candy store.
Shawn Spencer: Let me tell you something - I've worked in a candy store, and it was nothing like this.
[Gus starts breathing slowly and deeply while Shawn is admiring photos of a girl during an kidnapping investigation]
Shawn Spencer: What are you, lamaze breathing?
Gus: It helps! I covered a few birthing centres.
Shawn Spencer: [looks at him weirdly] Just... let me know when the contractions are two minutes apart.
Shawn Spencer: I got the information because... I'm psychic.
Carlton Lassiter: Get him out of here!
Shawn Spencer: Oh boy!
[leans against the door, looks at the desk sergeant]
Shawn Spencer: Your grandmother would be so proud.
Desk Sergeant: You spoke to her?
Shawn Spencer: I did. She's safe, comfortable. She wants you to stop spending all your money on those charlatans.
Desk Sergeant: The palm readers?
Shawn Spencer: The palm readers.
Lucinda: Okay, just to be clear, um, you're claiming to be a psychic, Mr. Spencer.
Shawn Spencer: [moves his hands around until one is pointing at Lassiter and the other at Lucinda] How else would I know that you two are sleeping together? 1, 2, 3, 1, 2, 3, 1...
[turns to Officer McNab]
Shawn Spencer: When's the wedding?
McNab: May 3rd - wait, how'd you know?
Shawn Spencer: I'm getting dance lessons for a wedding reception and you are getting good!
McNab: Wow! That's amazing.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, come on! Who's buying this?
[McNab, the desk sergeant, and a guy in a holding cell all raise their hands]
Shawn Spencer: [Referring to a shirt bearing the word "Sarisium" in large letters] What is this?
Gus: I get them free. My sponsors love me when I wear them.
Shawn Spencer: What does Sarisium Cure?
Gus: Dude, Don't even start.
Shawn Spencer: I'm buying you lunch. I can drill you as much as I want. What does it cure?
Gus: Cold Sores.
Shawn Spencer: And you wonder why you can't find a nice girl.
Gus: I wear it when I work out.
Shawn Spencer: So you're at the gym, surrounded by fit single women wearing a shirt that essentially says, "Hi, I have herpies".
Police Operator: And is there anything else?
Shawn Spencer: No, that's gonna do it. Well, actually the tags on the news van have expired, but that's completely unrelated.
Carlton Lassiter: Believable as it is that you solved all these crimes, what was it, watching the local Channel 8 news reports.
Shawn Spencer: I confess, that's not true. Sometimes I watch Channel 5.
Shawn Spencer: Does anyone have any binoculars?
Carlton Lassiter: No. No, see we don't carry binoculars.
Shawn Spencer: Ooh, never mind, I found some here in my pocket.
Shawn Spencer: Detective... don't eat the chicken.
Carlton Lassiter: [to the waitress] I'll have the chicken enchiladas... with extra chicken.
Shawn Spencer: Go buy the bag.
Gus: What, you want a souvenir of your ineptitude?
Shawn Spencer: I need to get a better look inside the bag.
Gus: I'm not going in there. That guy wants to kill us.
Gus: Gus, this guy works in a thrift store, OK? He's a big furry-hearted good Samaritan.
Shawn Spencer: So, we've got five stacks going across. You figure four going longways. Ten stacks in each pile based on the wear and the indentation. I don't know, depending on the denomination, this could easily be five million dollars.
Gus: You're kidding.
Shawn Spencer: Yeah, give or take.
Gus: You got that from a groove on the side?
Shawn Spencer: Oh, come on Gus. Any small child could've figured that out.
Gus: You solved one mystery, and now you're renting office space?
Shawn Spencer: Gus, I've solved a bunch of mysteries! For instance, the mystery of who kept stealing your newspaper. Answer: me! The mystery of what we're doing this weekend. Hint: it involves dragsters.
Carlton Lassiter: If I cut him open and leave him out here, you cannot testify against me.
Shawn Spencer: This one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh yeah? Better than your acupuncture clinic?
Shawn Spencer: I didn't realize experience was necessary.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: What's your dental plan?
Shawn Spencer: Don't get cavities.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: Health plan?
Shawn Spencer: Same but with hepatitis and shingles.
Shawn Spencer: Look, I've called in dozens of tips, okay? Just check it out.
Carlton Lassiter: I did. I checked out a whole lot of stuff. Like, oh, you're currently unemployed, never held a job for more than six months, and you have a criminal record.
Shawn Spencer: I was eighteen.
Carlton Lassiter: Oh, eighteen? Oh, well, that makes it okay. Let me just scratch this out.
Shawn Spencer: I borrowed a car...
Carlton Lassiter: You stole a car.
Shawn Spencer: To impress a girl.
Lucinda: Look, forgive us, Mr. Spencer, if this seems far-fetched.
Shawn Spencer: Would it help at all if I told you she had a bit of a reputation and I was O for... high school?
Shawn Spencer: Okay, fine, there were extenuating circumstances. The arresting officer was my father. He was trying to teach me a lesson.
Carlton Lassiter: Did you learn it?
Shawn Spencer: I learned I hated my father, so sure.
Burton 'Gus' Guster: You named your fake detective agency "Psych?" Why didn't you just call it, "Hey, we're fooling you and the police department; hope we don't make a mistake and somebody dies because of it?"
Shawn Spencer: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long; it would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way you convince people you're not lying to them is to tell them you are!
Shawn Spencer: [to Gus] Is it ethical to sample your own samples?
Shawn Spencer: [after getting Katerina's dad arrested] Do you think this ruins my chances with Katerina?
Shawn Spencer: ["Reading" a photo of Katerina's boyfriend] Let's see, I'm getting multiple women. Was he a bigamist? A pimp? Did he sell children on the black market?
Shawn Spencer: Okay. This is hard to explain, but I'm gonna give it a shot. You and I... are opening our own private detective agency!
Gus: ...Oh. See? No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat.
[He doesn't move]
Shawn Spencer: But you're not getting your coat.
Gus: Uh, no. No, Shawn, I'm not.
Lucinda: You here to scope out the new meter maids?
Shawn Spencer: No, I am here to see you.
Lucinda: Not interested.
Shawn Spencer: I know, you already have someone special. He's married and/or separated.
Carlton Lassiter: Don't you try and trivialize police work.
Shawn Spencer: I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.
Shawn Spencer: [using binoculars] What is the magnification of these things?
Burton 'Gus' Guster: 2x.
Shawn Spencer: Okay, we really need to stop at Wal-Mart on the way home.
Waitress: I guess I know what you're going to be when you grow up.
Young Shawn: Oh, I'm never going to grow up, Ma'am.