Dwight Schrute: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam Beesly: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight Schrute: So I can lower it.
Jim Halpert: Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, well, if this were my career? I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Jim Halpert: Wait, what are you writing? Don't write ebola or mad cow disease, all right? Because I'm suffering from both of them.
Pam Beesly: I'm inventing new diseases.
Jim Halpert: Oh, great.
Pam Beesly: So, like, let's say that my teeth turn to liquid and then they drip down the back of my throat. What would you call that?
Jim Halpert: I thought you said you were inventing new diseases. That's spontaneous dental hydroplosion.
Pam Beesly: Nice.
Dwight Schrute: The problem, Jim, is that people who are really suffering from a medical condition won't receive the care they need because someone in this office is coming up with ridiculous stuff. "Count Choculitis?"
Jim Halpert: Sounds tough.
Dwight Schrute: Why did you write that down, Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Dwight Schrute: Please knock. This is an office.
Jim Halpert: It
[pointing to sign]
Jim Halpert: says "workspace."
Dwight Schrute: Same thing.
Jim Halpert: If it's the same thing, then why'd you write "workspace"?
[Michael doesn't want to come out of his office]
Kevin: He has to come out sometime... to go to the bathroom!
Angela: Kevin, that's inappropriate!
Jan Levinson-Gould: Sometimes a manager like yourself has to deliver the bad news to the employees. I do it all the time.
Michael Scott: When have you ever done that?
Jan Levinson-Gould: I'm doing it right now. To you.
Jim Halpert: Last night on "Trading Spouses," there's... Have you seen it?
Pam Beesley: No. I have a life.
Jim Halpert: Interesting. What's that like?
Pam Beesley: You should try it sometime.
Jim Halpert: Wow. But then who would watch my TV?
Dwight Schrute: Okay. First, let's go over some parameters. How many people can I fire?
Michael Scott: Uh, none. You're picking a healthcare plan.
Dwight Schrute: Number one: Inverted penis.
Meredith: Could you mean vagina? Because if you do, I want that covered.
Dwight Schrute: I thought your vagina was removed during your hysterectomy.
Meredith: A uterus is different from a vagina. I still have a vagina.
Dwight Schrute: What did I do? I did my job. I slashed benefits to the bone; I saved this company money. Was I too harsh? Maybe. I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no Health Care. In the wild, Health Care is: ow, I hurt my leg; I can't run; a lion eats me, and I'm dead. Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
Michael Scott: The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family.
Michael Scott: Today, I am in charge of picking a great new healthcare plan. Right? That's what this is all about. Does that make me their doctor? Um... Yes, in a way. Yeah. Like a specialist.
Dwight Schrute: Someone forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: Okay. Whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: [reading from a sheet] Uh, "Leprosy. Flesh-eating bacteria. Hot-dog fingers. Government-created killer nanorobot infection."
Dwight Schrute: All right, who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it so I can punish them.
Jim Halpert: What are you talking about?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, someone, uh, forged medical information, and that is a felony.
Jim Halpert: Okay, whoa, all right, 'cause that's a pretty intense accusation. How do you know that they're fake?
Dwight Schrute: Uh, leprosy? Flesh-eating bacteria? Hot dog fingers. Government created killer nano robot infection.
Dwight Schrute: You did this, didn't you?
Jim Halpert: Absolutely not.
Dwight Schrute: Yes you did.
Jim Halpert: No I didn't.
Dwight Schrute: I know it was you. Okay, fine, you know what? I'm going to have interview each and every one of you until the perpetrator makes him or herself known. And until that time, there will be no health care coverage for anyone.
[Dwight slams door to his workspace]
Jim Halpert: [to Pam] Killer nano robots?
Pam Beesly: It's an epidemic.
Pam Beesley: There's nothing new.
Michael Scott: That's not what you said earlier.
Pam Beesley: Do you want me to repeat the messages that I gave you before for the...
[motions to the camera]
Jan Levinson-Gould: [on phone] Dwight, listen to me very carefully: you are not a manager of anything. Understand?
Dwight Schrute: That's not entirely true, because he put me in charge of picking a healthcare plan.
Jan Levinson-Gould: Really? Okay. When Michael gets back, you tell him to call me immediately.
Dwight Schrute: Call you immediately, good. Hey, listen, since I have you on the phone, um, can I fire Jim?
Jan Levinson-Gould: No.
Michael Scott: I learned improv from the greats, like Drew Carey and Ryan Stiles.
Jim Halpert: Right now, this is a job. If I advance any higher in this company, then this would be my career. And, uh... Well, if this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train.
Dwight Schrute: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, "Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me and I'm dead." Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.