Mark Corrigan: If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.
[Jeremy is in a poker game. He doesn't really have anything in his hand, just a mixture of hearts and diamonds]
Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] So, what have I got? All the reds. That looks amazing.
Jeff Heaney: [to Mark] Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her, you still wouldn't have the balls to fuck.
Sophie Chapman: [Halfway through watching "Das Boot" with Mark] Oh, are they in a submarine?
[Jeff has asked Mark to buy him some condoms so he can have sex with Sophie]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] This is it. This is my lowest ever. Wish I'd told him to fuck off, except then I'd never be allowed back.
[Looking through the selection of condom packets]
Mark Corrigan: OK, right, Featherlite. Don't want him to enjoy it any more than is strictly necessary. Ultra Strong. Yeah, he won't feel a thing. But then maybe he'll last longer and... Oh Jesus, this is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins and then... Sophie got pregnant and therefore he ended up getting married. Got to think through these plans more. I'll just go for these. Coloured. At least that'll make him look faintly ridiculous. I win... in the most minor way possible.
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I am experiencing humiliation. Blood boilding, anger rising up, ready to explode... then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self-loathing.
[he takes some sheets of paper that have just come out of the photocopier and rubs his face with them]
Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Mmmm. Warm copies make everything better.