Police Squad! (TV Series)
Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith.
Det. Frank Drebin: Now let's say a new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, opens up a shop.
Capt. Ed Hocken: OK...
Det. Frank Drebin: Then let's say that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.
Capt. Ed Hocken: All right.
Det. Frank Drebin: The way I look at it, you owe me 100 dollars for that window.
Rocky: Us? I don't know what you're talking about.
Det. Frank Drebin: So how do you explain this?
[hands over the rock that came through the window]
Leo: Well, billions of years ago the Earth was a molten mass...
Det. Frank Drebin: [narrating] It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment. She had neglected to give me her address.
Fireman: Johnny, there's a fire in the Brubaker building.
Johnny the Snitch: So? I don't know anything about it.
[the fireman gives Johnny a dollar bribe]
Johnny the Snitch: That's a furniture warehouse. Once the fire hits the polyvinyl, you'll have dense smoke and lethal chlorine gas. Extinguish the main part of the fire with pump trucks and with foam. And bring in a cherry picker to evacuate the survivors.
Det. Frank Drebin: Now we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.
Police officer: [off camera] Frank, please! I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.
Det. Frank Drebin: A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil.
[another cop leaves]
Capt. Ed Hocken: [off camera] Oh Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.
Ted Olson, Scientist: So Billy, electrostatic particles are created by an imbalace of electrons. The resulting charge is what we scientists call static electricity.
Ted Olson, Scientist: It's, it's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer, puts it on and it clings to every supple curve and soft, round...
[there's a loud crash from the hall, then Frank enters]
Ted Olson, Scientist: Oh Hi Frank. Eh, why don't you run along now, Billy. Next week don't forget to bring in those magazines you found under your father's bed.
Billy: Ok, Mr. Olson. Bye.
Jill the Ballet Teacher: Look out, he's got a knife!
[Leo charges Drebin, who fends him off]
Jill the Ballet Teacher: Look out, he's got a club!
[Rocky runs at Drebin but is punched in the face]
Jill the Ballet Teacher: He's got a signed Picasso!
[Leo uses the Picasso as a shield but Drebin punches him in the stomach]
Jill the Ballet Teacher: Look out, he's got herpes! He's got cold sores.
[Rocky runs at Drebin with his face forward, Drebin makes sure not to come to close]
Det. Frank Drebin: Why don't you lie there till Tuesday... that's when they pick up the garbage.
Rocky: Betcha'd hate to see something happen to your little key store.
Det. Frank Drebin: What about my little keaster?
Rocky: Key STORE.
Det. Frank Drebin: How many of these apartment keys would you like?
Stella: 50. You can mail 49 of them to the Chicago Bears.
[hands over an envelope]
Dutch Gunderson: [on phone with Stella] Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?
Det. Frank Drebin: [instructing Stella what to say] When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...
Dutch Gunderson: Honey, I gotta go.
Dutch: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Det. Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith.