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(TV Series)

(2005)

Quotes

[Mark and Sophie have just come off the waltzer at the fairground]

Sophie Chapman: So, what next?

Mark Corrigan: Well, they all look garish and unsafe, so why don't you choose?

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Super Hans: [Looking at the junk-filled room which is to be their pub] Oh yeah. Fuck yeah, look at this place!

Jeremy Usborne: I know. Still, we can move all this crap out and put a bar in, what, over there?

Super Hans: No mate, no way. Don't change nothing. It's perfect.

Jeremy Usborne: Perfect? Super Hans, it doesn't even look like a pub.

Super Hans: Exactly. I've been down enough bloody City Boy chain pubs with their logos in the foam and disinfectant in the lager, air freshener in the mayo. Nah, I wanna run a place that makes a difference.

Jeremy Usborne: Yeah, well, I'm sure we can sort that out somehow. Let's start by getting rid of this.

Super Hans: [slams his hand down on the washing machine next to him] That stays. That's the reason I fell in love with this place.

Jeremy Usborne: You want a washing machine in the pub?

Super Hans: It'll freak 'em out! What the fuck's a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink. Yeah? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.

Jeremy Usborne: Right, the thing is, Hans, as I've said before, I really just think we should serve at least one lager, and nuts. You know, people like lager and nuts.

Super Hans: People like Coldplay and wanted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

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[Merry is acting a bit strange]

Merry: Ohh, Mark. You've turned into quite a hunk, haven't you? You're a hunky.

Mark Corrigan: Well, uh, actually it may surprise you to learn that no one's ever said that to me before.

Merry: You want to put your popsicle into my purse?

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh my God, I'm being propositioned.

Merry: I wrote you a letter, I didn't send it, but I don't know if you...

[she gets a letter from the mantelpiece and hands it to him]

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Letter? Popsicle? This isn't good.

[to Merry]

Mark Corrigan: Right. Thank you.

Merry: You know, my bone's got a little machine.

Mark Corrigan: Does it? Really?

Merry: OK, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Maybe I should follow her, she's so hyper she's probably really great at sex. But there's always the chance I'll get the toilet seat slammed on my cock for no reason.

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Mark Corrigan: So, the pub. What are you calling it?

Jeremy Usborne: No problem there. I mean, we're deadlocked on that, and a few other things, but I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called Free the Paedos.

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Jeremy Usborne: Just imagine, me in the pub all day, but no one can say a thing because it's my job and I've got to be there. I'll literally get paid to go to the pub.

Mark Corrigan: Yeah, I mean, I guess it won't be quite like being paid just to go to the pub because you'll be doing all the pub stuff, the barrels, the tubes, the debit card authorisations.

Jeremy Usborne: Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the world?

Mark Corrigan: OK Jez, fine, but have you done your market research?

Jeremy Usborne: Market research? If you build it, they will come, that's my market research.

Mark Corrigan: Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts, that's your role model?

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Jeremy Usborne: I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?

Super Hans: Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.

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Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Incredible, still no call from Soph. If she's broken up with me, maybe I suppose I could consider Merry. It would sort of suit me to have a girlfriend in an institution. Regulated meeting times. I might get to have a say in her medication. I'd like to be able to chemically alter my girlfriend's moods.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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