Mrs. Twice: Oh, PLEASE go away. Please go away! I don't want to answer anymore of your questions.
Det. Frank Drebin: We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.
Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?
Det. Frank Drebin: No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years.
[Mrs. Twice makes sounds of trying not to cry]
Det. Frank Drebin: Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.
[Ed gives Mrs. Twice a handkerchief and she starts crying into it]
Det. Frank Drebin: [to camera]
Det. Frank Drebin: Ran him outta town like a common pygmy.
[Mrs. Twice starts crying a little harder]
Capt. Ed Hocken: Did he have any enemies?
Mrs. Twice: Well the Democrats didn't like him.
Det. Frank Drebin: [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice continuing to sob softly] Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?
Mrs. Twice: [crying] No, no he never did.
Capt. Ed Hocken: It was just a hunch.
Det. Frank Drebin: [continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice still going back into her softly sobbing mode] I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same.
Det. Frank Drebin: You can't go back.
Mrs. Twice: Oh, poor Ralph! And what about my daughter? What am I going to tell her?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Yeah, you're gonna have to tell her something. Tell her he went on a long trip.
Det. Frank Drebin: No wait a minute, how about a big monster came and took him to daddy heaven?
Det. Frank Drebin: [Mrs Twice starts sobbing louder] Nah...
Capt. Ed Hocken: What about this: he threw himself on a grenade and saved the battalion. Yeah, that's it.
[Mrs. Twice starts sobbing stronger]
Det. Frank Drebin: No, no, wait a minute, he was killed by a left wing insurgence from Paraguay?
Det. Frank Drebin: [Mrs. Twice is sobbing uncontrollably now] No, Bolivia.
Capt. Ed Hocken: I got it! I got it, he, he was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.
[Mrs. Twice can't stop sobbing, and Frank and Ed finally give up and give her an expression of helplessness]
Sally Decker: Well, when I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.
Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the teller, Frank.
Det. Frank Drebin: Jim Fell's the teller?
Sally Decker: No, Jim Johnson.
Det. Frank Drebin: Who's Jim Fell?
Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the auditor, Frank.
Sally Decker: He had the flu, so Jim
Sally Decker: filled in.
Det. Frank Drebin: Phil who?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Phil Din. He's the night watchman.
Sally Decker: [crying] If only Phil had been here!
Det. Frank Drebin: Wait a minute, let me get this straight: Twice came in and shot the teller and Jim Fell.
Sally Decker: No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.
Det. Frank Drebin: Okay, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.
Sally Decker: No, I only shot once.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Twice is the hold up man.
Sally Decker: Then I guess I did shoot Twice.
Det. Frank Drebin: Oh, so now you're changing your story.
Sally Decker: No, I shot Twice after Jim fell.
Det. Frank Drebin: You shot twice and Jim Fell?
Sally Decker: No, Jim fell first and then I shot Twice once.
Det. Frank Drebin: Well, who fired twice?
Sally Decker: Once!
Capt. Ed Hocken: He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.
Det. Frank Drebin: [pauses] Okay. Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then Twice shot the teller once.
Sally Decker: Twice.
Det. Frank Drebin: ...and Jim fell and then you fired Twice.
Sally Decker: Once!
Det. Frank Drebin: Okay. All right, that will be all for now, Ms. Decker.
Capt. Ed Hocken: We'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.
Sally Decker: Oh, of course!
Det. Frank Drebin: You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.
Sally Decker: Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks.
Det. Frank Drebin: Well.
Det. Frank Drebin: Thank you again, Ms. Decker.
Det. Frank Drebin: Weeks?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Saul Weeks. He's the comptroller, Frank.
Det. Frank Drebin: [narration] My name is Sergeant Frank Drebbin, Detective-Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.
Ted Olson: These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test fire this gun into these video tapes of Barbara Walters interviews.
Ted Olson: As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman - but only up to the point where Barbara asks him "is it difficult to love?" Now let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from three feet, which is the distance Sally claimed the shots were fired from.
[fires second gun]
Ted Olson: Notice, complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.
Dr. Zubatsky: My god, you're an animal!
Det. Frank Drebin: [mumbling incoherently, al la John Hurt in The Elephant Man] I am not an animal. I am a human being!
Minister: What do you know about life after death?
Johnny the Snitch: I wouldn't know anything about it.
[the Minister gives Johnny a dollar bill bribe]
Johnny the Snitch: You talking existential being, or anthropmorphic deity?
Det. Frank Drebin: [offering her a cigarette] Cigarette?
Sally Decker: Yes, I know.
Det. Frank Drebin: [puts the pack away] Well...
Ted Olson: So Billy, when the moisture in the air comes in contact with the cold pitcher, it forms water droplets. What we call condensation. Just like your mother when she gets out of the shower, glistening with tiny little beads of... - oh, hi Frank.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Was the, eh, dentist cooperative?
Det. Frank Drebin: Yeah, he gave us plenty of rope. Now we have to see if we can get Sally to stick her head into the noose.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Alright, Sally, you're under arrest.
[turns to two police officers]
Capt. Ed Hocken: Sergeant, take her away and book her.
Det. Frank Drebin: [Frank comes up and shakes the policemen by the hand] Sergeant Takeheraway, Sergeant Booker.
Capt. Ed Hocken: You know, Frank, there's one thing I still don't understand. Now, how did you know that the money Sally gave to Dr. Zubatsky wasn't traceable?
Det. Frank Drebin: [laughs] I didn't.
Capt. Ed Hocken: Huh?
Det. Frank Drebin: But neither did Sally!
[slaps Hocken on the back. They both begin to laugh, but instead of sound coming out of their mouths they freeze frame]
Capt. Ed Hocken: Frank, I know you got Sally's arrest record from R & I
[Records and Information]
Capt. Ed Hocken: , but how did you ever figure out she was the one behind the loan office heist?
Det. Frank Drebin: Just a little hunch back at the office.
Capt. Ed Hocken: I thought so. Because I brought that little hunchback with me. Charlie, come out here!
[a short, 'hunchback' man walks in]
Det. Frank Drebin: Charlie! Thanks for the tip.
Mrs. Twice: [while being interrogated about the murder of her husband] Ralph was such a good man. Who could have done such a horrible thing?
Capt. Ed Hocken: Did he owe any money? Doctor bills, gambling debts, book of the month club?
Mrs. Twice: No, nothing. Just two more payments on our solar telescope.