Edit

(TV Series)

(2004)

Quotes

[Hans is in the kitchen smoking crack]

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] God, what is he taking? Better not disturb him, he might attack me and be sick.

Mark Corrigan: Er, Jeremy!

Jeremy Usborne: What?

Mark Corrigan: What's Hans doing?

Jeremy Usborne: He's honking on his crack pipe.

Mark Corrigan: Crack! I've got company.

Jeremy Usborne: Oh relax. "Oh I'm Mark, I'm in the eighties, I'm dying of heroin in a puddle in the corner in an advert." Drugs are fine, Mark, everyone agrees now. Drugs are what happen to people and that's fine, so shut up.

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Jeremy Usborne: [On finishing recording at studio] Brilliant, fantastic! What did you think Hans?

Super Hans: Crack. Just gimme crack.

Jeremy Usborne: Well I loved it.

[Begins to exit studio]

Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, don't just go...

Super Hans: I'll suck for crack!

Jeremy Usborne: Yeh, c'mon Super Hans, let's get you some crack.

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[They're trying to threaten Gog into giving them their money]

Super Hans: Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall.

[he pours the cereal onto the floor]

Jeremy Usborne: [brandishing baseball bat at Gog] Not so rich and successful now with a piece of wood in your face, hmm?

Mark Corrigan: Look, Jeremy, we can come back again, he's got the message. You're gonna pay, aren't you?

Gog: No.

Mark Corrigan: All right then, we've got our answer. Let's go!

Super Hans: We've got to hurt him on principle. Hit him with the fucking bat, Jez.

Jeremy Usborne: Why do I have to? Why don't you do it? Punch him with the glove.

Super Hans: [holding up his hand wearing a baseball glove] Punch him? I can't even make a fist!

Mark Corrigan: This is the whole point about contract law, the whole point of a contract is to make sure this kind of thing never happens!

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[Mark and his new friend Darryl are horsing around in the JLB Credit offices instead of working]

Darryl: I'm Barnes Wallis, you're the Ruhr!

[Darryl pushes a load of empty water cooler containers down the stairs at Mark. They throw scrunched up pieces of paper at each other, laughing]

Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] I'm the Ruhr! And no one's actually said the word "Dambusters"! This is bloody brilliant! I'm having fun! And I'm not thinking about Sophie!

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[Mark is being questioned by Johnson and a woman from Human Resources about the sausage that was pinned to Ian Krauss's office door]

Mark Corrigan: It's... really I honestly didn't see anyone.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan: Shit, what if they bring in forensics?

[he picks up the sausage]

Mark Corrigan: Oh hell, I probably shouldn't have done that, should I? My prints'll be all over it now.

Johnson: Yeah, well, it's very embarrassing. And since Ian Krauss is of German extraction, it has to be treated as a racial incident.

Mark Corrigan: Ian's a...? A racial incident? But why?

Johnson: Oh come on, Mark. Germans? Sausages? Do I have to spell it out? The sausage-munching Boche. Fritz, the bratwurst guzzler.

Mark Corrigan: Of course. Horrible.

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Darryl: And they're treating it as a racial incident? Bloody hell, next you won't be able to get a black coffee from the coffee machine.

Mark Corrigan: Exactly! And they'll have a bloody EU banana-straightening machine to straighten all the bananas!

Darryl: Hey, there's already a banana-straightening machine, it's called woman.

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Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh God, I'm even boring when I'm a Nazi.

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Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] It's OK, he doesn't have any feelings. Racists don't have feelings, they're subhuman.

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Jeremy Usborne: Aren't we supposed to be living in a multicultural democracy? And isn't that the point? You know, the Jews, the Muslims and the racists all living together happily side by side, doing and saying whatever the hell they like?

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Mark Corrigan: [speaking to Darryl over the intercom from the recording booth] Darryl, listen, the truth is... I can't be associated with you anymore because you're a racist.

Darryl: What? But I thought we were on the same wavelength. You know, the sausage, the Euro, Clarkson.

Mark Corrigan: There's a difference, Darryl, you can't hate people because of their ethnic background!

Darryl: Oh right, political correctness gone mad.

Mark Corrigan: No, I hate political correctness gone mad more than anyone! I don't want to teach the world to sing, that would be horrible, but slavery? The Holocaust? That's just not on! Whereas, "I have a dream", South Africa, Benetton... you've got to say... "Fair enough", yeah?

Darryl: Yeah. OK, no. Fair enough. You've talked me round.

Mark Corrigan: I have?

Darryl: Fuck off. Thought police.

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[Super Hans starts smoking his crack pipe during the recording session]

Jeremy Usborne: Hans, you realise we've only got 39 minutes left?

Super Hans: Oh right, so now we're "working" it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?

Jeremy Usborne: Yes, exactly! Exactly!

Super Hans: What, so next you're gonna boot me out for not wearing a jacket and tie?

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Super Hans: Tell you what, that crack is really more-ish.

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Toni: So, stop all the clocks, Tony and Toni are getting remarried!

Tony: And sure, we made a few mistakes the first time round but now we've the chance to make them all over again!

[their guests laugh]

Toni: Already he starts with the jokes. At least one of us is serious about actually giving this a fucking go!

[she flounces off]

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Gog: What I want is something classic. You remember the theme tune from Jaws? Well, I don't want anything like that, obviously. I want something completely different. I want something that, when people hear it, they'll immediately go "Yeah."

Jeremy Usborne: Right.

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne: What shall I write? Can't just put "Not Jaws". Do pretend writing.

[he scribbles on his notepad]

Gog: Are you pretending to write?

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Jeremy Usborne: Why did you have to bring Darryl? He's a bit... boring, isn't he?

Mark Corrigan: Oh, boring? What, because he doesn't go around with... a haircut and an iPod and... piercings and a... strap-on?

Jeremy Usborne: Strap-on?

Mark Corrigan: It's an example.

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Super Hans: What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.

[he presses a key on his keyboard and holds it, playing a deep bass note]

Super Hans: See, the longer the note, the more dread.

Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] God, that's terrible. It's worse than Darryl's bloody cor anglais. Oh, they're useless. I wish they were all robots. I wish I was a robot. Maybe I could punch through a wall.

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Jeremy Usborne: How are you feeling, Super Hans?

Super Hans: Fine. Totally fine.

Mark Corrigan: You've kicked the crack?

Super Hans: No, except now I bang a load of Valium up me arsehole for the comedown.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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